Our partner

A narcissists point of view

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderator: Otter

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby karmicseed » Thu Feb 18, 2016 2:48 pm

How did you become aware? Another thing he said was that because he tried but was not able to develop feelings of love for me then he was not able to fall in love with anyone, and he was done trying to have a romantic relationship in the future. A couple of other thoughts that may shed light. Looking back, I recall several instances when he had a melt down over comments I made that pointed out narc traits. At the time I didn't even realize it. One example was when I said "it's never going to happen" (about whether I should keep waiting for him to love me). Another was when we were arguing because I told him my feelings were hurt by something he said. To end the argument, I said "you're always right, I'm always wrong." Both of these times, he went into silent treatment the next day or two and then wanted to end our relationship. I would really like to know if he is aware. But at the same time, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm not even sure if we will talk again. He is not contacting me right now. If he does contact me, I would like to handle things the right way, as a friend. I just don't fully understand what goes on inside his head!!!
karmicseed
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2016 3:25 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 4:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby KingPing » Fri Feb 19, 2016 4:17 pm

Me becoming aware was a "complex" process. I finally got it when I watched some of Sam Vaknin's videos on YouTube and realized that his descriptions fit me very well. After some more research I was aware. Hmmm I have no real advice for you on how to handle your narc :D. Maybe you shoul ask this in the NPD part of this forum - the other narcs are very helpfull and sure be happy to share some insight ;).
There is nothing more humane than the will to survive.
KingPing
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 188
Joined: Sat Jan 02, 2016 1:28 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 10:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Miss cw » Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:49 pm

Hi. I would like to ask about the narc rages...they are very hard to be on the receiving end of it makes a normal persons blood boil to be spoken to in such a way.its confusing and upsetting and appear utterly random.a normal person would never make such heavy weather about the kind of things a narcissist does.I'm wondering what kinds of reactions you have had when you have done this.has anyone ever slapped your face for example? Or similar? Just to get you to stop being so abusive? Did it bring you up short ? Or did you not have a clue why they would have reacted that way? Do you experience the narcissistic injury after such an event? And in what way would that present itself? Silent treatment? And how would you be feeling yourself? I hope you don't mind me asking.I'm very glad you are on the site and willing to talk honestly about this.thank you.
Miss cw
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 8:30 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby KingPing » Mon Apr 18, 2016 9:55 pm

Hi Miss cw,

nobody ever slapped me in the face because of a narc rage. People have left the room though. Or shouted back at me. I am not really abusive though. My words can hurt people obviously - but in such moments it is not really my intention to hurt. I rather have to say things that are bothering me or that have angered me. I think I say them in a harsh way then.

I do know why people react in the way they do as well. It is just like having a (verbal) fight with more intensity to it. Sometimes I say things that I better would not say. But I cant prevent myself from saying it. Sometimes I do know that it would be better to stop talking - but I cant.

I feel ashamed afterwards - and sometimes (depending on the person) I show it. And I try to improve the situation and reach out again after the situation has calmed down. It really depends on the person. If that person is important to me - I try to improve it. If that person is not important for me - well then it could be the last words spoken between us.

Does that answer your question?
There is nothing more humane than the will to survive.
KingPing
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 188
Joined: Sat Jan 02, 2016 1:28 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 10:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Vilified Phoenix » Sat Apr 23, 2016 6:47 pm

KingPing wrote:Hello,

thank you for your answer. Yes I do understand what you say. As a narcissist I often do things in order to try out my limits. I am very sarcastic and try to annoy people or offend them slightly. I camouflage this as my kind of humor - but in reality I just want to test the limits. What do you think. How do people see me in such a situation. Do they think that I am rude - or do they take this as part of my personality. Or other: What effect does it have, if I constantly offend people in a smart way? I have the feeling that this makes me special and different in some way - in their eyes. Male friends hurt each other verbally as a way of expressing their friendship - they say: Uhh you smell like $#%^. And that is funny. But does this work with women too - in some more elaboratet way of couse?! :D



it's one of the first red flags as it's very strange and anti-social. And yes, I've known it was a test upon realizing the NPD... I first saw it with her mom (also NPD) and then her... she was trying out new mask and throwing insults, and not just disguised as a joke, but also so you can insult again with "I was just joking, youre too sensitive" or a synonym... that part doesnt seem to vary among narcs.. just what they insult lol

So i'd say it's somewhat risky, but I'm sure you know better than I that you can recover from it, just as mine did... and hundreds of others as you continue testing lol... and it always seems "off" like the empathy and increasing other behaviors of an NPD. But once you get it... I don't think they can pull that any more-i think that person is NSed all out. As not only do we then see the red flags-but we know what they mean. And thus can bail before too much vampire dust clouds the judgment.

And she threw a few that day I first saw that, and it was over the top, several of them. I was done and took the push at face value. Which of course pulled the narc... I accidentally hooked her by refusing it I think... and that's the irony-narcs ARE attracted to confidence, but with weakness... and then they try to destroy it yet wouldn't get bored if they did... steady NS, so yall arent so smart.. just sayin
Vilified Phoenix
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 152
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2016 2:21 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Miss cw » Sat Apr 23, 2016 6:57 pm

Hi kingpin.
Yes that answer explains a lot thank you.of course I don't think to communicate like that so it's enlightening to have an explanation. Have you heard of Dr.Craig Malkin? He has developed an assessment tool known as the narcissism spectrum scale.it ranges from 0 to 10 with 5 being right where a person needs to be (healthy narcissism) and 9 approaching pathology.my ex partner is at 7.which means exhibiting signs of entitlement and arrogance due to feeling superior to others,a lack of empathy(wow that one SO true) and requiring plenty of attention but always feeling it's never enough.

We dated for 18 months following the cycle of idealisation devaluation,discard.it was like a relationship in reverse.after a year apart we got back together 8 months ago and sadly the whole cycle has just happened all over again.during the d&d phase the argumentative careless approach to the relationship and provoking comments caused me to behave badly myself in the end..so now..game over..this all happened about 8 weeks ago.I sent a text but have heard nothing.I don't want the relation back in the way it was but contact would be nice.this silence is awful.like I am dead to him.he probably is angry about all the sunk costs as you put it and because he's experiencing narc injury or whatever. Any insight on that? Your last post said..could be last words spoken in such a situation..what about hoovering...do you ever do that to exes?
I have a thought for you.regarding a comment you made in a previous post when a colleague made an uncalled for remark instead of telling you a meeting had been postponed.rightly so,it was unnecessary and made you feel awful.that's what it feels like!!! If you had called him up on it there and then he most probably would have said he was just joking.just his humour.don't take things so seriously man! But. You know as does he that he wasn't joking.because jokes make people laugh right?? Wonder if he could be a narc too....?
Miss cw
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 8:30 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby xdude » Sun Apr 24, 2016 12:13 am

Just wanted to add...

Thank you KingPing for sharing your inner self here. That can't be easy to put yourself out there for others to criticize.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 4:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Smelljasmine » Sun Apr 24, 2016 12:29 am

Negative attention is still supply. ^
Smelljasmine
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2238
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:17 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 12:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Vilified Phoenix » Sun Apr 24, 2016 7:33 am

KingPing wrote:Hi Miss cw,

nobody ever slapped me in the face because of a narc rage. People have left the room though. Or shouted back at me. I am not really abusive though. My words can hurt people obviously - but in such moments it is not really my intention to hurt. I rather have to say things that are bothering me or that have angered me. I think I say them in a harsh way then.

I do know why people react in the way they do as well. It is just like having a (verbal) fight with more intensity to it. Sometimes I say things that I better would not say. But I cant prevent myself from saying it. Sometimes I do know that it would be better to stop talking - but I cant.

I feel ashamed afterwards - and sometimes (depending on the person) I show it. And I try to improve the situation and reach out again after the situation has calmed down. It really depends on the person. If that person is important to me - I try to improve it. If that person is not important for me - well then it could be the last words spoken between us.

Does that answer your question?



fits my experience... but in my experience, it wasn't just a little "harsher" but rather things other people well, wouldn't stoop to... just saw one recently and I tore her argument up and she didnt expect that... as I'd always calmly sat and said nothjing for 3 months watching this woman. Anyway, she had no argument yet was posing a big "compassionate hero" post I call it, narc version of concern troll and a bit more clever and hidden... anyway so her arguments trashed-and she reiterates by not defending it once, but instead goes not just for the LOWEST fallacy-ad hom, but so low you dont see people go it was so low. attacked my kids, etc... but we had a non close relationship, so her file on me was pretty weak... anyway that alone exposed a pretty big red flag to everyone, and she left the group in shame. My point is-I've seen people go after kids maybe 3 times in my years on the internet... but it was a narc's first choice of below the belt-to go as low as they could. That's a narc rage, and they DO many irrational things during a narc rage, some of them last a while-withno ST, instead doing bad things, that even they regret later (and then later on do again lol). Like filing divorce in the wrong state thinking "punishment" when it just cost us about $20k, and 3/4 of that to her... that's not efficient, or a win for her.. that's a loss for her-if there must be a winner on that deal, it would be me by narc logic-i came out $10k further ahead, or less behind... so that narc rage didn't add up... but normally more calculating, but when in a narc rage... seems they could last easily a couple weeks if really awful-and frightening things happen during those periods.

But the interesting thing to me-is I agree, such nastiness, is usually saved for someone in or near discard and thus typically INTENDED to be final words as you said. But I don't really understand the people that seem to have no DRAW on their NPD. I mean she had the power as far as spark or whatever... for most of it, but I had much more sexual control for likely closer to the last 4 years , it seemed. But she was always very indecisive from candy bar purchases to me... and as long as I said nothing nasty in response to a narc rage, she'd pull the "nothing strange happened that i recall, how's your day? whatcha cookin?" type of crap... and even if i said nasty narc injury stuff back... she'd still usually be the first to intiate , but frankly she bluffed so much I stopped taking some of it serious.

Likewise, no matter how bad the injury, I feel like I could call her up from a jail she put me in (and she tried so many times... see-scary narc rage games lol) and get "us" back in 15 minutes. I never would now, but I have many times, and usually took much, much less. We definitely had a weird connection that at least sexually was mutually and really I held that power a bit more, at least during the discard and after (for example, after her big discard, within a week or two we did have phone sex several times and FB sex several times and most of these initiated by her (except the first -that's me reconnecting) not long after that I stopped feeling good about myself sleeping with her and rather the opposite, and cut her off-and then real clarity began, and somewhere in there I found NPD and began to have my answers - and not for closure, again I cut it off, but for the crazy questions, like as a co-parent, i had hundreds about her treatment of our children, esp. while fighting-those kinda questions, or "wtf did happen with her family?" etc... and in all cases, I found where I had relied on her for info-it was a lie and usually a nasty one that exploited me...



But I see all these people with no suggestion of any draw on their NPD, like totally powerless-maybe it's a superpower i have from being ubermessedup myself-every bad side can be flipped to a good side (unless you define bad as good... :) But my experience was I could open her door for reinitation as easily as I could to be discarded... like I could turn both knobs, but discard would naturally turn without me regardless lol of course. As even if you get back to idealization... it's a much quicker cycle, instead of a year it lasts a month, two if youre lucky, devaluation 2-3, and a much nastier discard each time... so superpower or not-clearly until i had enough, a degree of masochism... what else could it be on my end? Denial? Superblind Dependency? I dont know, but it's a problem I'ma address before i get close to anything again. And I do pity the next men in her lineup... she learned most of her tricks while with me (i was her first)... so what I got as my worst, is like likely her baseline now, and i bet dudes get falsely put in jail and $#%^ like that. And I wonder how typical that is as I don't see ours was quite the model in relationship, just in her attributes. She even diagnosed herself as such and thought I was BPD (I agree i lean that way, but not "very high" etc. on any test yet, but high enough to go see dx) and even played concerned ie "oh my, do i have a flaw??" but she hooked herself up with a very feminist shrink, and went to a session and this lady is not PD trained, comes out, says "I don't have it." Which at the time, I accepted... about 3 years before I had my own reasons to research and she was right.... like she wrote these descriptions herself.
Vilified Phoenix
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 152
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2016 2:21 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A narcissists point of view

Postby Vilified Phoenix » Sun Apr 24, 2016 7:45 pm

Vilified Phoenix wrote:
KingPing wrote:Hi Miss cw,

nobody ever slapped me in the face because of a narc rage. People have left the room though. Or shouted back at me. I am not really abusive though. My words can hurt people obviously - but in such moments it is not really my intention to hurt. I rather have to say things that are bothering me or that have angered me. I think I say them in a harsh way then.

I do know why people react in the way they do as well. It is just like having a (verbal) fight with more intensity to it. Sometimes I say things that I better would not say. But I cant prevent myself from saying it. Sometimes I do know that it would be better to stop talking - but I cant.

I feel ashamed afterwards - and sometimes (depending on the person) I show it. And I try to improve the situation and reach out again after the situation has calmed down. It really depends on the person. If that person is important to me - I try to improve it. If that person is not important for me - well then it could be the last words spoken between us.

Does that answer your question?



fits my experience... but in my experience, it wasn't just a little "harsher" but rather things other people well, wouldn't stoop to... just saw one recently and I tore her argument up and she didnt expect that... as I'd always calmly sat and said nothjing for 3 months watching this woman. Anyway, she had no argument yet was posing a big "compassionate hero" post I call it, narc version of concern troll and a bit more clever and hidden... anyway so her arguments trashed-and she reiterates by not defending it once, but instead goes not just for the LOWEST fallacy-ad hom, but so low you dont see people go it was so low. attacked my kids, etc... but we had a non close relationship, so her file on me was pretty weak... anyway that alone exposed a pretty big red flag to everyone, and she left the group in shame. My point is-I've seen people go after kids maybe 3 times in my years on the internet... but it was a narc's first choice of below the belt-to go as low as they could. That's a narc rage, and they DO many irrational things during a narc rage, some of them last a while-withno ST, instead doing bad things, that even they regret later (and then later on do again lol). Like filing divorce in the wrong state thinking "punishment" when it just cost us about $20k, and 3/4 of that to her... that's not efficient, or a win for her.. that's a loss for her-if there must be a winner on that deal, it would be me by narc logic-i came out $10k further ahead, or less behind... so that narc rage didn't add up... but normally more calculating, but when in a narc rage... seems they could last easily a couple weeks if really awful-and frightening things happen during those periods.

But the interesting thing to me-is I agree, such nastiness, is usually saved for someone in or near discard and thus typically INTENDED to be final words as you said. But I don't really understand the people that seem to have no DRAW on their NPD. I mean she had the power as far as spark or whatever... for most of it, but I had much more sexual control for likely closer to the last 4 years , it seemed. But she was always very indecisive from candy bar purchases to me... and as long as I said nothing nasty in response to a narc rage, she'd pull the "nothing strange happened that i recall, how's your day? whatcha cookin?" type of crap... and even if i said nasty narc injury stuff back... she'd still usually be the first to intiate , but frankly she bluffed so much I stopped taking some of it serious.

Likewise, no matter how bad the injury, I feel like I could call her up from a jail she put me in (and she tried so many times... see-scary narc rage games lol) and get "us" back in 15 minutes. I never would now, but I have many times, and usually took much, much less. We definitely had a weird connection that at least sexually was mutually and really I held that power a bit more, at least during the discard and after (for example, after her big discard, within a week or two we did have phone sex several times and FB sex several times and most of these initiated by her (except the first -that's me reconnecting) not long after that I stopped feeling good about myself sleeping with her and rather the opposite, and cut her off-and then real clarity began, and somewhere in there I found NPD and began to have my answers - and not for closure, again I cut it off, but for the crazy questions, like as a co-parent, i had hundreds about her treatment of our children, esp. while fighting-those kinda questions, or "wtf did happen with her family?" etc... and in all cases, I found where I had relied on her for info-it was a lie and usually a nasty one that exploited me...



But I see all these people with no suggestion of any draw on their NPD, like totally powerless-maybe it's a superpower i have from being ubermessedup myself-every bad side can be flipped to a good side (unless you define bad as good... :) But my experience was I could open her door for reinitation as easily as I could to be discarded... like I could turn both knobs, but discard would naturally turn without me regardless lol of course. As even if you get back to idealization... it's a much quicker cycle, instead of a year it lasts a month, two if youre lucky, devaluation 2-3, and a much nastier discard each time... so superpower or not-clearly until i had enough, a degree of masochism... what else could it be on my end? Denial? Superblind Dependency? I dont know, but it's a problem I'ma address before i get close to anything again. And I do pity the next men in her lineup... she learned most of her tricks while with me (i was her first)... so what I got as my worst, is like likely her baseline now, and i bet dudes get falsely put in jail and $#%^ like that. And I wonder how typical that is as I don't see ours was quite the model in relationship, just in her attributes. She even diagnosed herself as such and thought I was BPD (I agree i lean that way, but not "very high" etc. on any test yet, but high enough to go see dx) and even played concerned ie "oh my, do i have a flaw??" but she hooked herself up with a very feminist shrink (more than willing to put the blame on me and labels too before asking one question of me or even listening to she and I for 1 minute, and went to a session and this lady is not PD trained, comes out, says "I don't have it." Which at the time, I accepted... about 3 years before I had my own reasons to research and she was right.... like she wrote these descriptions herself.
Vilified Phoenix
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 152
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2016 2:21 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests