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Do I love her or don't I?!

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Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby eupdand2 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:39 pm

Can't work out whether I love her or not...

One minute she is my world, I love her so much. I want to rid myself of irrational worries, paranoia, jealousy and possessiveness. So we can have a wonderful future together.

Then the next I get irritated by her and think that it was just infatuation from the start. I got it wrong, I didn't fall in love with her. I think we're not right for one another, that maybe parts of her personality aren't for me.

Hate being like this, feel guilty, feel emotional, feel concerned about the future. Total wreck.

Is it me, is it her? Or just a combination of both?

I don't know what to do or think. Just a mess and wish someone would give me some insight into what is happening to me...
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby xdude » Sun Sep 10, 2017 10:22 am

Hey eupdand2,

eupdand2 wrote:Is it me, is it her? Or just a combination of both?


Could be both.

Ambivalence about a relationship is normal enough, but if you write out an example/s of what attracts you, and what leaves you questioning this relationship, others would have something specific to respond too.
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby MaleDenmark » Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:11 am

I agree. It could be both. You could like some part of her and dislike the other. E.g. you like her way of beeing romantic towards you, but you have when she is jealous or keep talking about the same things again and again you have talked about so many times before. A person is both yin and yang. You love the yang part (positive), but you have the yin part (negative). The question is, can you contain her negative side that have that huge impact on you?
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby eupdand2 » Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:04 am

Thanks for your replies both of you.

Yes, I guess what I'm feeling is some days I will absolutely adore her. I fell in love with her at first sight, really was very instant for me. We became friends and a few months down the line, she fell head over heels for me too.

I was sure at first it was just infatuation, as I've experienced many times before. But there was a marked difference here, in that i was putting her first, as a friend (she was in another relationship at the time) and I had no reason to believe really that she had any feelings for me until she told me about them. So as far as I was concerned, she loved this other guy (even though I had my doubts on this, which were proved correct later!- another story)

But after lots of issues between us over the past few months or so, I'm at a cross roads in that I find her 'tomboy' side irritating. When she's sweet, homely and romantic etc I absolutely love it. Couldn't ask for more. But I just don't like it now when she acts like a guy or talks like a guy!

Not sure what's happened here. Maybe cause I don't like her hanging out with other guys, perhaps that adds to my dislike of her acting in that manor.

It's very frustrating and disheartening. I feel very distressed with it all. Have I passed the 'honeymoon' period, could it be that I've fallen out of love with her already after over a year together, could it be the issues we've had or is it purely my own problems with jealousy, possessiveness, paranoid and low self-esteem? Could it be my EUPD?
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby xdude » Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:48 am

I think the main thing is just to start with you feel how you feel, accept that, because that is who you are. Then question if you can make some adjustments.

Some of it could be insecurity on your end, but I've also been through the 'today I'm a Tomboy' thing.

The key thing I explained to my ?ex? is that being a male is not a choice, it's not a role we get to step in and out of like a set of clothes to try on that day. To be a real male means to grow up with it from day one, and it never ends. There is no socially approved option to be male some days, or some hours.

It's somewhat like pretending to be blind for an hour, to see how the other half lives, except that those who are really blind know they cannot take off the mask. If she is switching roles because she can, that is still not the same thing as living the male role.

I know for my ?ex? she liked to play the Tomboy, but she was also very critical of me being overly emotional, despite all speeches to the contrary. I'm 99% sure had if I had shown up in a dress, make-up, only had female friends, she'd have not been okay with it. It's fair enough then if your issue with her is she switches female/male roles on a whim.
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby eupdand2 » Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:36 pm

That's an interesting point of view and to hear your experience of it there.

I understand what you say about accepting how I feel. I tend not to trust how I feel because of my diagnosis but also because it's led me down the garden path a bit in my life getting things wrong.

Perhaps that's a crucial thing there that I need to address. To accept my feelings and to trust myself.

With regards to my girlfriend and her tomboy nature, she's grown up around men. Her Dad brought her up, she looks up to her older brother a lot and any female influences in her life have mainly let her down. Her Mum wasn't around much for her and missed much of her life. Her older sister has mental health problems and essentially bullied her from what I understand for most of her life until she finally cut her out.

That would explain a lot of this tomboy nature I think, it's not something she has only recently adopted but something I guess she has grown up with.

Perhaps for me, it was appealing to begin with, I don't know. The part I fell for deeply was the sweet side and the side I feel is the real her? It feels wrong though that I'm not simply accepting her completely, tomboy side and all...

Maybe because of my own insecurities, I feel I need a complete 'female' nature in front of me, so that I can be the 'alpha male protector' sort for her?! I struggled a lot with being bullied growing up, I wasn't an alpha male, never had girlfriends, always the bridesmaid, never the bride' ha! Actually no that would have been an honour for me, I would have been the guy at the back of the church looking in!
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby xdude » Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:27 pm

Good insights!

Figuring out what you need matters too. You are in introspective type, but question, is she?

Some just aren't. For introspective types, nothing is more frustrating than a partner who cannot or will not.
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby MaleDenmark » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:36 pm

"It's very frustrating and disheartening. I feel very distressed with it all. Have I passed the 'honeymoon' period, could it be that I've fallen out of love with her already after over a year together, could it be the issues we've had or is it purely my own problems with jealousy, possessiveness, paranoid and low self-esteem?"

Possessiveness and lose of control. You cant control how she act around other guys even if you really want to. You cant control how she act around you either. And IF you could control it, life would be very boring, trust me on this one. So accept her as she is, but tell her about your feelings and what irritates you. If she is a nice girl, she will understand and you find a solution together. If she dont understand, accept her as she is, and if you cant live with that, then yes, you can find an other girlfriend, but what are the chances that you dont meet the same type of girl again because it was proberbly all about you in the beginning? Self-esteem? Very good question. But even if you have great self-esteem and can accept a lot of things in the world and still be happy inside, we only know the top of the inceberg of your story, because if she is seeking for attention 24/7 from you and other guys, then even with 10/10 self esteem, our nerves can be stretched so far that its not worth it any longer.

Try this:
Go out in nature, find a place where you dont meet any person for 12 hours. Take some food with you. Just sit down and listen to the wind, the water, the forrest. Then listen to your thoughts. After 12 hours in completely silence you will either become completely insane and start checking your phone for stuff because you are so bored OR you will feel what it is all about, your loss of control or her - a person you should not be with, because she dont respect you by satisfying her ego with other guys all the time. Only you know the answer, we dont, but if you try to be alone with nature, you will find the answer :-)
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Re: Do I love her or don't I?!

Postby xdude » Wed Sep 13, 2017 1:12 pm

eupdand2 wrote:...
Perhaps for me, it was appealing to begin with, I don't know. The part I fell for deeply was the sweet side and the side I feel is the real her? It feels wrong though that I'm not simply accepting her completely, tomboy side and all...

Maybe because of my own insecurities, I feel I need a complete 'female' nature in front of me, so that I can be the 'alpha male protector' sort for her?! I struggled a lot with being bullied growing up, I wasn't an alpha male, never had girlfriends, always the bridesmaid, never the bride' ha! Actually no that would have been an honour for me, I would have been the guy at the back of the church looking in!


So there really is no right/wrong, sure you know that on some level.

Take a look at this sentence 'It feels wrong though that I'm not simply accepting her completely, tomboy side and all... '

Fair enough, but that goes both ways, and most important of all, if you are not accepting you as-is, you won't end up happy if:

a.) You really cannot accept her completely, and...
b.) You deny your own nature to try to do so (i.e., you cannot accept yourself completely).

It's fair enough to try and come to some compromise, but if it's just you feeling like you are having to make the adjustments, and she has no interest in doing the same, eventually it's going to catch up with you. Resentment, bitterness, anger, and more.

As to the comment about what you need...

Not that I'm a big fan of Tony Robbins, but it's was interesting to watch a documentary. He is definitely of the belief 'Men, you were meant to be a lion, not her cub, or supportive father type, in your relationships.' A lot of males can relate to feeling something is amiss, and that they've lost touch with their primal nature in their relationships. Something to think about.

Have you spoken to her about this?
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