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Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

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Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby timewarp » Fri May 27, 2011 6:54 am

I am grieving for my daughter. We had a very close relationship, but she recently married a guy who does not want me in her life. His family feature strongly in their everyday life. He is mentally and financially abusive towards her, controls her every move. We live far away from each other and last week he disconnected their phone after she called me a couple of times. He does not want her to work, feels she has to stay home and cater to his every need. He gives her household money but tells her to the cent what she has to spend it on. She has become distant and aloof and has no contact with any of her old friends. She does not even have airtime on her mobile. She went in for an operation this morning and I can't even be there with her. I am worried sick and just so sad. I
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby jasmin » Sat May 28, 2011 9:55 am

Timewarp, yah, this is an abusive relationship. Abusers try to separate their victim from everyone around them, especially people who could give them support or make them feel like a real person.
How hard have you tried to get your daughter to see this for what it is and leave her husband? I think that's what you have to do, maybe ask some of her close friends and other family members to help you too.
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby timewarp » Sat May 28, 2011 10:58 am

Jasmin, thank you for replying. I have spoken to her previously, and so have one of her now ex friends, but she says she loves him and we just do not understand their relationship. According to her he loves and spoils her. She does not have the will or capability to see that the expensive gifts now and then is so much part of his control over her. I do not want to pressure her too much as I am deathly afraid of loosing her completely is she chooses him.I am ashamed to say that I am praying for the day she divorces him. Regards.
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby jasmin » Sat May 28, 2011 4:21 pm

It sounds like he has her brainwashed.... Doesn't it bother her that she's not "allowed" to speak to you?
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby CrackedGirl » Sat May 28, 2011 5:21 pm

She is being abused and I am so sorry you are having to watch her go through this. One idea I had would be a group of family members going to see her as an intervention to explain your concerns but you would need to think very carefully about that. I am so sorry you re both going through this and I hope it gets resolved.

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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby johnbc » Sat May 28, 2011 5:28 pm

how is your relationship with your daughters spouses parents...perhaps is worthy to begin a dialog with them?
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby Onebravegirl » Sat May 28, 2011 7:27 pm

Hello timewarp.
Long ago, I was that kind of daughter. Let me just say that if she was raised with love and kindness, she will eventually come home to it. I mean in the sense of remembering You and the love and support you showed her.
Be as pleasant as Pie to that husband. Bat your eye lashes, do what ever to disarm him. His actions will show up in time, even in your daughters eyes. At that point, you are there for her. If he wont let you have any contact at all, send a quiet letter with NO questions about their personal life. Just be a quiet presence of love and grace. When the time comes she will know you are there for her and didnt judge her choices.
I suggest all this because I lived first hand in an abusive relationship. My Boy friend would use every concerned thing my mother ever said about me and him and twisted it to him protecting me from abuse. "I'm protecting you from your parents" was a common conversation. Abusers are master manipulators, so the best way to Dis Arm him is to be sweet, supportive, positive. He'll test you of course. Dont waver. Look ahead to the day when she sees him for the ass he is. THAT will be your day.
It is sad that my advice is to manipulate a manipulator. Normally I would never give such advice. But in the case of an abusive relationship, you have to think in different terms.
You love your daughter and I am sure she knows it. Support her, even with stupid choices like the ones she is making right now.
One day you may have her crying into you lap, feeling lost and grateful for you having not judged but support her.
Keep that thought in your head, it can help you not give into anger against him. HE can be a memory, you can be a wise and graceful teacher to your little girl.
With hope and love for you,
One
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby seabe » Mon May 30, 2011 9:05 pm

onebravegirl wrote:Hello timewarp.
Long ago, I was that kind of daughter. Let me just say that if she was raised with love and kindness, she will eventually come home to it. I mean in the sense of remembering You and the love and support you showed her.
Be as pleasant as Pie to that husband. Bat your eye lashes, do what ever to disarm him. His actions will show up in time, even in your daughters eyes. At that point, you are there for her. If he wont let you have any contact at all, send a quiet letter with NO questions about their personal life. Just be a quiet presence of love and grace. When the time comes she will know you are there for her and didnt judge her choices.
I suggest all this because I lived first hand in an abusive relationship. My Boy friend would use every concerned thing my mother ever said about me and him and twisted it to him protecting me from abuse. "I'm protecting you from your parents" was a common conversation. Abusers are master manipulators, so the best way to Dis Arm him is to be sweet, supportive, positive. He'll test you of course. Dont waver. Look ahead to the day when she sees him for the ass he is. THAT will be your day.
It is sad that my advice is to manipulate a manipulator. Normally I would never give such advice. But in the case of an abusive relationship, you have to think in different terms.
You love your daughter and I am sure she knows it. Support her, even with stupid choices like the ones she is making right now.
One day you may have her crying into you lap, feeling lost and grateful for you having not judged but support her.
Keep that thought in your head, it can help you not give into anger against him. HE can be a memory, you can be a wise and graceful teacher to your little girl.
With hope and love for you,
One


So, so very true. I have/am currently getting out of an abusive relationship. My abuser to this day will say that my family is dangerous, and will easily try to jumble my mind into believing that they are trying to control me. My mother and sister especially have been through hell watching me go through that relationship. My mother, unfortunately, up until very recently, was more condemning than supportive, and for that reason I started to believe what my boyfriend was saying about their controlling habits. It's a very fine line, but try to be that consistent, graceful presence in your daughters life even though as a mother you just want to step in and put a stop to it. The best chance she has of getting out of it safely when she decides to, is to know she has somewhere to go and someone she can trust who will be there to love and support her. I'm sorry you're going through this. If she's anything like me, she will eventually hit a point where she can't possible sink any lower, and she will realize that something is not right, and she'll think back on what it felt like when she felt real, secure love that she didn't have to be afraid of- which is where you'll come in.

I hope things get better, be strong.
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby timewarp » Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:08 pm

It has been a very difficult past few days. Coming to terms with something like this is not easy. I do get what you are saying in that I have to remain a positive loving presence in her life. It is going to be much more difficult to be nice to him but I will try. Thank you for your insight and support.
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Re: Lost my daughter to her controlling husband

Postby jasmin » Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:36 pm

People can suddenly wake up to the fact that they're being abused. Don't give up, timewarp. Is there anyone who might have treated her, in the past, the way that he's treating her now? I'm just asking so that we could maybe all help you figure out why she's acting this way.
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