Defending Relationship Boundaries - valid?

Lol!....or not

I was just kidding

angelinbluejeans wrote:Lol!....or not

angelinbluejeans wrote:I was just kidding

lol...kidding or not, I was going to respond 'good answer'.


Another great article found its way into my inbox this morning and reaffirmed that I'm not crazy.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/str ... ays-better

Interesting link...oddly today over lunch I was reading an article all about the need to compromise in healthy relationships (it was in another magazine and not Psychology Today)...that was an odd coincidence...

Here is exactly what I was reading at lunchtime: ...
You and your spouse have different preferences on something. Realistically, you have at least three options:
You could stubbornly insist until you get your way.
You could passively surrender to your spouse’s wishes.
Both of you could compromise.
‘But I don’t like the idea of compromise,’ you might say. ‘It sounds as if neither of us will get what we want!’
Be assured that compromise need not be a lose-lose proposition—not if you do it right. But before considering how to compromise, there are a few things you should know about this vital skill.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Compromise requires teamwork. Before marriage, you might have been accustomed to making unilateral decisions. Now things have changed, and both you and your spouse must put your marriage above your personal preferences. Rather than think of that as a drawback, consider the advantage. “The ideas of two people combined can lead to a solution that is better than what each one could come up with alone,” says a wife named Alexandra.
Compromise requires an open mind. “You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position,” writes marriage counselor John M. Gottman. “If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere.” *
Compromise requires self-sacrifice. No one enjoys living with a spouse who believes “it’s either my way or the highway.” It is far better when both partners have a self-sacrificing disposition. “There are times when I yield to my husband to make him happy, but at times he does the same for me,” says a wife named June. “That’s what marriage should be about—give and take, not just take.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Start right. The tone in which a discussion begins is often the tone in which it ends. If you start with harsh words, the chances of reaching a peaceful compromise are slim. Such qualities will help you and your spouse to avoid arguing and get down to the work of problem solving.
Search for common ground. If your attempts at compromise only escalate into heated arguments, it may be that you and your spouse are focusing too much on where your views differ. Instead, pinpoint where they agree. To help you find common ground, try this:
Each of you make a two-column list. In the first column, write down which aspects of the issue you feel most strongly about. In the second column, list the aspects on which you feel that you could compromise. Then discuss your lists together. You might find that the aspects that you both feel strongest about are not really all that incompatible. If so, compromise should not be too difficult. Even if they are incompatible, having all aspects of the matter on paper will help you and your spouse to see the issue more clearly.
Brainstorm. Some issues may be relatively easy to settle. With more complex issues, however, a husband and wife can strengthen their bond by brainstorming a solution that perhaps neither of them would have come up with alone.
Be willing to adjust your view. When love and respect flow freely, both spouses are willing to consider the other’s viewpoint—and even be swayed. A husband named Cameron says, “There are things you would rather not do but—thanks to the influence of your spouse—you later come to love...

angelinbluejeans wrote:Interesting link...oddly today over lunch I was reading an article all about the need to compromise in healthy relationships (it was in another magazine and not Psychology Today)...that was an odd coincidence...

Indeed. If I was into astrology, I would probably find a way to make a case that supported the coincidence.

Twenty-eight years ago, when I was a wide-eyed, innocent college student, I spent 2 wonderful hours at dinner with my social psychology Prof trying to convince her that the odd coincidence that we were both from the same village in Italy, moved to the same location in the states, and ended up at the same university...her a divorced, thirty year old finishing her thesis; me an overly eager college student...was more than just coincidence...it was fate! She, instead, explained to me how coincidences are simply a collection of similar but distinct patterns that accumulate in our unconscious over our lifetime only to be released at one time by some "trigger". I needed a cigarette after she said that. After two bottles of wine, she convinced me (yes, drinking age was 19 back).

angelinbluejeans wrote: Here is exactly what I was reading at lunchtime: ...
You and your spouse have different ...

Thank you for posting the article, angel. I like the idea of "Start right." Almost every book I've read (am reading) states this. And I like the idea of making a list. Gottman, in his book "What Makes Love Last?" uses circles-within-circles instead, which I like better. He states to write the no-compromise items in the innermost circle and items which you can compromise on in the outer circles (obviously the further out in circles you go the more willing you are to compromise on those items).

For years I have struggled with the definition of compromise within the context of a relationship. Most of my life, growing up, I (like most folks I suspect) just viewed compromise as "meeting half way". But when I was married, my ex-wife had a different view. She believed one of us compromised fully on one issue and then the other partner would compromise on a subsequent issue in a separate discussion. So for each issue, one partner got 100% of what they wanted and the other got 0%. And vice-versa next time. The problem that arose, though, was that I never got my 100% because she was always willing to endlessly argue her points, resulting in mental exhaustion (on my part) and giving up, which led to resentment. With this last ex-partner, I found myself taking still a different view of compromise: For example, my ex-partner and I had an issue regarding where we'd live if we married? I had suggested a compromise wherein she moved into my home for a few years until I (we) could get out from under it (what I wanted) and I would put her son in a private school to avoid the less-than-desireable public school (what she wanted). I felt like that was a compromise, but she wanted the compromise to be immediate... I sell my home (for a loss mind you) or rent (thus become a landlord...ugh) and move to a new community with a new home, fresh start and great public school system. We never came to an agreement because other, more immediate and emotional, issues arose, but my point is that I used 2 different situations in the same compromise. And with, yet, another ex-partner prior to this last one, a successful businesswoman, compromise came easily for both of us, and I suspect it was because she was so adept at it, that it worked. We rarely argued because we kept emotion out of the issues and found a "win-win" compromise. And even still, a while back, I read another article that suggested using the word "collaboration" instead of compromise - the former having a more "work together for win-win" connotation that the latter's connotation to give up something. So, now, I'm slowly concluding that compromise can take on any form; any shape in any and each issue - maybe one issue, we compromise immediately on that issue, and maybe other times, we compromise across multiple issues, or the same issue/compromise but on different items.

To me, the key focus when thinking about compromise in a relationship is really willingness. Many couples think they compromise, when in truth they don't. And I blame these cursed "emotions" that we hold for the reason that it's so difficult to compromise (myself included). We let our emotions get the best of us, whether it's feelings of insecurity, or esteem or selfishness. All of these relationship books have a similar tone... learn to put yourself in your partner's shoes and you'll find it easier to see their pov, thereby easier to compromise...and discuss your issues without emotion. But to do that, I think 2 things are absolutely necessary in each partner: 1) individual emotional health, strong enough that you can push negative emotions below the "noise floor", at least temporarily, and, 2) a seriously willing and unselfish partner, not just one who says "yeah, I'll compromise" but then fights tooth and nail for their position. A partner who understands that the needs of the relationship are sometimes paramount to individual needs, like the article I posted says, "...to see the big picture and recognize that there will be times that the higher risk person will have to bend in the lower risk person’s direction, and vice versa. The operative word here isn’t necessarily “fair” or “equal” but balanced. And it’s the relational system itself hat is the identified client, not either individual." And that is a tall order for anyone to fulfill, including me. But I am trying to learn; trying to operate in this fashion, which is why I am serious when I say I want to mention all of this in my online dating profile in the hopes of attracting someone who has studied it (like us here); understands it, and appreciates it. Then again, I fear and picture someone reading the profile, throwing up, and clicking on to the next profile.

Thank you for making my morning cup of coffee so enjoyable, angel!

Rufus