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Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

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Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby believe71116 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 4:24 am

Hi - I would be very thankful to anyone who could give me advice here. I have been "dating" a man I care for very much for nearly 7 months. Throughout the course of this "relationship" his behavior has been bizarre at times and I have been doing research and think he may be struggling with Avoidance issues.

It's a very long story, but essentially he's been playing a game of what I think is "push/pull" since our first date. The first date was wonderful. He kissed me, asked me out again that night...followed up texting for hours that same night saying how excited he was to see me again... but from there I had to take control. We had a beautiful second date that I initiated and we were intimate (physically). We spent the whole day together and it was truly just a beautiful day. From there, he avoided me. He does have a very busy job (odd hours) but he was always busy. The casual talking and flirting ensued for a number of weeks -- with him taking several days in between responding, etc. I accidentally left an item at his house and after a month or so of this behavior I pressed to get the item from him. He canceled on me the first time we were supposed to meet to get it and finally I went back to his house to get it. He was friendly, but distant, and very much didn't seem to be trying to be close at all while I was there. I thought it was over. About two weeks later he texted me apologizing. I said I accepted it, but it never really moved forward. We spoke off and on with casual convo (that I initiated) after that about friendly things like sports, work, etc. but one day he stopped responding. I took it that he wasn't interested and moved on.

About 6 weeks later he reappeared... asking why I never called and asking if i didn't like him or think he was good looking. I was so confused. Of course I responded positively and we had very open honest conversation for a number of weeks. He told me about his issues (he pushes people away or finds a problem with them, he's selfish, he always needs all the attention) and I was very open. He just can never find time to see me. It came to a head when I was coming to see him and he stopped responding to me. I turned around and sent him a message asking what happened. A week later he again apologized saying how sorry he was and he fell asleep (Again, the crazy work schedule thing) and how he's just so wrapped up in work right now and he hopes I can forgive him but understands if I don't want to talk to him again. I did not respond to him that evening but did the next day and asked him to call me back. He didn't. I initially started back up casual / non confrontational convo off and on and he's responded until recently when he didn't. The last conversation we had was very positive. He mentioned wanting to see me and potentially setting up plans for the following weekend. But then nothing...

Please help. How do I let him know (if I haven't already) that I understand him and want to be with him despite his flaws? Or do you think he has no interest in continuing?
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Re: Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby believe71116 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:01 pm

Is anyone able to help me or provide insight here? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
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Re: Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby Echinacea » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:32 pm

Hi and welcome
I have to say in my own experience i see many things that remind me of my last relationship (long story sort) communication is very important and if you have to initiate all then its ofc there could be some issues ..it might not need a diagnosis, 7 months is in some way not a long time to learn about each other ;)

learn things about him, his likes/dislikes, intimate issues (if any)
i will PM you with something also that i want to ask you in regards to intimacy issues as i found out about my ex's issue that has helped me so much too understand that i never realized before. not all relationships are "clear cut" ..just many people dont dare to admit stuff

I think in life that communication is so important and you must learn from each other ;)
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Re: Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby BeanneLily » Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:18 am

I fell like the intimacy issues kick in after intimacy has been experienced. This seems a little different. If you guys have not had much intimacy including sex then are you sure you know this guy? Would he seem confident or concerned with ego at all? For instance could he be involved with more than one person atm. Another way to look at it is through his friends. To gauge how often he needs company/alone time. Just some clues to too assess if what he says and does add up. Avoidants can keep people on a string but also arms length whilst pursuing or thinking about exiting something else. The tend to need the attention more when they have set backs and can do without it when things are being fulfilled elsewhere. I know it sounds cruel but that is their way.
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Re: Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby sunshineNrainbows » Fri Dec 09, 2016 3:10 am

I think there's a way of finding out if he's interested. If it happens again, which it seems it might, tell him how you feel - that you want to be with him but his distancing also bothers you. If he apologizes, remind him you want to be with him and don't accept the apology. Tell him you want action - not words. If he's not given a reason to change and be more considerate to what you want and feel, he might not change.
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Re: Push/Pull - Is it Avoidance?

Postby believe71116 » Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:40 pm

He could be involved with someone else, I don't know. I know that he has shared a lot with me about who he is and the issues he has (i.e. Pushing people away) and what he eventually wants (marriage, children). We've also just been open about our feelings. To me, that is intimacy even if it isn't physical. After he messed up again and apologized and I showed him I was still there that's when he's been quieter. I don't know if this scares him? Like I accept who he is when maybe others haven't?

I dont know, very confusing, and very odd that both episodes have followed the same pattern:very close and overflowing emotion, slight pull away, major mistake, apology, further pull away.

-- Fri Dec 09, 2016 8:43 am --

Also he appears to have a huge ego. Loves to talk about himself and his accomplishments.

Is he likely to come back on his own?

-- Fri Dec 09, 2016 8:45 am --

And sorry just to add on to the ego bit, he is that way outwardly but we've had a lot of conversation about how all that is an act and how deep down he's so soft and vulnerable it scares him.
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