Figuring Out Bizarre Assault

I experienced a very short rape. It was consensual sex with a guy I was dating that turned into rape when he ignored my safe word. He eventually did stop after I protested a lot.

After a month and a half I felt over it. Very confused about why I had such good chemistry with him and then he decided to do that. Also confused by the fact that I wanted to have sex with him, and because I am into BDSM myself I would have been willing to role play a rape scenario (consensual non consent) but he didn't do that. He just flat out raped me.

So I was confused and upset and then after months and months of reading books on the psychology of men who rape, psychopaths, (after realizing he was one after remembering something he said that ended up being a pathological lie) and sexual sadism, I've come to a really disturbing conclusion.

I didn't NEED to do this to myself. I could have left it at -- he was abusive, I left. But I wanted to know what he was, and what compelled him to do this to me.

So now I have my answers and it's hard to get over the fact that I dated a psychopathic sexual sadist with the profile of an organized serial killer. I know I am safe -- the police told him not to contact me and he hasn't. I have no use to him now. My therapist said, "He didn't want to kill you, he wanted to possess you."

I just feel weird among my friends, most of which haven't been exposed to crime (like I was before) and realizing I encountered such a dangerous, violent criminal.

I sometimes cycle through fear, anger, and sadness. I feel like I'm in another stage of shock. I can't believe I met someone so evil.

I feel bad for you.

I can understand where you're coming from. It feels like it's your fault when you're alone at night. Of course it's not but that doesn't make it easier. I went through a similar situation and I still talk to the guy because for some reason I like him. I know it is messed up but that's how my brain works. I met someone new so hopefully I can get away from the loser who took advantage of me- it sounds like that is what happened to you. I've noticed that sadist pervs lurk in the BDSM community- it's the perfect place for them to feel accepted & safe... and to act non-consentually... :/

best wishes