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Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

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Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby Crion87 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:36 am

Hey,

I wasn't sure where this topic would best fit but I'm wondering if anyone knows of any dating sites around that may help someone like myself (I have a mild Asperger Syndrome, but I can handle being touched etc. so I don't think it's that severe at all). I tried AspieAffection.com but I found it irrelevant since there were next to no females on there who would be in my geographical area anyways. I'm fairly open to the idea of dating people with mental illness, as I have done so before. I'm open to almost anyone as long as there would be something of a relationship that was wanted equally for both; but I have no desire to be used and abused as I have been.

Preferably, the site would have to have a relatively good number of Australians or Australian-residents on the site, particularly in the state of Victoria (I live in the Victorian area of Gippsland, which is basically the southeasternmost part of Victoria which itself is the smallest and southeasternmost state in mainland Australia). Is there anyone out there who might be able to point me in the right or at least a good direction?

Basically, I wish to put the past relationship-related crap (pardon the French) that I have had to stick out behind me, and get back in there, but toward people who would be more accepting of me and that I would be more accepting of. Although it seems workable to me in theory I don't think I'd get on too well with someone else who has Asperger Syndrome (basically mother-related issues about that which I would rather avoid, as my mother also has Asperger Syndrome).

Any constructive help/advice would be most welcome; however if you are trying to jeer at me or something, I'd rather that it be taken elsewhere.
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Re: Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby Platypus » Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:26 am

Hi there Crion87,

I'd suggest http://www.okcupid.com

Why? It's one of the more introvert and aspie-friendly dating sites. Plus you can busy yourself with match questions and personality tests when you don't feel like contacting other people directly.

I'd stay clear from the more mainstream RSVP, LavaLife and Match. They seem better for casual sex or extroverts - people write little and expect to meet-up quickly, which may not suit you.

I wouldn't bother with Asperger's specific dating sites like AspieAffection - I doubt there'd be enough Aussies on them to make it worth your time.

There are a few Aussies on eHarmony, but it's not a free site. However, if the other sites don't appeal, it may be worth a look. (It's more conservative or marriage-oriented, which means there's less time wasters. But personally I didn't like the limited search options and guided communication etc.)

If you do make it to OkCupid, check out the OkTrends: http://blog.okcupid.com/ which has interesting articles about user statistics/behaviour.

Which ever site you use, bare in mind that many users are not serious about finding a partner, so don't take rejection or people who 'disappear' to heart. They say it takes patience to find someone special online. Good luck! :D

PS Gippsland is my favourite part of Victoria. :wink:
No diagnosis, lots of opinions, and a bunch of issues that I haven't quite figured out.
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Re: Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby agirlbyanyothername » Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:09 am

I don’t have a specific site recommendation, but I wanted to suggest using a site that requires paid membership. My reasoning is that you’ll get far less flakes on such websites. If people have to pay money to use the service, they’re going to be serious about meeting other people.

It’s the old “you get what you pay for” line. This is just my opinion and I could be completely wrong. I haven't used internet dating for awhile; I mostly used craigslist for hooking up with other girls.
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Re: Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby Crion87 » Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:28 am

To be honest, I don't know who first to contact on OKCupid and furthermore I keep feeling the risk of being turned aside outweighs any benefits.

In fact, I don't really know what I could do, besides undergo a faked conversion to Islam or some other equally drastic and extreme measure. I know that my relationships and love life would be far more rich and present if I were a homosexual man. Alas, I am not. So it seems I am condemned.
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Re: Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby scarecrow817 » Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:42 pm

I believe dating sites are rigged. By that I mean the site administrators/moderators will read every message you send to other people, and intentionally edit out any contact information forcing you to pay more.

Another way is they'll pretend to be paid members and either will not give contact info or say something like, "I'll email/call you whenever I'm ready. For now let's use this website ok?". Of course that 'person' will never be ready.
Get ready to die people! The government's gonna kill us!
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Re: Need help on finding suitable dating sites for me...

Postby Crion87 » Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:02 pm

scarecrow817 wrote:I believe dating sites are rigged. By that I mean the site administrators/moderators will read every message you send to other people, and intentionally edit out any contact information forcing you to pay more.

Another way is they'll pretend to be paid members and either will not give contact info or say something like, "I'll email/call you whenever I'm ready. For now let's use this website ok?". Of course that 'person' will never be ready.


I know that already. As an aside, I also feel that the vast majority of Australian women aren't really suitable for me - or admittedly, what is probably more to the point, I feel I am not really suitable for them. I know it's only two examples from a source of about ~11 million, but the only Australian women I have ever gotten close enough from mutual attraction have been very negative experiences in different ways - one had severe BPD and was a self-mutilator to boot (however, in my defence I was actually quite heartbroken and distraught whenever I had heard she ended up in the psychiatric ward after having cut, and I didn't want to take the risks involved with "going all the way" - if you get my drift - with such a person, and although both she and I have moved very far on I still feel bad about having to dump her to save myself, even if I knew it would suit both her and I both better in the long-term). The other was a complete bitch who used me for sex (and it was that latter woman who took my virginity, not the former - it's a very long and traumatic story I am in no disposition of reiterating at all, but I will say she was 30 going on 31 and I was 21, and also that I feel blessed that I escaped both STD-free and childless - that is all I wish to say, other than that I was naive and stupid). This has caused me to be quite hateful of White Australian women, at least in my unexpressed internal thoughts and feelings - I do not say anything about it considering I am a White Australian in Australia, and like most people with such issues I hold family members exempt.

Curiously though, there is one other non-family exemption to my general distaste of Australian women that I can remember by her full name - she was a woman I befriended about three months after I broke up with my BPD ex, even considering she was seven years older than me, we became comparatively close friends in a rather short space of time - I remember even having feelings related to unresolved sexual tension about her - though I was OK with the idea of being merely platonic with her and I said so. Even if I had feelings for her I was happy if she didn't at that time and I was just happy being her friend. Yes, I did want her, but I was content with being her friend all the same - indeed, I came to value her company more than her looks.

As our friendship rolled on, but in a strangely short space of time she became friendly in a physical manner, but still platonic. Nonetheless, I still fell in love with her, and I even said to her, with meaning that I had never truly felt before my friendship with her began, those three words - "I love you". To my surprise, she answered, "I love you too."

Eventually she even let me kiss her on the cheek whenever it came time that I had to part company with her. I hate to speculate over why she allowed me to give her even that simple gesture, given she has had very bad and even horrific instances in her life concerning men, worst of which was that she was raped by someone (she told me)- I imagine the rapist was formerly an acquaintance of hers as I remember her saying his name in understandable disgust - and, upon hearing that, the very idea of her being hurt in such what I believe a totally heinous and downright evil manner, left me quite literally - as in psychosomatic - feeling nauseated.

I also clearly remember that while our pasts and our backstories were very different, we had things in common, we had similar value systems and very similar spiritual beliefs (I'm of a New Age sort of spirituality/faith - but I already held those sorts of beliefs before I met her, as did she before she met me).

Unfortunately, contact broke down between me and her after about July 2009, due to her moving away - I never saw her again, and I miss her terribly. However, I consider this the healthiest relationship, platonic or otherwise, I remember having with anyone to date - as though it was quite a rapid growth in closeness in a matter of about 2-4 months, at least it was mutually agreeable. Compared to either of my relationships with my now ex-girlfriends, it is that platonic friendship I have now addressed that I remember with most fondness, even over those other, unhealthy, and too-quickly sexualised relationships I once had. Even if it's highly unlikely, if that platonic friend I mentioned asked me to be her boyfriend, even given the problems involved, I would say without hesitation one phrase: "Yes, I will." And I would be faithful and true to the bitter end.

However, re-contact with her is unlikely to happen, and I suspect that I will have to find someone else. But at least I have an idea on healthy vs unhealthy in terms of relationships.

It's trying to find someone with whom it would be healthy for both that's the downright insanely difficult-to-the-point-of-near-impossibility trick! However, I guess all I can do is make friends, as well as keep up at least some hope of better things until, well, when the Grim Reaper should turn up. I guess it's a bit optimistic - and this is coming from someone more inclined to pessimism - but if it keeps me from topping myself or doing something stupid or illegal...

Addendum #1: Yes, I know I subverted my own hatreds in all that, and I see both irony and hypocrisy in my continuing to hold hatred against Australian women when I did have a good friendship with a woman who was one of them. And I can only hope that a similar subversion will occur in future if nothing else. I'm OK with the idea of inter-ethnic or interracial relationships though, as long as I can understand and accept their cultural background and all that entails at least to an acceptable level for that sort of thing to be healthy. It's not the race, it's the culture, I say. It's also the person, I know - but I realise that there has to be some sort of minimum mutual acceptance from both sides for anything to work at all. Also one has to be willing to overlook faults, as long as those faults do not compromise one's acceptance of the other. So I got the basic idea worked out at least. :D

Addendum #2: Good grief, rereading all of this - Mum was right, relationships are hard - even for me to contemplate more fully! Although it would be far easier for me to use a hooker, as prostitution is in fact legal in the state of Victoria in Australia, and is heavily regulated, I guess it's me being unreasonably optimistic but although I have seen first hand what a dodgy relationship is all about, I have seen what can happen when a relationship in fact does work in a good way; the long-term benefits of a good or at least acceptable relationship seem to outweigh the momentary pleasures of a house of ill repute. I guess looking at that it's only natural I'd want a relationship besides companionship, love, and all that - I'm the kind of person who favours a long-term benefit where possible even if the short term setting such is a pain in the area I should post about on a proctology forum...
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