So, I've been in a relationship for 4 years. The woman I'm with is a good woman. She is kind, caring and nurturing, and she makes me a better man. She is 36 years old and has made it clear for a very long time that she wanted me to marry her and have babies.
I was, from the beginning, scared of that idea but I loved her and didn't want to leave her. Over time she began to feel like I was taking too long, and she built up resentment towards me. That resentment turned into pain for both of us that was bottled up, and it permeated every aspect of our relationship to the point where the relationship has been sexless, and I have failed at making her feel attractive and loved. I took her for granted. To be fair, she stopped trying too. I got tester one implants to increase my sex drive. I've been going to counseling for myself.
Up until about six weeks ago, she was still seeking a proposal. And I had the ring in my pocket and didn't ask because I was so concerned about fixing us before marrying. Neither of us ever want to divorce. It's against our values.
So, in the past month she has completely pulled away. She says that her heart is protecting her from what I've done to her over the years. She says she only ever wanted to be attractive to me, and I seemed to be the only one that wasn't attracted to her. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted. It was that sex became the elephant in the room, and performing sex always had so much pressure that went along with it that it felt like more of a performance in a very vulnerable state than an act of love. She also blames me for the fact that she is 36 and has no kids. She feels that the 4 years that we've been together were a waste of her time to have children. I concede that I feel guilty for it getting to the point that it is, but I'm willing to work on that now too.
Now that she has pulled away, I am scared to death of losing the thing I love most in the world. I have been making attempts to act chivalrous, to make changes in my behavior and sacrifices that I never would have before (like being willing to sell my motorcycle to fix our house etc). When I do things like hold the door for her, she says "Well that's a first" or "Why are you just now doing that?". I have told her that I am willing to put away childish things for the betterment of our life together.
I have also attempted to initiate sex three times now and she is completely shut off from it. She won't kiss me. She has shut down. It's apparent that she still loves me cause she tells me that she does. But I have told her that I am willing to make all the changes she seeks to save our relationship because I don't want to lose her, and she said she needs time. She took three weeks and travelled for work, and personal reasons as well...mostly to find herself and get away from me for a bit. At the end of her trip
this past weekend I flew across the country to propose to her. She found out before I could and she got mad at me for doing it because she said that she needs time. I was just trying to show her that I'm ready to commit my life to her.
She will be coming back home in two days and we will still be living together...albeit in a strained situation.
I'm looking for help in making her feel attractive again. Getting her to be willing to work on our sex life and then doing everything I can to blow her mind. I've told her that since our sexuality is something we haven't maturely explored, that it could be exciting and fun to really get to fix that part of our relationship. But she's still shut down. And she keeps a list of wrongs that I have committed against her that she never lets go of. And they start from day one, and continue to very recently. She's mad at me. And she has a lot of right to be. But she's not blameless.
So how can I get this beautiful person that I've hurt so badly, to open up and be willing to let me back in? I've told her that this time apart has given me the perspective I need to wholly commit to fixing "us". She just has to let me. And as of right now, she won't. When I asked about the ground rules for where we are, I mentioned seeing other people and me moving out. She didn't like that idea, so I know there's still a reason to hope and an opportunity to mend the pain.
I just need to know the best route to take, without pushing her away by smothering her, and without being fake and remaining true to myself.
What do I do?