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Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

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Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby JamieTwelve » Mon Nov 23, 2015 6:15 am

So, I've been in a relationship for 4 years. The woman I'm with is a good woman. She is kind, caring and nurturing, and she makes me a better man. She is 36 years old and has made it clear for a very long time that she wanted me to marry her and have babies.

I was, from the beginning, scared of that idea but I loved her and didn't want to leave her. Over time she began to feel like I was taking too long, and she built up resentment towards me. That resentment turned into pain for both of us that was bottled up, and it permeated every aspect of our relationship to the point where the relationship has been sexless, and I have failed at making her feel attractive and loved. I took her for granted. To be fair, she stopped trying too. I got tester one implants to increase my sex drive. I've been going to counseling for myself.

Up until about six weeks ago, she was still seeking a proposal. And I had the ring in my pocket and didn't ask because I was so concerned about fixing us before marrying. Neither of us ever want to divorce. It's against our values.

So, in the past month she has completely pulled away. She says that her heart is protecting her from what I've done to her over the years. She says she only ever wanted to be attractive to me, and I seemed to be the only one that wasn't attracted to her. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted. It was that sex became the elephant in the room, and performing sex always had so much pressure that went along with it that it felt like more of a performance in a very vulnerable state than an act of love. She also blames me for the fact that she is 36 and has no kids. She feels that the 4 years that we've been together were a waste of her time to have children. I concede that I feel guilty for it getting to the point that it is, but I'm willing to work on that now too.

Now that she has pulled away, I am scared to death of losing the thing I love most in the world. I have been making attempts to act chivalrous, to make changes in my behavior and sacrifices that I never would have before (like being willing to sell my motorcycle to fix our house etc). When I do things like hold the door for her, she says "Well that's a first" or "Why are you just now doing that?". I have told her that I am willing to put away childish things for the betterment of our life together.

I have also attempted to initiate sex three times now and she is completely shut off from it. She won't kiss me. She has shut down. It's apparent that she still loves me cause she tells me that she does. But I have told her that I am willing to make all the changes she seeks to save our relationship because I don't want to lose her, and she said she needs time. She took three weeks and travelled for work, and personal reasons as well...mostly to find herself and get away from me for a bit. At the end of her trip
this past weekend I flew across the country to propose to her. She found out before I could and she got mad at me for doing it because she said that she needs time. I was just trying to show her that I'm ready to commit my life to her.

She will be coming back home in two days and we will still be living together...albeit in a strained situation.

I'm looking for help in making her feel attractive again. Getting her to be willing to work on our sex life and then doing everything I can to blow her mind. I've told her that since our sexuality is something we haven't maturely explored, that it could be exciting and fun to really get to fix that part of our relationship. But she's still shut down. And she keeps a list of wrongs that I have committed against her that she never lets go of. And they start from day one, and continue to very recently. She's mad at me. And she has a lot of right to be. But she's not blameless.


So how can I get this beautiful person that I've hurt so badly, to open up and be willing to let me back in? I've told her that this time apart has given me the perspective I need to wholly commit to fixing "us". She just has to let me. And as of right now, she won't. When I asked about the ground rules for where we are, I mentioned seeing other people and me moving out. She didn't like that idea, so I know there's still a reason to hope and an opportunity to mend the pain.

I just need to know the best route to take, without pushing her away by smothering her, and without being fake and remaining true to myself.

What do I do?
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby JamieTwelve » Mon Nov 23, 2015 5:06 pm

Any advice? Anyone have similar experiences?

Any help or suggestions would be immensely appreciated!
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby Otter » Mon Nov 23, 2015 10:19 pm

Hi -

I'm not sure if it's a matter of what you can do, as in "opening doors" etc. If she is not responding to your willingness to change, then that is the greater problem that needs to be addressed. In addition to not working with you she seems to punishing you by keeping lists of what you do wrong, and so forth.

Reading your post, it doesn't seem like you abused her. Maybe you made bad decisions, but I can't see how it warrants her lack of willingness to work on things. Wouldn't it benefit her to get the relationship moving again? How long does one go on not trying to make the relationship better, but not ending it either? I don't see the point.

At any rate, I don't think it is one thing that will change the situation. Have you considered counseling for both of you - at the same time? Maybe with a therapist willing to challenge both of you, things can get back on track again.
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby Seangel » Tue Nov 24, 2015 12:02 am

Oh, gosh. I totally understand her anger. I have felt it. She's responsible for it and for the current state of the relationship, but I do understand her feelings.

Otter wrote:Wouldn't it benefit her to get the relationship moving again? How long does one go on not trying to make the relationship better, but not ending it either? I don't see the point.


This might be totally true, but if she's feeling hurt, it not might be easy.

She needs first to find out what she really wants. The anger and resentment might make it harder on her. And once she knows what she wants she might be able to let go of the past and anger and work with you on a committed relationship.

How about if you analyze what do you want and need? Do you want a relationship with her and a future with her? How long are you willing to wait for her to decide? What are your expectations?

Once you know what you want let her know. Let her know if you'd be willing for her a week, a month, a year. Tell her what are your intentions and be truthful and coherent with them.

JamieTwelve wrote:When I do things like hold the door for her, she says "Well that's a first" or "Why are you just now doing that?".


That is passive aggressive behaviour. Probably from the resentment and anger not expressed. Tell her that this behaviour is not being constructive towards having a loving relationship. It deteriorates it.

She needs to express that anger.

I really don't know what you can do to help. The feelings of attractiveness are not yours to make, but hers to feel.

I was in a 10 year relationship with a guy whom I wanted to spend my life with. We started our relationship really young; I was 16, he was 18. I waited, and waited, and waited. We graduated, traveled, lived together when studying abroad, and when we came to our country worked for some years.

One day I just saw that he didn't see me in his future. I broke up with him. He was scared, he didn't want to lose me, so he proposed instantly. Oh gosh, I had taken a long while trying to make that hard decision, and when I made it he suddenly was ready.

For me, that was no way to start a marriage, plus I felt his decision was made out of fear. I needed time. I traveled 3 months, and came back trying to give each other a new opportunity. I told him to reconnect and rebuild our relationship. We worked on it for a year. I was ready again, so in love, that had been a perfect year. We were looking for apartments together, when he told me he had met another girl with whom he had connected. Oh, that was so painful for me. I truly regret not being truthful to my initial decision which I thought long and deeply. I would have saved myself a lot of pain.

Two months after, he broke up with her and wanted me again. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Still, it took me a year and half, to let go of my anger. And I didn't even know I was angry.

I don't know what he could have done to help me heal my resentment. I wasn't worried about kids or a marriage, I just wanted intimacy and living together, which he didn't. I realized that it had been my fault too for waiting so long, and he should have been more truthful about what he wanted and when he wanted those things.

It may take her time, and if she doesn't resolve her resentment, she's gonna enter the marriage and be bitter, and passive aggressive.

Maybe validate her feelings, I would have appreciated that. And be very truthful with what you want, and if you cannot make her happy, let her be happy with someone else. Someone with whom she has no resentments. Ask her if she will be able to let her anger go, and work on her resentment and anger and pain. Otherwise, to let you go, so both can heal.

This is not easy, but if you talk from an honest place, in which both you care for one another; and in which that caring might mean you both being happy with someone else, you may be able to let go of each other without resentment. Or work together on letting the past behind and build a strong relationship. Either case, you both need to be really willing to do it.

Sea
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby JamieTwelve » Tue Nov 24, 2015 9:53 am

Thank you both.
And really great response, Sea. It's so helpful to hear insight from a woman that was in the same position as she is. And I'm sorry you had to go through what you did.

I'll take the time to post a longer reply tomorrow, once I can sit down at the computer. But the common theme is that only she can let go of resentment. And I read somewhere that that's a choice, and it only hurts her. I'm going to try to express that to her.

But the other aspect is validating her feelings. I have done that to an extent, but I need to do so more. And to be completely honest, and this is something I'm going to have to express to her, is now that I've delayed marriage and kids because I wasn't happy with our relationship, I myself am concerned about her abilities to conceive at her age....because I want children with her. I know she's never even come close to thinking that was something I considered or care about, but I have.

But for her, all of our problems stemmed from my dragging my feet and her resentment and anger built from that. And for me, I was never unwilling to commit, I just didn't want a wife that constantly resented me or was passive aggressive with me.

So these two things snowballed into a mess of hurt, when it was a Catch 22 or a "which came first, chicken/egg" type of deal.

I am going to keep doing everything I can to heal her wounds. Prior to now I just shut down, and then she did, and years passed. I'm going to reengage and get to the root of it. I just have to get her to let go of the resentment. That's the most important thing. And I feel like the only way I can do it is to show her with actions and tell her with words that I want what she wants or wanted, and I'll do anything it takes to give her the children and marriage she's always desired. But I can't do it if she's always pissed at me.

We both have mentioned counseling. And I really think it's a necessity. But she says she's not even sure she's willing to commit to working on things. I just need to get her to that point....willing to work on things. Because we really never have. We've just let things sit, fester, and hurt. And there's too much love there to not try to actively and in an engaged manner talk and discuss and empathize and validate, and forgive.

She gets home tomorrow, and we've got a lot of talking to do. I'll keep you guys posted but I really appreciate the insight.
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby Seangel » Tue Nov 24, 2015 1:30 pm

Jamie,

I wish the best, truly. I hope she is able to let go of her anger and resentment.

JamieTwelve wrote:But for her, all of our problems stemmed from my dragging my feet and her resentment and anger built from that. And for me, I was never unwilling to commit, I just didn't want a wife that constantly resented me or was passive aggressive with me.

So these two things snowballed into a mess of hurt, when it was a Catch 22 or a "which came first, chicken/egg" type of deal.


Oh, I understand. Passive aggressive behaviour is not nice to the least. :| It really sucks that i all snowballed into all that.

You mentioned you want to try her to be wiling, and for her to let go. In all cases of healing, what I've seen is that the willingness needs to come from the person, and thus she will be able to do the work, and not feel force to it.

I was gonna suggest, and analyze this, but how about if you give her space and room for her to make that decision. If you want to be his husband, and if you want a family with her, then let her take time to heal her wounds on her own. Be clear about things you are not willing to accept, like passive aggressive behaviour and any other behaviour that you see is in detriment of your relationship. But let her do her healing in her own time.

Counselling I believe is a great tool, and I hope you both find great counsellors, but yeah, let her want to work on things, because she still finds you amazing, and because she wants to work on the relationship.

You trying to make her commit, or let go of the anger, might create more anger and resentment. She might be wondering, why now? Why not before when she was able and loving, and openly telling you about? So maybe find your answers and tell her. Telling her that a passive aggressive wife is not someone you wanted to be married to might bring her to understand her responsibility in what happened in the relationship, and willing to work.

So wish you the best, and yeah, come and tell us how it goes.

Sea

PS: About me, thank you for your words. I've healed a great deal, and I learnt many things about myself. So, thank you.
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby ShawTrav » Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:20 pm

Don't know how I ended up here. And hello Sea. The story with your gf sounds a bit like how I was. Actually my wife was that way first and then I fell into the same feelings and we both were just so cold and distant to one another. Along with other issues we just didn't make it. Now as long as your gf isn't physically, mentally, or verbally attacking you then I think you will be ok. I feel like the therapy for couples would help.
JamieTwelve wrote:We both have mentioned counseling. And I really think it's a necessity. But she says she's not even sure she's willing to commit to working on things. I just need to get her to that point....willing to work on things.

I have said the exact same thing before. When I finally decided to leave she wanted to try couples therapy. I said I don't even feel like it is worth the try. We did, and it failed miserably. She (your gf) really has to want to work on herself and yalls relationship for therapy to actually work. Also, what I think would help is if yall started trying to do different and fun activities. Make it something new that y'all have not done before, or in a long time. Re Kindle that flame and romance. Also I completely stole this from a movie but try this. http://theromanticvineyard.com/fireproof-your-marriage/ These are steps that you do once a day. Don't even tell her what you are doing. Just follow the steps. I have heard it has worked. Not just in the movie. And it is faith based, so if that isn't your thing just skip those steps I guess. Or replace God with your own personal higher power.

The thing is, besides my other issues that lead to our relationship's demise, I was exactly like your GF and so was my wife. We kept things going for far too long because we were in our comfort zones and didn't want to change. I tried changing just like you did at first until finally I gave up and became just like her. Stay strong, and good luck.
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Re: Help healing her resentment and feelings of unattractiveness

Postby Im-pure » Wed Nov 25, 2015 11:57 pm

She might be checking out. Even if she doesn't want you to move out, sometimes people tend to hang on while mentally checking out the rship. So when they decide to break up, they already moved on...long before.

I seemed to be the only one that wasn't attracted to her.

Attractive women always have prospects, and her age doesn't help. If she wants a family she wants it soon.

Don't beat yourself up so much. Hindsight is always 20/20. Don't ask her for a timeline cause she may not know it herself. Give yourself a timeline instead. For how long are you able to stand this situation?

Either way good luck
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