Dating an N? Please Read and Help!

Hello,
Maybe someone on here can shed some light on what has been going on in my nearly 2 year relationship. Well, I just ended it. But I can't help but feel I was rash or made a big mistake. I really love my ex-boyfriend. I also believe he's a good, smart person - but he has a lot of baggage and some pain from his childhood. I am trying to be as objective as possible here. I want you all to know that I am a complicated person, too. I have a lot of anxiety issues and I suffered from eating disorders for years. I could very well play a part in all this.

First, he was born to very young parents. They are great people - but I get the impression that money was always tight and mom worked very hard waitressing and putting herself through nursing school. Dad maybe was not ready for all the responsibility and continued to party. He and my N fought a lot. So despite my N scoring the highest on an entrance exam to an exclusive private school - he left home at 15. He wasn't doing well in school because he was cutting class - and he and his dad fought a lot - I guess sometimes they were fist fights.

When I met my N (MAYBE and N), I was drawn to him immediately! He's not really handsome. He's overweight - but I found him adorable. He was very flirtatious with me and seemed like a really helpful, friendly and funny guy. The first few months of our relationship were magic. He told me constantly how wonderful I was. He sent me really beautiful, sweet messages about how he's never been so comfortable with a woman. He told me how special I was. I was so happy! We were getting along great and I was really falling in love.

I would say the weirdness started for me after about 3-4 months. He started mentioning ex girlfriends and talking about all his ex lovers. He said he slept with 150 women! WOW! He talked about all sorts of sexual escapades - threesomes, orgies. I am definitely not that type of girl and am fairly conventional. This all made me feel really insecure. When I found out about an affair with a mutual acquaintance that happened just before we started dating I expressed how insecure and uneasy I felt. He told me he didn't have patience for me - and didn't have the patience to listen to me. Granted, I was upset and was emotional. I can get worked up. But I do not think I was mean or accusing.

Shortly after that, I asked him to come over after work, he said he was going to go home, but at 5am I got a call from him. He was clearly drunk. He had been out at bars and his car ran out of gas. I was very upset.

Many other things happened... many times I would ask to spend time together (we work opposite shifts) and he would say he wanted to hang out by himself, or play video games. I couldn't understand it. Our schedules were so opposite that we could only spend 2-3 nights together. Why didn't he want to see me more.

On my 30th birthday - he was in a bad mood. He didn't call his ex-girlfriend soon enough and she took their daughter to her mother's. He missed his opportunity to see his daughter that day. So he sent me a text message to wish me happy birthday - and told me he didn't want to get together. He was too upset about his daughter.

Things got better after my birthday when I nearly ended it. It really seemed great for a 4 months. We took trips together - but the old patterns started coming back. But I let him move in anyway. In some ways it was great! We cooked dinner, watched TV, cuddled. We were a very affectionate couple. We had a great time! But I realized that almost every night after work - he went out drinking and he wouldn't call to let me know. I would ask him to please at least give me a heads up, but he didn't want to. He said if I wanted to talk to him, I should call him. He continued to go out, continued to get drunk. He slept all day. We never did anything. I got more and more upset. And believe me, I would cry, yell, beg. I am not a long suffering woman. I make my emotions known.

One night this was too much for him and he grabbed me and dragged me down the hall way - threw me up against a wall. He gripped my arms so hard they hurt. I was very upset. I told him he can never do that again or I will leave. He said my yelling and screaming and my attitude provoked him. YES, I was extremely upset. I was swearing and yelling. I don't want to minimize that. I was also drunk.

He promised never again. But sure enough, two weeks later, I was home waiting for him - and no call, no text, but he still wasn't home at nearly 2am. I left him an annoyed message - and he called me back livid. Swearing, yelling. By the time he got home, I was frantic and scared. When he came in, he threw things, he knocked things over. The fight eventually culminated in him kicking me off the bed (hard) into the wall - so hard that a painting fell off the wall far over where I made impact and I hit a dresser - knocking over a jewlery box which smashed into a few pieces. He then grabbed me and wouldn't let me move. I wanted to leave the house and go to my cousin's but he wouldn't let me out. He held me down for about 2 hours until he fell asleep. Bizarely, he even tried to initiate sex as he was holding me down and I was crying frantically. WOW. So crazy to even remember this. I kicked him out and we broke up.

Here is where the story gets complicated. A month later he suffered a ruptured aneurism. I was so upset and so worried. I felt terrible amounts of guilt for the horrible things I called him and said to him in the wake of the fight. Like I said, I am no shrinking violet and I can be very harsh. A few weeks after that, he promised he'd change and asked for another chance. I eventually gave it to him. He refused to stop drinking - but promised to moderate it. He also agreed to see an anger management therapist. That sounded great. At first things were really nice. We did fun and different things. He seemed to be trying his hardest to get me back. And he was very patient and understanding with all my apprehension. I had a lot of worries and I melted down a few times. I was sad and frustrated that I loved him so much, but we were in this awful predicament. My family and friends disapproved. We lived apart. And he still was drinking --- and sometimes he was staying out late, too. Although nothing like what it used to be. He was going to his therapist about once a month. I went with him. I was very impressed that he decided to do that.

However, I still felt insecure about the drinking. I asked him to go to AA and go back to school to try to get some focus and purpose. He refused. It seemed like he was just making changes at the margins.

Then there was the same old issue of all his alone time. The time he needed to play video games. We continue to work opposite schedules and see each other 2-3 nights tops. But he didn't make the effort. He told me that he didn't like me to stay over because he'd have to turn the volume on his TV down when he slept. He told me sleeping in the bed with me is a chore. I felt very unwelcome and unwanted. I felt I was walking on eggshells. He moved his TV and game system into his living room so he could play as loud and as late as he wanted (although i didn't ever complain about it before). But then he would simply sleep there. I would sleep in his bed - alone. We'd hang out for a few hours and he'd say 'I'm going to play video games now" then I would go to bed.

When I moved to a new apartment, he didn't offer to help. He also revealed to be that he had been allowing himself a "nip" of whiskey from time to time. These two things ended up being the last straw. He blamed his rage and violence on drinking hard liquor and promised to abstain. I lost it, broke down, and broke up with him.

So what is the story here? What is going on? He says he loves me so much. He seems so sad. He can be so wonderful and tender and caring. We can just cuddle for hours and I am the happiest person on the planet. I just do not understand this behavior. I have been told Narcissist. But from what I read, the typical N seems so cold. They move on without looking back. I just don't think that's the case with him. Any insight would be great. I know I wrote a lot.
Thank you.

Sounds like a playa

really? A playa? maybe...

-- Tue Dec 20, 2011 11:30 pm --

I just want to know if it's worth the effort and time... or if he's hopeless

It sounds like he could be a womanizer, alcoholic, psychically/emotionally abusive.

It never ceases to amaze me how dense people can be, and just how stupid emotions are. NPDs, AsPD/Sociopaths/Psychopaths, will never have a shortage of people to victimize and use

You can get bit in the ass severe enough to require stitches and tell yourself it was a 'love bite'

Jeez, Tempest I just read some of your disturbing posts on here so I guess calling me "dense" is your strange way of trying to help me. But you are probably right, we normal people want to believe there is good in people no matter what and are not willing to admit that some people are just uncaring, cold, and self involved. I hope my ex doesn't have full blown NPD or ASPD. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem worth my time anymore. But it's still hard to accept.

How did you expect him to act when your first met him. If he had been his real self, would you have gone out with him.. NO. He had to turn your buttons on.. That wouldn't have happened if he was himself.

A man has to dance the quart-ship ritual the way you ladies want it. Their can be no mistakes. He has to be funny in order to gain status. He has to show that he is a protector of family and loved ones.
He has to act like he will cherish you, marry you, have your children. He has to act the part, dress the part.

That lasted for a few months, possibly three months, then things started to break down. He started becoming himself again..

You are a women. He is a man. he expects you to understand that the honeymoon will be over and everyone has to come back to reality. Reality meaning a person with problems..

This will happen again...

You need to find out why you are attracting these type of people. What are you willing to do to change, that you no longer need to attract people like this..

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Drinking/fighting
Banging women
Video games

Sounds like a guy to me...

"Sociopaths/Psychopaths", No,,!! He's just a guy!
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I think you need to step out of the relationship circle and get to know yourself. Possibly therapy or 12 step groups... What is your roll in all of this.
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" I also believe he's a good, smart person - but he has a lot of baggage and some pain from his childhood. "
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Do not date people on potential. Potential is fantasy land. Have a relationship with God, God wont let you down. Most of the people out here in society will.. As you can see from your previous boyfriend, people are ripped apart beings. If it wasn't for children coming along soon, I believe most would breakup.
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You seem like a nice girl.. Understand that men are not women. They are men.. You have to do some research first. Secondly, they are not honest, they are playa's. Just like this guy in the post...
Ask God for help to bring you someone you can understand. Most of this guys problems are guy problems that you cant solve. If he wanted to solve them he would go on his own and get the help he needs. Doesn't sound like he cares. Their for , he doesn't have a problem...
You have the problem if you continue with this relationship of abuse..

Thank you Omnicell. You definitely raise a lot of good points. I am not a religious person but a higher power could -- something beyond this relationship and myself could definitely help.

caj22 wrote: I guess calling me "dense" is your strange way of trying to help me.

No point in sugar coating it, it is what it is

caj22 wrote:Whatever it is, it doesn't seem worth my time anymore.

It's not, you stated you've ended it. Keep with that decision. He wants someone who will take his abuse and not question it. There's people out there who definitely will, but the fact you're here questioning it... tells me you perhaps have just enough sense to keep away from him. Whatever he says to try and get you back, will be all lies. You'll want to believe him because, as you stated... it's hard for you to imagine people who are emotionally inept, cold and selfish do exist. You'll also project your emotions onto him, like people do with their pets.

Ever had a pet? Or been around people who do? You know there's no way these pets experience the range of emotions their owners project onto them. Kind of the same thing with people who are involved with people who are shallow in the emotional department.

Thanks Tempest. You make a lot of sense. I do have pets and I am pretty sure they care more about me than he does! But I get your point.