Our partner

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderator: Otter

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby orangerain » Mon Aug 02, 2010 4:53 am

I have been in a 3-year relationship with my boyfriend. We are generally a happy couple-- we have fights, but are always able to work it out through communication. But recently, something happened that has really put our relationship in strain.

Last May, I went out-of-the-country for a three-month vacation. He wanted to come with me, but he couldn't leave work so I went alone. For the whole three months, I thought everything was okay with us. I mean, he'd stay up until the wee hours in the morning just so we can talk on Skype. He'd send me messages telling me that he misses me and he wants me to come home. So, when I came home, I was really excited to see him. He even went to the airport to pick me up despite his busy schedule. A few days after arriving, I received a message from an anonymous person stating the my boyfriend has been dating the messenger's friend. According to the person, my boyfriend and the girl broke up two weeks before I arrived. Since it was an anonymous message, I didn't believe it right away. Then, I asked my boyfriend. He admitted everything.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY: He did go out with a girl while I was away, but he didn't consider it as dating. He said they were just hanging out. He admitted that he brought her to his hometown and introduced her to his relatives - but only as a friend. His brother and aunt confirmed that he did not introduce her as his girlfriend. He also admitted that they went on a weekend trip to the beach. But he assured me that nothing happened to them ever. They never kissed or had sex. He told me that a month before I came home, he felt very guilty about what he has been doing and started to avoid the girl, but the girl kept calling him-- until he finally confronted her and told her that he wants to end it and stay with me.

THE GIRL'S SIDE OF THE STORY (as told by her friend only): They have been officially dating and he even introduced her as his girlfriend to his family. Yes, they did go on a weekend trip and she said she MAY BE pregnant.

MY THOUGHTS:
Ever since I found out about this, my boyfriend has been trying to fix things. He asked for my forgiveness and he asked me for a second chance. He has been trying to regain my trust as well. But the thing is, as much as I'd like to move on and be happy with him again, I don't think I can if I'm still bothered about this. I am planning to talk to the girl herself and my boyfriend as well- face to face. I want them to tell them the whole story together. My question is, is this the right thing to do? Or should I just be contented with what my boyfriend told me and just try to move on? Also... Is it wrong/stupid that I'm giving him a second chance?
If you want to be happy, BE.
orangerain
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2009 3:24 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 7:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby WonderfulDay » Mon Aug 02, 2010 3:43 pm

Here's my thought :

There are a ton of guys out there who wouldn't cheat on you once, let alone lie about it to your face. He obviously slept with the girl. He just won't tell you because he knows what you'll do.

Why would you choose a guy who has cheated and lied over a bazillion other faithful guys?

Dating is shopping. If the dress makes you look fat or has a rip or isn't the right color for your eyes, you return it to the rack and try another dress. You try and try until you find one that is good for you. You don't take the dress that makes you look fat and has a huge rip in it. It isn't the right dress for you. And this guy isn't the right guy for you. The right guy wouldn't have cheated in the first place so there'd be no need to lie to you.

You are not married.

Do I believe once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily. But cheating when you're dating shows that the cheater wants out and doesn't have the guts to get out in an honorable way. So help him out by showing him the door.

BTW, I am very sorry for the grief this guy has caused you. You deserve so much better than the likes of him. And remember, the girl didn't make him cheat. He chose it. He orchestrated it. And he was so blatant about it that he took her home to his family knowing full well you'd find out. That's a guy who wanted out.
WonderfulDay
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:05 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby orangerain » Tue Aug 03, 2010 7:36 am

The girl knew I was going out of the country so she went in when I was away.

To update you... I am still dating this guy. I chose to stay only because I want to give him another chance. He has been doing so well trying to fix things already and he is successful with it. You might think I'm stupid for staying with someone who hurt me so much, but when I look at it, he has made me happy more than he has hurt me. This is just one mistake against so many good memories with him.

So there. I am staying and going to try to make things better with him. Don't worry, though. This is the last time I'm giving him a chance to make it right. The next time he does it, I'm out.
If you want to be happy, BE.
orangerain
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2009 3:24 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 7:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby WonderfulDay » Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:57 am

Yeah. The girl made him do it.
WonderfulDay
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:05 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby Ariadne » Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:29 pm

Just a suggestion: you might want to go to therapy together. It's fine that you're wanting to work things out with him, but there's always going to be that lingering doubt in the back of your mind. There is no relationship if there is no trust between you two. Once a cheater, not always a cheater. There is hope. But just because things seem okay now doesn't mean there's no long-term damage from what he's done to the relationship.
You make that dance look so new
And I'm in awe
A face like you've never seen
I'm yours tonight
So come on...
Ariadne
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:48 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 6:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby Jerril » Wed Aug 04, 2010 7:13 pm

It's all up to you, your choice, your comfort levels, and how you feel about it.

You've asked others what to do but then you went ahead and stayed with him anyway.

It wouldn't be within my comfort levels to stay with someone who has violated:

1) my trust, and

2) my right to know what sort of risk of disease I'm faced with in sleeping with someone

Basically, he's endangering your health by possibly spreading someone else's potentially harmful germs to your genitals, mouth, or other body parts WITHOUT TELLING YOU!
Jerril
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 494
Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2007 3:02 am
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 8:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby Melzipar » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:49 am

Hi,
I may have misunderstood, but I think you said his story was that there was nothing more than friendship between them, it is the girl who had more demands and he was uncomfortable with this. Why not go with your idea of talking to the two of them together? I am sure then you will know the truth, and if he is telling the truth you can have more peace of mind. If he's not, good on you for giving him another chance and Good luck, I hope he can mature and treat you with more respect.
Peace and love, M
Melzipar
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:35 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby j_64 » Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:32 am

hey
u should defenatly talk to the girl face to face & see what she says & try to read her body language sometimes that really shows if she's lying or not.
j_64
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:01 am
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 2:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby spunky7704 » Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:33 pm

I forgave my ex for randomly hooking up with a guy when she was high and drunk. After it happened and she came home she was distraught had completely blacked out so she couldn't tell me exactly what happened. She kept saying to leave her cause she was just a worthless w@ore. I had never felt so stupid hurt and confused. We had sex five times the day before so why cheat. I didn't want the relationship to end for a lot of reasons so I sucked up my pride and decided to give her another chance. I blamed her behavior on her drug use and wide variety of mental and emotional problems which I think was true But long story short I should have ended it right there because I never actually forgave her I started verbally abusing her and had no trust. I actually began to cheat on her cause I thought it would hurt less if I was unfaithful to Real bad situation

-- Sun Sep 14, 2014 8:34 am --

I forgave my ex for randomly hooking up with a guy when she was high and drunk. After it happened and she came home she was distraught had completely blacked out so she couldn't tell me exactly what happened. She kept saying to leave her cause she was just a worthless w@ore. I had never felt so stupid hurt and confused. We had sex five times the day before so why cheat. I didn't want the relationship to end for a lot of reasons so I sucked up my pride and decided to give her another chance. I blamed her behavior on her drug use and wide variety of mental and emotional problems which I think was true But long story short I should have ended it right there because I never actually forgave her I started verbally abusing her and had no trust. I actually began to cheat on her cause I thought it would hurt less if I was unfaithful to Real bad situation
spunky7704
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 6:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Postby sarahwpen » Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:46 pm

orangerain wrote:The girl knew I was going out of the country so she went in when I was away.

To update you... I am still dating this guy. I chose to stay only because I want to give him another chance. He has been doing so well trying to fix things already and he is successful with it. You might think I'm stupid for staying with someone who hurt me so much, but when I look at it, he has made me happy more than he has hurt me. This is just one mistake against so many good memories with him.

So there. I am staying and going to try to make things better with him. Don't worry, though. This is the last time I'm giving him a chance to make it right. The next time he does it, I'm out.


ok, this is coming from someone who has been on the other side here, so keep that in mind....

A. It isn't the girl's fault. He is a grownup. Don't take that away from him. Unless you like playing momma.
B. "once a cheater, always a cheater." True. Because I cheated. Therefore I can never go back and "uncheat". Even if I never do it again. You both have to live with that. Make sure you know what you are signing up for. It is ugly. For a long, long time. Trust doesn't grow on trees, even if you fertilize them. Staying HAS to mean forgiving, and that is almost impossible if you are human. My husband stayed. He has to re-forgive me quite often. Every time someone with that name is introduced, every time a movie scene reads like a memory from the past, every time a song comes on the radio that makes him angry. Every time I flinch because something hit a nerve and reminded me of something.
C. that "Next Time" thing will hang over his head and in the back of your mind like a rotting corpse. Throw it out. Love him. I am still working on this one. But if you look at my thread about "resentment" you will understand a little about how emotionally terrifying and necessary it turns out to be. You gotta be in with both feet, and so does he.
D. I don't think it is a good sign that he may have lied about the sex. I came clean. I wish I hadn't. If I had it to do over I would never ever tell him. Even if it ate me up from the inside out for the rest of my life, it would be better than the experience of the shock, and pain, and absolute betrayal that came directly after "yeah, i ###$ him!" So I can kind of understand how he might hang onto the lie for dear life. But I came clean because I thought he deserved to know the truth. That is what seems bad to me. I guess it seems like he should have told you since you did ask.
Forums you may find me in:
Relationships
Self injury

"I tell you: one must still have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star.-Friedrich Nietzsche
sarahwpen
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 239
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2014 6:56 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 6:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests