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Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

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Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby ladywerebadger » Tue Feb 09, 2016 10:37 am

Hi, I am writing this here as I need to get this all out, and I really dont know what to do. Its very long Im afraid. But here goes.

I am a mother in my mid 30s who was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 25 after years of problems. I sometimes wonder about the diagnosis, as I suffered from physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child, and I think sometimes it may be PTSD. My current problem stems from the fact that I have repeatedly sought out abusive relationships, but this last one was the worst.

I met J travelling. I had a few months before finalised my divorce from my alcoholic ex husband, and was enjoying some time in the sun for 4 months(my child was at that point living with her father, a different man). I used to go to the same bar each night, and he would always dance close to me, but never seemed to have the courage to speak to me. Eventually aftera few days, I approached him and started a conversation. We hit it off immediately, had the same likes, dislikes, everything. We went for a walk on the beach and he lost his new phone, but said he didnt care about finding it because he wanted to be with me. I felt so good, so alive. We very quickly entered into a relationship. Within a week we had moved in together (we said it was to save money not paying rent on 2 places) in a shared place with my best friend. But a month in I was woken by her telling me she was very sorry, but I had to leave because she couldnt live with him any more. He apparently just started screaming at her for no reason in the middle of the night, and she is a strong woman who doesnt take that sort of thing. Alarm bells should have gone off at that point, but I already felt that I loved him, so we moved out to a place on our own. We spent another month or so there and I was due to go home to my country, but he persuadedme to go back to his country with him instead (we had been together 2 months at this point). I agreed and I flew to his country and we found a place to live together. I got a job, but he didnt. He said that it was just a lull and that he would get one soon. He blamed depression, social anxiety... he says he was emotionally scarred from his "psycho exs"... and meanwhile I worked, paid the rent and the bills etc. He started drinking a lot, accusing me of cheating on him etc. I then made a big mistake. I was angry at him and responded in a message to an ex in a very innapropriate way, but I didnt know he saw it. We kept on arguing, with him keep leaving and then coming back again. Eventually we decided that was we needed was to get away from it all, so we made a spur of the moment decision to go travelling to India for 6 months. I paid for the tickets and we gave up our apartment and I put my career on hold. When we had been in India just a few weeks, he told me he had seen the message I sent my ex. He pushed me off the motorbike and abandoned me miles from our place. I had to walk home in the dark, on my own, in India. Eventually we discussed it and he said he forgave me. But then he went out one night and came back in the early hours of the morning, and called me by another girls name. I saw he had become friends with this girl on facebook that night, so I sent her a message asking who she was. She agreed to meet me and I actually got on very well with her, and was completely satisfied that nothing had happened. We started hanging out together as a group, and one night we went to a club. J said he was going to the bar to get a drink, and told me not to move from where I was. Me and this girl stayed exactly put, but when he came back, J accused me of moving 10 meters. He started screaming at me in front of every one, until I was on the floor crying. He then stormed off and eventually I went to go home. I met him along the way and he started shouting at me again, and then he pushed me over into some rocks. I was scared and so ran. When I went back again he was talking to 2 police officers, I think somebody called them. He said "there she is, dont believe anything she says, she bipolar and crazy". The police told us to go home and sort it out between ourselves. But when we got home we argued more, and then he punched me so hard in the face he knocked me unconscious. It was the first time he actually hit me. When I came to in a puddle of blood, he started to kick at me, then grabbed me by my hair, dragged me across the floor and threw me outside. I ran into thevillage, crying, bruised and bleeding, but nobody would help me as they didnt want to get involved. Eventually an Indian girl found me, and took me back to hers. Her husband said he would take me to the police. He did and they arrested J.I was sent for a medical examination, I had a broken nose and multiple bruises. But when I came back from the medical, the police started to try and convince me not to prosecute. They told me what would happen to him in Indian jail, and eventually I relented. They released him and we left together. He said he was so sorry, he didnt know what came over him, and it would never happen again. Apart from a few arguments, everything was fine then for 5 months. But then one night he was putting me down at a party, calling me crazy and saying I was cheating on him. I left to avoid a fight, went home and locked the door. He followed me, broke a window and kicked the door in. He dragged me off the bed and hit me in the face again, again breaking my nose and then threw me into a table lacerating my leg. I managed to escape and went to find a phone to call the police. They told me I must have done something to anger him, and to go back and apologise. Instead I went back to the party and the people there let me stay. The next day 4 guys there said they were going to find J to "teach him a lesson". I begged them not to and said I would sort it myself. Instead I found him, told him these guys were after him and he convinced me to pack my bags and leave the city within the hour.

We returned home about a month later. I hoped this bad behaviour would stay in India, thought maybe he did it there because he knew he could get away with it there. I know how stupid that sounds. We were back 3 weeks before he hit me again, while we were staying at his parents. I got very depressed. But eventually I gathered myself and we got a new apartment and I returned to work. He continued to be unemployed, not even looking for work. Again I paid the rent, bills, food... We had been in the new apartment 1 day and he hit me again. Again, it was because apparently I was cheating on him. I threw him out and lockedmyself inside with the door barracaded for 2 days. Eventually I started to feel safer as he had not come back, and so unbarricaded the door. A day later he came back at 4am and started screaming at me while I was in bed. He then decided he was hungry, and started to make himself a pizza. I told him he couldnt, he had to leave, then he grabbed my hair, dragged me to the bedroom, pinned me down on the bed and slapped me before calmly getting up and continuing to make his dinner. I called the police and immediately after I hung up he hit me again. I ran outside to wait for them and when they got there he was calmly sitting on the sofa and just asked them if "there was a problem". They made him leave, but they didnt press charges. He went to stay with a friend. A few weeks later I get a call from him wanting to meet up, and stupidly I agree. He tells me he has been so upset about the break up that he has been taking heroin. He says he needs to sort out his life but he cant do so on his friends sofa with no money and can he come home. He promises to get psychological help, get a job. I make him see a doctor. He brings back the report and in it it said "patient is incredibly stressed as he is living with his partner who is bipolar" and they prescribed HIM valium!! A month passes, he is really playing the push-pull thing with me now. One minute he says how much he loves me, he cant live without me, the next he hates me and I am the cause of all his problems. I then get some amazing news - I got full custody back for my child. We are really excited and start looking for bigger apartments. But before we find one, he hits me again, and I ask him to leave. I look for an apartment on my own, find one, sign the tenancy and move in. He starts saying how much he loves me again, he can change, and I let him move in. He puts himself on the tenancy agreement. He has been there for 2 days when I find out my grandmother had died. I have to fly home for the funeral. While I am there, he spends the whole time partying and taking drugs. When I come back he is like a different person. He makes excuses to go out all the time, becomes surgically attached to his phone. My child then comes to live with us. I hope that it will be enough to keep him in, but he keeps disappearing for longer and longer periods. He is getting messages in the middle of the night from a girl, keeps not answering phone calls in front of me and going to the toilet to call back. He changes all his passwords and lock screen on his phone. He starts picking fights with me all the time to give him an excuse to storm off. His drinking is escalating to 4 nights a week, coming home at 7am and saying he doesnt remember where he was or what he done. Rather than confronting him, I feel I must not be loving him enough, so I try harder, work harder, cook, clean, praise him, cuddle and touch him to reassure him how much I love him and why he needs ME. Then last Saturday we get a sitter and go out together as a couple for the first time in about 3 months. Everything is fine, but then the girl who I have my suspicions about turns up. He immediately starts criticisng me in front of her, saying that I am making a fool of myself in front of her. He then tries to get security to have me thrown out so he can stay behind without me! They dont buy his stories and tell him to leave instead. I leave with him. On the way home we argue, he says I am stupid and was flirting with his friend! We get home and the argument escalates, and I outright say to him I truly believe he is cheating. He pushes me and I slap him. By this time my child (who is 12) has woken up and come out to see whats going on. He lays into me, punching me, throwing me around. My child is screaming that it is domestic abuse and tries to pull him off of me, but he keeps on going. Eventually he stops hitting me and goes into the kitchen, shouting abuse. He keeps trying to come back into the living room but my daughter blocks the door. The worst thing is, the sitter, a man in his late 30s and a friend of Js is there the whole time, and he does nothing... just starts cleaning! I call the police and they arrive. They take J into a room to speak to him, my daughter into another and I wait in the living room. After they have spoken to him they interview me, but he is listening at the door and keeps barging in saying stuff in his native language which I do not understand. They keep telling him to stop, but he keeps going. Eventually he is arrested. The police take him away. When they come back they tell me they think he is a psychopath. They say even in the cell he is blaming me for him hitting me, and refuses to accept that it was wrong. They tell me that as my daughter was involved, and they think he is dangerous, child services will be getting involved, and I have to choose between keeping my daughter and him. They also say that as my daughter was involved they will prosecute without my agreement and the sentence will be harsher.

That was 3 days ago. On Sunday I get angry and send the girl I thought he was cheating on me with a message, telling her "I hope you are happy with yourself". He turns up at home and calmly starts to pack his things. I tell him he cant be here, and he is not allowed near us, but he says its ok, the police said he can come. I tell him I messaged the girl and he shouts at me. He apologises to my daughter for what happened the night before, but not me, and leaves. I recieve a call from the police that night and tell them he came, they say he didnt have permission and was told to stay away from me. I then get a message from J saying he has spoken to child services, told them it was all his fault and I am a great mom. That he had "fixed it" for me. We end up messaging, I know we shouldnt. He takes me on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. I end up saying how much I still love him and my heart is breaking. The next day he calls again. He starts telling me about his dad who is sick, to pull me in. He then says that the first person he went to see after he came here was the girl. He says he told her about the message, she then read it, and thinks Im a psycho. He then says if I wasnt so jealous, he wouldnt have hit me. He then hangs up on me. I try to call back but his phone is off. I am furious, I cant see for tears so I send him some very shouty messages. This is at 6pm yesterday. At 1am this morning he calls me. Apologises, says his phone ran out of battery. Says he doesnt think it was my fault and he never said that. He tells me how much he loves me, that nothing is happening with this girl, but that he is leaving for his parents at 8am. He persuades me to meet with him outside the house before he goes. He gets ME to apoligise to HIM, and mean it, and I end up suggesting we should all run away together. He tells me not to be stupid, and he will see me tomorrow to say goodbye. I dont sleep all night. I wait for him, to see him before he leaves. He comes online, but does not send me any messages. I wait some more. At 8.10am he comes online again and I ask him where he is. He says on the bus. I ask him why he didnt meet me and he says he didnt think I wanted to see him. I told him I said I would the night before, and he then immediately changes his story, saying he didnt have time to meet me because he had left his bank card around a friends house. But the name of this friend he apparently stayed with is a different one to who he told me he was staying with the night before (these friends of his are a couple who dont live together - last night he said he was at his, this morning he says he was at hers). In one 5 minute conversation he lies and changes his stories about inconsequential things 5 times. It feels like he is deliberately trying to confuse me.

I am so messed up about this. I know what I have to do for my child, and I will do it. I cant lose her, no matter what stupid stuff comes out of my mouth. My problem is, I am now a single mother in a foreign country, entitled to no benefits. I am off work because of the injuries I sustained on Saturday, and I get no sick pay. And I know he still has so much control over me. The fact he can move me from anger to me apologising to him so quickly is proof of that. I have no support network, there is nobody to talk to. Mychild is at school and I am just sat here alone. I cant speak to friends because they have heard it all so many times before they just dont want to hear about him any more. I have to wait a few more days before I get to speak to the domestic violence team. I miss him so much, I love him so much but I hate him so much too. He is now heading 600km away and I feel like my heart is being torn in two, and he knows that and feeds off it. I think this is why he didnt come to say "goodbye" like he said he would. Please somebody, how do I unbrainwash myself? How do I stop loving him and move on?
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby Ada » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:10 pm

Oh my goodness. What a roller coaster. So intense. Yes, that's so very hard to put behind you.

I don't know if it helps. But I believe personally. That it is possible to love someone. But NOT to be with them. So you don't need to stop loving him or caring about him. Maybe that might keep things simpler for the moment. Super difficult, but I'd recommend No Contact. Don't talk to him online. No phone or text. Definitely not in person. This isn't about him and his stories and that he may or may not be travelling away. This is about you and your daughter and your sanity. There's nothing he can say at this point to make things better. Since you do care about him, don't give him the opportunity to make it worse, either. This might be the hardest thing you ever do in your life.

And maybe the most important too. Your daughter is taking notes. "This is what is OK in a relationship. This is what is OK to do if someone abuses me. This is what is OK if someone abuses my own child." You can't tell her the situation is messed up. You need to show her it. He gets no time, no attention, no money. He's responsible for himself. You're responsible for your daughter. Don't let him weasel around you. Don't try and make sense of his stories. Don't listen.


In practical terms. Does the Domestic Violence team have a helpline you can call for support? Or is there a national one available? Do they organise any peer support group meetings? Is there any sort of "Citizens Advice" service that you can contact. To find out about child benefits. [Maybe your daughter is eligible even though you aren't?] Are you in touch with any of your family? Can you get in touch with friends if you avoid mentioning him? [That's kinda weird to do. But it seems like you have a lot else to talk about!]

And impractical terms. :D What do you love to do? Some hobby or pastime that doesn't involve / remind you of him? Is that something you can indulge in a little? Something to help you shift your focus. If you're spending a lot of time thinking about the situation. That's understandable. But also hard to do that moving on. Being involved in something else might help with perspective. That this is NOT how the rest of your life is going to be. That you are in control now. And that you do not have to apologise for anything.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby realityhere » Wed Feb 10, 2016 1:00 am

The violence and the lies that this man has perpetuated in this relationship is staggering. Yet you keep coming back to him.

I agree with Ada that you need to ask yourself what kind of message is your relationship with this man sending to your child. That it's ok to be a doormat?

Perhaps the reason that friends have stopped listening is because you don't believe in yourself enough to stop being this doormat/ victim, that they have seen you get used over and over, and it's also hard to watch when they see you messed up with a broken nose, black eyes, badly bruised repeatedly...broken. YOU didn't cause this violence, abuse, and manipulation-- HE did all this, and there is.no.excuse, none, for this kind of behavior. Which is why you have no reason to be apologizing to him. When a person displays violent behavior once, it is indicative of how he treats his lover later in the relationship. Ditto when you apologized once for "causing" his violent behavior, you repeated apologies again and again later in the relationship. And the cycle becomes a vicious circle. You fear being abandoned.

If you are serious about healing yourself and moving on, then do the serious work it takes to love yourself first. Start by asking for help from a counselor with this Domestic Violence unit, and try to find a way to return with your daughter back home to your country. Take No Contact seriously.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby ladywerebadger » Wed Feb 10, 2016 12:53 pm

Thank you both for your replies. I saw a counsellor at the domestic violence center today, and they feel I have Stockholm Sydrome and referred me for further therapy.

As much as I know I should strictly enforce no contact, I currently seem unable to. I have however started keeping a journal of the contact, with times and what was said. I know this doesnt seem like much and I should just not answer his calls or messages, but by writing down the conversations I canlook back on them when I have calmed down and not be left feeling so confused. Seeing it written, I can see there are some thinly-veiled threats disguised as concern. For example, we spoke today about a financial matter (I last night recieved notification from my landlordthat if his half of the rent is not paid immediately, my daughter and I will be evicted). He ends up saying he doesnt care that he is being prosecuted, it was all my fault for being jealous and he did nothing wrong, before hanging up. 8 minutes later he calls back. He said he didnt mean it like that, he knows his reaction was wrong but I have to see that my jealousy made him angry, and while he should have walked away he didnt and it wouldnt have happened if I didnt get so angry at him. He then says he needs to warn me that he told the police I have issues with anger, and there was no need for us to make this messy in court as it might look bad on me. He then tries to persuade me not to go to therapy, he says I dont need it as I am "strong enough to deal with it on my own" and a therapist does not know what the relationship is really like anyway. Just before the end of the conversation, he says - "just so I know" - that he got his friend who witnessed the last incident to tell the police that he was originally just trying to "calm me down".

This conversation obviously left me upset and confused, but I wrote it all down and then went back and added notes. I noted that there was continued attempts of justification on his part. There was 2 attempts at trying to scare me out of giving evidence ("it might look bad on me" and the threat that his friend would back him up in court). And 1 attempt at maintaining control by trying to persuade me not to seek the help that would eventually break that control. I can see that for as calm as he sounded, and as much as he made out he was just "doing me a favour" by telling me these things, he is actually feeling like his back is against the wall, and he is scared of punishment and scared of losing his control over me. It will take me some time, I know. And I know I should just not answer the phone, I should not react and I should stop loving him. But this is at least a start.

On the positive side, my daughter and I were given a spur-of-the-moment offer of a paid for 2 week holiday in the sun. We leave tomorrow. It will get us both out of this stressful situation and give me some much needed breathing space away from him.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby realityhere » Wed Feb 10, 2016 9:28 pm

ladywerebadger,

Please do yourself a favor and keep your sanity by changing your phone number and cutting off all contact with this man.

Have you initiated a restraining order against him? The physical assaults alone are enough evidence to file for a restraining order, if it's possible in the country you're in. Yes, he is violent, keep telling yourself that, and his toxic behavior is NOT something you caused. His mind games are NOT something you caused.

Keep in mind the three "C's"-- you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it, whatever it is that this man has revealed himself to be because it seems to be an inherent flaw in his psyche. You had nothing to do with why he is the way he is, it was in the making long before you two met.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby ladywerebadger » Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:14 pm

I know this sound like the bleatings of the most brainwashed absued person, but I am not ready for the consequences of a restraining order. I need serious therapy to be able to break off my emotional need from him. I am absolutely incapable of not loving him right now. As I type this my brain tells me just how WRONG that is. But the last thing i wrote in my journal was "I miss feeling like dying in his arms - hugging myself just doesnt work".

I know I have problems. I seriously need help to deal with them but I cant seem to get any.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby realityhere » Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:14 am

"I miss feeling like dying in his arms - hugging myself just doesnt work".

Based on the info you have posted about your lover, it is apparent that he is disordered, whatever that disorder is, is for the doctor to diagnose, nobody can do that here on this forum. However, there's enough info here for some of us to know from hard-learned experience that the manipulation, lies, and violence indicate something very wrong and are very toxic elements to any relationship.

What is more relevant here is to realize that there is always a synergy in a relationship with a disordered person. There was something about him that attracted you to him, and likewise something about you that attracted him-- not only the physical, sexual component-- that goes back to the way you were raised as a child and to the way he was raised as a child. In other words, your past needs and wants come back to haunt you in future relationships, if you're not aware of the dynamics in your family of origin and how they figure in your present situation.

Give some serious thought about this, because your daughter is watching you, just as you watched your parents/ caregivers when you were a child. Loving yourself is not about "hugging yourself", it's much more than that.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby ladywerebadger » Thu Feb 11, 2016 2:43 pm

I am trying, one day at a time. Today I went to see a doctor about the nerve damage caused to my hand, and to talk more about therapy. They have referred me now, and I start a few weeks after I return from my trip.

I have spoken to him again today :oops: I noticed how he seems very emotionally detatched from the whole situation. The words are there, but there appears to be no feeling behind them. This will all sink in. The next fortnight away with my daughter will really give me the space I need.
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Re: Struggling with continued manipulation from abusive partner

Postby Ada » Thu Feb 11, 2016 8:36 pm

Nothing you've posted seems to me anything like bleatings. And you used the word "stupid" often in your original post. That's not true either. You have someone thoroughly abusive in your life. You don't need to do it to yourself. ;) Hugs to you, if wanted. :)

Please be gentle with yourself through this. If it were easy to sort out, you'd've done it already. You've taken some major steps in looking for therapy and DV support. You are going to get through this. I'm glad you're away for a couple of weeks, too. Perhaps you could try to "forget" to pack your phone charger? :twisted: 8)
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