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I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

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I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby TheOtherLight » Wed Jun 17, 2009 8:03 pm

Yesterday I was logged into my account on the computer and my girlfriend wanted to look something up on our phone records. Figuring no harm would come from it, I let her. Since the site was already in the history bar, she just clicked that. One of the sites in my history bar happened to be a porn site. I didn't give any reaction, since I didn't think there was anything wrong. She already knows I look at porn and it's not an addiction where that's all I do all day. I do it maybe once a day tops. I don't ignore her nor am I overbearing on her sexually.

So later, we're just sitting there talking and she makes a quip about how I was looking at porn. I laughed it off, thinking it was a joke. A little while after that, I went into our room to get something. She came in behind me and said she wanted to talk with me about something. She started telling me how she didn't like the idea that I was looking at porn when she wasn't around, and that it made her feel like she wasn't adequate enough for me. This is a common gripe with women, I know. I tried to explain to her that it's not an addiction, I'm completely happy with our intimacy, and that it had nothing at all to do with her. So she asks me to let her look at my internet history. I refused, and told her that if she doesn't trust me that's on her. She tried to turn it into me not trusting her, then into I'm keeping something from her, then into how much time I spend on the computer during the day (I moved to the middle of nowhere with her when I didn't have a car nor the capability to drive). I'm sorry, but I just don't believe I should have to submit my every activity to her scrutiny even after telling her what kind of porn I look at. If I were to demand she do the same, I'd be labeled a control freak, and rightly so. She's adamant that she doesn't feel I'm cheating or anything, so what other excuse could she have? It's not like I could cheat, considering I'm stranded in the middle of ######6 NOWHERE with no friends, no car, no anything except what I have in my house.

Where does she get off making demands of me when I've expressed my discomfort with her bringing home alcohol, and the most I got was "I'll take your feelings into consideration", only to be brow-beaten into letting her bring beer or vodka home when she's had a strenuous day (usually once a week)? It got so bad a few nights ago that she told me it was over because I went to lay on the couch and I took my private journal with me. She said I demonstrated my lack of trust. I've wanted this relationship to end. I want to go back to the city. But I'd have to have my mom bring a Uhaul truck and bring back all my stuff from here. That's if my girlfriend didn't go into a bull-like fit of rage at me and break stuff.

Then there's the fact that try as I might, I can't bring myself to tell her I don't want to be with her. I was the one who asked her to not dump me. I'm the one who always apologizes in the end. She put it best herself once when she told me "I say what I mean and I mean what I say."

She constantly puts herself down and brings up the obvious fact that we won't be together forever. She seems to either need pot or alcohol to "relax" or "unwind", which usually consists of her getting easily offended at an off-handed remark, rambling on and on about pointless #######4 (complete with annoying catchphrases like "It is what it is what it is!"), going into great detail about ways to hurt her enemies, then telling me how much of a peaceful person she is when I suggest realistic ways to hurt them.

Picture this: You live in a city, you have a job you enjoy, you have friends you enjoy, you have a life. You made a promise to one of those friends that you would help her get free from her abusive relationship and help her throughout that. You fall in love with her, and soon the two of you are a couple. You manage to get her to leave the abusive prick, and you find a place out in the middle of nowhere. You lived in the city, so you could take a bus if where you needed to go was too far. You didn't need a car or the ability to drive just yet. Now you're smack dab in the middle of ###$ where even the nearest store of any sort is a 15 minute drive. You have no car, no driving knowledge, and now no money because of your own insistence to contribute something. If you even go back to the city to visit for a week, your girlfriend guilts you to high hell for leaving her alone. Oh, and her ex? Still in constant communication with him. She's let him throw a lamp at her, drain their joint accounts of $30,000 (his "reassurance" money), get his drug dealing scum son's goon squad to "reclaim" his truck, drive recklessly with herself her daughter and her daughter's friend in the car, try to take custody of the daughter without any knowledge as to where we lived (the courts can't find you to serve the papers correctly, but goddamn I'm sure they can track your ass down in a moment if you don't show up for the court date you weren't properly informed of), and now he's purchased a home in our area with money that belongs to her so he can "be closer to his family" despite both her and the daughter expressing discontent with it. Each time he does this, he bombs her with text messages and emails asking for forgiveness, which she grants after a week. The bastard is goddamn lucky I haven't taken matters into my own hands and pounded his fat ######6 face in with a wrench. She seems to be slacking on filing for divorce, telling him it's over, or taking any action of any kind. I've tried to help her by giving her resources to use, but she gets annoyed when I do this, and it ends in an argument, with me apologizing my ######6 ass off for and telling her what she wants to hear.

As you can see, I'm at wit's end with this #######4. I want out. I don't care if I'm breaking my promise or not being supportive. I've supported her all I can. She dismisses my support, that's on her. I've given up a life I enjoyed to be with her and help her. I can't help someone who routinely refuses my help. She's reckless, unreasonable, and at this point an entirely lost cause.

I don't want to be in this go-nowhere relationship in the middle of the ######6 woods with no money of my own and no friends.

I want to cry so badly, but I can't, because that's become difficult to do.
"The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization."
-- Robert A. Wilson
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby Chucky » Thu Jun 18, 2009 12:43 am

Hey dude,

There's a lot of unanswered stuff here. I mean, you started your message about the 'porn' incident, and then went on to talk about many other past issues. You know what this means, right? - It means that these past issues were never ersolved and were allowed to linger in the background, with the pressure building up over time. You and her need to get a constructive way of dealing with arguments, okay? Each time a disagreement arises in the future, you and her must agree to, like, sit down and talk calmy to each other until an agreement has been reached.

You love her, right? Im' sure that she loves you too, but this lack of communication is making that love blind. This happens all of the time in relationships. One piece of advice that I find MOST helpful: Never raise your voice. It serves no good in an adult conversation.
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby TheOtherLight » Thu Jun 18, 2009 2:39 pm

This was originally going to just be about the porn thing. ;-)

These aren't past issues, they're all still very much current.

I'm capable of being civil, she isn't.

On top of that, we can't be alone more than 5 minutes before her daughter or her mother come knocking on the door (neither know about the relationship). If you tell them to wait a minute, the daughter hides outside and tries to listen, knocking every five minutes, and the mother gets offended and holds a grudge for the rest of the day. Girlfriend doesn't seem to like to talk about things, always telling me "Now's not a good time," or "I'm tired".

I've tried to just sit down and talk about it. If by the miracles of Odin we're not interrupted and she's not "tired", the conversation turns into the stuff I do and how "this is your first time living with someone else, I can't expect you to know all these things". When I try to turn it back to my issue with her, even politely, she starts to get annoyed, says I'm generalizing, making one instance out to be every day, then runs off into the bathroom to take a few puffs of pot. The rest of the night is spent in conflict, until I apologize. I've had her anger last two days before I realized I always have to be the bigger person and say sorry.

I've also suspected she stops at the bar on her way home from work. This one time, we were at the gas station near said bar, and as she was pumping gas, one of the employees came out to go to the store in the same strip. She saw my girlfriend and screamed "HI (name)!", waving frantically. My girlfriend didn't respond, and had a sort of "Didn't want that to happen" look about her. So I got my composure, and asked her who that was. After ignoring the question several times and speaking to her daughter and mother about unrelated stuff, she got annoyed and answered, telling me it was the cook at the bar. I asked her how they knew each other, and she simply said "I've been in there a few times." I asked how many was a few, and she started getting defensive, saying "THREE." I expressed doubt that somebody could be so familiar with someone else after three meetings as to scream their name across a parking lot and wave. Of course this annoyed her and when we got home she retreated to the bathroom.

I've abandoned the notion that any of this can be worked out. Her mind is set where it's at, and I can't change that. I'll just wind up being the guilty one every time. After all, she says what she means and she means what she says, right? :D
"The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization."
-- Robert A. Wilson
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby LifeSong » Thu Jun 18, 2009 3:14 pm

I think you've explained your situation really clearly and pretty honestly. I get it. And I agree that you have to get out of there. She's not in any place to change right now, or to be loving to you. It almost seems like this was a set-up from the start, not that it was conscious on either your part or her part... just the circumstances set the whole thing up for failure.

    She's still married, and hasn't even moved to the point of filing for divorce, if I hear your story right.
    She's still engaged and involved (however ugly) with her husband. That emotional attachment hasn't died or been healed yet. I think that's one of the reasons why it's advised not to get into a relationship with someone until it's been two years out from the divorce - it takes time to leave things behind us.
    She and you seem to live with her daughter and mother. Yikes. That's a strain on a budding relationship that is huge. Her attention and loyalties are divided between all of you and, I think, you might come in a poor last.
    She might feel beholden to you (for all the rescuing you did of her) and that might be irking on her. Think she'd be grateful? Well, yeah, but it's a mixed bag when we feel 'rescued'; sometimes we get resentful and turn on the rescuer.
    Sounds like she works and you don't yet. That's often deadly. She might feel she's killing herself to support everyone and deserves respect and peace just cuz she's working so hard (thus the bar and pot and dodging conflict with you or 'letting you have it' frequently). If you aren't lovingly on the same page, working at life together, then this puts her in the one-up position and you in the one-down position. Yuck.
    If you aren't working, and you don't have a car/can't drive, this probably makes you feel way toooo dependent on her and on the relationship. That's not good either. Each person has to feel independent for a relationship to thrive. You gotta feel like it is a free choice to be in the relationship; if not, that 'stuck' feeling is going to arise.
    From your description, she does sound controlling. Might have been an issue in her marriage? One she didn't ever look at? Or might be a defensive reaction to her husband's control/abuse of her (ie "no one's going to take advantage of me ever again"). Either way, it's destructive. Another reason why no one should jump into another relationship until a long waiting/healing period has gone by.
Overall, you just sound incredibly unhappy. Angry, ya that too. But under that might be just plain sadness.. that it's all going downhill now and you did it to yourself and now you gotta do something about it.
As you say, you really DO need to do something about this. All the factors I've said, and plenty more that only you know, make this relationship as it currently stands really unhealthy and without much hope for repair.
Maybe you lovingly need to tell her that this whole thing isn't working out for you, you're moving back 'home', and that you hope you can keep up a close relationship with her without living with her. You tried.. it was a mistake.. it's no one's fault.. but now you gotta correct the mistake. That puts no one in the wrong - it just states the obvious fact.
Here's hoping that you get back to some happiness! This sounds miserable to me.
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby UK-SW » Thu Jun 18, 2009 3:46 pm

1) delete your internet history
2) visit this thread and nothing else
3) shut down the PC
4) tell her it's fine for her to look through your history after all
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby Chucky » Thu Jun 18, 2009 5:58 pm

Hey again dude,

LifeSong's post is good and it reminds me of something: What if you took a break from her? Like, tell her tha you're moving back 'home' and that y ou hope you and her can still remain close. Distance and time apart can be good in a relationship, especially one that is being run into the ground as your one seems to be. Overall, I feel very sad for you because you come across as a generous, calm, and collected guy. I'm confidant that you'll be fine whatever happens out of this. Whether she will be is another question, judging by how you've described her here.

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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby TheOtherLight » Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:47 pm

@ LifeSong:

She gets annoyed at me when I express guilt for not being able to work. She tells me I shouldn't feel that way, because she doesn't. She understands, but I don't think there's an excuse.

As for her daughter and mother coming first, I would expect that. I have no right to come in and demand attention over her true family. It's one of those things that I know it's not right of me to be bothered by it, but it still bothers me nonetheless.

Her husband was extremely controlling, and I was the only one who had the balls to tell her that. Mind you, I don't know what she was like at home, but from the exchanges between them on the phone at work (she was my boss at one point), he was an asshole. He also committed marriage rape (guilting the woman into having sex with the excuse that marriage entails his right to sex), something that I feel is below despicable.


@ UK-SW

I could just as easily "hide" my history and restore it after showing her. My point is I shouldn't have to put my browsing history under her scrutiny because she's bothered at me looking at porn. It's one thing if she suspected cheating, but porn is a poor excuse.

@ Chucky

Back in December, I tried that. I tried to tell her "I think we need a break, let me go back to the city and get a car and money so I can be of more use here." She nearly had a breakdown. Hyperventilating, throwing stuff across the garage, veiled threats that she would harm herself and others. Even after I explained to her that I would return, the same stuff. "You're not going to come back!" "You're better off without me!" Obviously this plays a huge part in my current reluctance to end this relationship.

Recently, she's been highlighting the fact that she knows we won't be together forever, and saying stuff like "I'm showing you what real love is. Later in life you'll be able to know if someone truly loves you." "You're going to want to have a family later in life." It's an obvious fact, but it's not something that I need to be told when I'm cuddling with her.

I do love her very much and I will always love her. I don't want to feel responsible if she does something reckless because I ended this.
"The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization."
-- Robert A. Wilson
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby LifeSong » Thu Jun 18, 2009 8:25 pm

[quote="TheOtherLight"}
She gets annoyed at me when I express guilt for not being able to work. She tells me I shouldn't feel that way, because she doesn't. She understands, but I don't think there's an excuse.

I think you should feel that way. Not guilt necessarily but a natural desire to work and make your own way. You're a man. I wonder why she doesn't see that need in you?

As for her daughter and mother coming first, I would expect that. I have no right to come in and demand attention over her true family. It's one of those things that I know it's not right of me to be bothered by it, but it still bothers me nonetheless.

I wasn't really talking about the rightness or wrongness of this. Just saying that in the scheme of things, you come last. And sometimes that's a crummy place to be in when you're young. For me, I'd like to be in a relationship where I'm positioned to be the most important one to my partner, as he is to me. Coming in last behind a child and a mother is tough going.

Back in December, I tried that. I tried to tell her "I think we need a break, let me go back to the city and get a car and money so I can be of more use here." She nearly had a breakdown. Hyperventilating, throwing stuff across the garage, veiled threats that she would harm herself and others. Even after I explained to her that I would return, the same stuff. "You're not going to come back!" "You're better off without me!" Obviously this plays a huge part in my current reluctance to end this relationship.

You tried to tell her? You tried? That word conveys that you needed to get her permission or agreement to what you were trying. And her reaction to your attempt was probably her feelings but it was also a very dramatic way to make you feel very badly and very responsible for 'trying' to leave. Forgive me for saying this but she has her own ways of controlling you.

Recently, she's been highlighting the fact that she knows we won't be together forever, and saying stuff like "I'm showing you what real love is. Later in life you'll be able to know if someone truly loves you." "You're going to want to have a family later in life." It's an obvious fact, but it's not something that I need to be told when I'm cuddling with her.

From my perspective, I don't think she'd modeling for you how someone would truly love you. Not at all. I don't doubt she 'loves' you, but her idea of love isn't very free or mature or independent adult-like. I get the impression she's older than you, and you've said she was once your boss, and now she's playing the role of 'initiator into real love". Hmmmm. That's all I can say. Hmmmm.

I don't want to feel responsible if she does something reckless because I ended this
.[/quote]
You wouldn't be responsible. Although, with the confusing nature of your relationship, I'm sure that she wants you to feel responsible for her emotions, and you easily DO feel responsible. You say her husband used to guilt her into things... what do you think she is doing to you?

Just giving you some food for thought....
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby mata_hari » Thu Jun 18, 2009 11:04 pm

You’ve already received some great advice, but I wanted to throw something out there. I’m a believer in that it takes two to tango. You’re girlfriend doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a relationship. She has a lot of issues to work out. However, you made the choice to move there and it’s your choice that you’re still there now. I know we don’t choose who we fall in love with, but sometimes we have to accept that love is most definitely not enough.

I understand that you don’t want to hurt your girlfriend’s feelings. It’s hard to end a relationship with someone who reacts so emotionally and will hyperventilate at the idea. I assure you that she will survive and she will move on. She might act like the world is coming to an end. She might even feel that way for a long time. However, she managed without you before. She will do it again.
I’m not saying this is the case, but do you think you might have an issue with damaged women? You went above and beyond to help this girl. Even now, despite the fact that neither of you are happy, you feel a need to stay to help her. It might be something to consider.
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Re: I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

Postby TheOtherLight » Mon Jun 29, 2009 5:16 pm

Well, last week, I tried to end it again. The response was almost identical, only this time she kept telling me to call my parents and be out by the next day. Of course, like the weak coward I am, I decided to stay with her. Now I've had to endure her guilt trips, culminating last night with her sobbing her eyes out asking why she's such a bad person.

She's made it pretty goddamn apparent that she has no regard for my feelings about her drinking or the divorce stuff. She continues to feel obligated to speak to her husband on an almost daily basis. She even called the cable company to have them set up his cable at the place he just bought in our area recently (with proceeds he made from selling her mother's house, which my girlfriend had paid the bills for for the 8 years his fat lazy stupid brain damaged ass was delivering pizzas under the table for his son's friend). Oh, and he's generously offered to buy her a car with the money, so long as it isn't more than $1,500. Well aren't you a ######6 saint? Giving her $1,500 of HER money. Why is it that great people like Michael Jackson and Billy Mays die but wastes of oxygen like this pathetic piece of $#%^ and his drug-dealing son continue to befoul the earth? DIVORCE THIS FAT WORTHLESS ###$ AND BE DONE WITH IT. In July it will have been a YEAR since she left him. ONE ######6 YEAR, and she still can't cut that obsessive stupid ###$ loose.

I love my girlfriend, but I hate her. I despise her. I'm sick of this drama. I'm sick of being afraid to leave. I'm sick of being with someone yet still lonely. I'm sick of being "secretive" with this $#%^. I'm sick of being belittled for my computer usage.
"The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization."
-- Robert A. Wilson
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