AM I NEEDY OR JUST EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS?

So, I've been seeing a guy for nearly eight months now, and in the beginning (as usual) things were great. We really took things slowly, and just let the relationship develop on its own. In the initial stages of the relationship, he commented that he didn't want a "fully committed" relationship because he was working really hard and that his lack of availability had been an issue in his past. Though I didn't particularly like it, I decided it wouldn't hurt to stick around, not pressure him and see where things went.

My heart soared the day that he declared his love for me (all on his own) and stated that he wanted us to be "fully committed". That was about two months ago, and quite honestly, things are changing. Before we were "fully committed", I was perfectly OK with not hearing from him for a couple of days or not seeing him for long periods of time. Now things are different. Though I don't need him to contact me every single moment, it would be nice to have more communication.

I have recently TACTFULLY stated my needs. I told him that not hearing from him until well after 10 PM every day makes me uncomfortable, or the fact that he will make a broad "see you later" statement only to not surface until after 10 PM without so much as a quick text saying... "I'm gonna be late..." makes me INSECURE (yep, used that word) in the relationship. When I asked if my expectations were doable, he said yes, BUT ... he's still doing the same thing.

I have addressed this at least twice stating that I don't need a detailed breakdown of his day, but a courteous update-- especially if he is running late-- wouldn't hurt. Still nothing. His response: you didn't have these needs before... why so clingy now?

So... is this being clingy? My thoughts are, since the dynamics of the relationship have changed (HE's the one who asked for full commitment and declared love first), is it OK to now want more communication?

Hey ZenZeta,

I have somewhat obtuse reply to offer, take it for what it is though, just an opinion

For various reasons it happens that relationships start out with two people who enter into a kind of 'dance' (lacking a better word here), neither wanting to appear 'insecure' (more on that below). In this dance each maintains degrees of emotional distance, occasionally taking small steps closer, backing away, over and over ... I won't even try to write out all the reasons people go through this because it's complicated, and it works, but also...

It can backfire later. All that complexity does not equal open, clear communication.

While you might be that type of person who can start to put some of that dance aside and move toward a more honest and open communication, he may have learned to be indirect, don't appear clingy, keep some emotional distance, because that's what worked. Or ... it may also happen that he is still receiving many mixed messages from you, is utterly confused himself, or that now that things are moving away from what you had toward real intimacy he has his own mixed feelings.

Everyone has insecurities, it's part of being human. So does he. It seems like you two are stuck in the early dance stage of the relationship, the courting phase, essentially the honeymoon phase. Sometimes people don't want that phase to end, or they do, but they also don't. More confusion layered on confusion.

Anyway I don't have any great advice other than the obvious advise. You two need to talk.

Well... apparently he felt that it was needy because he dumped me last night stating that "Where we were worked for him..."

So maybe I did set an unrealistic expectation in the beginning. I still don't think asking for more communication should be a deal breaker (I seriously only suggested that we maybe schedule some us time to have something to look forward to and strengthen the relationship).

Clearly, we weren't on the same page. Apparently the words "I LOVE YOU" have different meanings for different people. I feel like if someone is truly committed to another, they will be willing to make small adjustments to make the other person happy (how long does it take to send a quick text message: I'm running late)

So today I'm feeling all of the things one feels after a blind sided break up. I came to the conversation ready to negotiate and fight for the relationship, he came ready to end it.

In the end, I know it's probably for the best, but it still hurts like the dickens.

Oh well... time to initiate the No Contact Rule. Wowsers...

Hi ZenZeta,

As you wrote, better to find out than for it to go on indefinitely when you two are not on the same page. It still hurts of course

p.s. I think most people who are in a committed relationship would agree with you, it's normal to keep in touch with each other, to plan time together, to let your partner know if you'll be late, etc. To want to do so, it's not a chore.