Yesterday I was logged into my account on the computer and my girlfriend wanted to look something up on our phone records. Figuring no harm would come from it, I let her. Since the site was already in the history bar, she just clicked that. One of the sites in my history bar happened to be a porn site. I didn't give any reaction, since I didn't think there was anything wrong. She already knows I look at porn and it's not an addiction where that's all I do all day. I do it maybe once a day tops. I don't ignore her nor am I overbearing on her sexually.
So later, we're just sitting there talking and she makes a quip about how I was looking at porn. I laughed it off, thinking it was a joke. A little while after that, I went into our room to get something. She came in behind me and said she wanted to talk with me about something. She started telling me how she didn't like the idea that I was looking at porn when she wasn't around, and that it made her feel like she wasn't adequate enough for me. This is a common gripe with women, I know. I tried to explain to her that it's not an addiction, I'm completely happy with our intimacy, and that it had nothing at all to do with her. So she asks me to let her look at my internet history. I refused, and told her that if she doesn't trust me that's on her. She tried to turn it into me not trusting her, then into I'm keeping something from her, then into how much time I spend on the computer during the day (I moved to the middle of nowhere with her when I didn't have a car nor the capability to drive). I'm sorry, but I just don't believe I should have to submit my every activity to her scrutiny even after telling her what kind of porn I look at. If I were to demand she do the same, I'd be labeled a control freak, and rightly so. She's adamant that she doesn't feel I'm cheating or anything, so what other excuse could she have? It's not like I could cheat, considering I'm stranded in the middle of ######6 NOWHERE with no friends, no car, no anything except what I have in my house.
Where does she get off making demands of me when I've expressed my discomfort with her bringing home alcohol, and the most I got was "I'll take your feelings into consideration", only to be brow-beaten into letting her bring beer or vodka home when she's had a strenuous day (usually once a week)? It got so bad a few nights ago that she told me it was over because I went to lay on the couch and I took my private journal with me. She said I demonstrated my lack of trust. I've wanted this relationship to end. I want to go back to the city. But I'd have to have my mom bring a Uhaul truck and bring back all my stuff from here. That's if my girlfriend didn't go into a bull-like fit of rage at me and break stuff.
Then there's the fact that try as I might, I can't bring myself to tell her I don't want to be with her. I was the one who asked her to not dump me. I'm the one who always apologizes in the end. She put it best herself once when she told me "I say what I mean and I mean what I say."
She constantly puts herself down and brings up the obvious fact that we won't be together forever. She seems to either need pot or alcohol to "relax" or "unwind", which usually consists of her getting easily offended at an off-handed remark, rambling on and on about pointless #######4 (complete with annoying catchphrases like "It is what it is what it is!"), going into great detail about ways to hurt her enemies, then telling me how much of a peaceful person she is when I suggest realistic ways to hurt them.
Picture this: You live in a city, you have a job you enjoy, you have friends you enjoy, you have a life. You made a promise to one of those friends that you would help her get free from her abusive relationship and help her throughout that. You fall in love with her, and soon the two of you are a couple. You manage to get her to leave the abusive prick, and you find a place out in the middle of nowhere. You lived in the city, so you could take a bus if where you needed to go was too far. You didn't need a car or the ability to drive just yet. Now you're smack dab in the middle of ###$ where even the nearest store of any sort is a 15 minute drive. You have no car, no driving knowledge, and now no money because of your own insistence to contribute something. If you even go back to the city to visit for a week, your girlfriend guilts you to high hell for leaving her alone. Oh, and her ex? Still in constant communication with him. She's let him throw a lamp at her, drain their joint accounts of $30,000 (his "reassurance" money), get his drug dealing scum son's goon squad to "reclaim" his truck, drive recklessly with herself her daughter and her daughter's friend in the car, try to take custody of the daughter without any knowledge as to where we lived (the courts can't find you to serve the papers correctly, but goddamn I'm sure they can track your ass down in a moment if you don't show up for the court date you weren't properly informed of), and now he's purchased a home in our area with money that belongs to her so he can "be closer to his family" despite both her and the daughter expressing discontent with it. Each time he does this, he bombs her with text messages and emails asking for forgiveness, which she grants after a week. The bastard is goddamn lucky I haven't taken matters into my own hands and pounded his fat ######6 face in with a wrench. She seems to be slacking on filing for divorce, telling him it's over, or taking any action of any kind. I've tried to help her by giving her resources to use, but she gets annoyed when I do this, and it ends in an argument, with me apologizing my ######6 ass off for and telling her what she wants to hear.
As you can see, I'm at wit's end with this #######4. I want out. I don't care if I'm breaking my promise or not being supportive. I've supported her all I can. She dismisses my support, that's on her. I've given up a life I enjoyed to be with her and help her. I can't help someone who routinely refuses my help. She's reckless, unreasonable, and at this point an entirely lost cause.
I don't want to be in this go-nowhere relationship in the middle of the ######6 woods with no money of my own and no friends.
I want to cry so badly, but I can't, because that's become difficult to do.
"The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization."
-- Robert A. Wilson