six years of silence - advise please

I am writing this down. Something I have never told anyone. Something I don’t want to be real. If I tell someone it will make it real and I would much rather that not happen. It is hazy and sometimes I wonder if I am just some crazy screw up that has made it up in her own head. My half-sister and I had just come back from a holiday to Argentina to visit my dad who moved out there when I was 15 or so. I was 19 years old and my half-sister was 35ish. We got back to L*edit*, where my sister lives, on New Year’s Eve and she knows of a party happening in a pent house in B*edit*. So we go along. I remember drinking and smoking and watching the midnight fireworks out on the balcony. My sister is not a conventional 35 year old woman and her friends at the party offer us some MDMA. I have some, as does my sister. I have taken ecstasy before. I have always been able to remember what has happened during the night. But from this point my memory of events is hazy. Whether this is purely because of the MDMA and the alcohol I do not know, I am suspicious and think that I may have had something slipped in my drink too but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is what I do remember.
I remember three Asian men coming into the party late on in the evening. I remember being in the bathroom. I remember one of the men coming into the bathroom. I remember being on the floor of the bathroom. I remember getting up and trying to leave but the other two men being outside the door and not letting me leave. I remember sitting on the side of the bath and noticing blood there when I stood up again. I remember one man leaving and another man coming in… I remember being distressed and confused…Then nothing. My next memory of the night is being in the living room sat on a sofa. I don’t know who is around me as I only knew my sister at the party. A woman comes into the living room and is very worried because she went into the bathroom and found blood over the bath and floor. She found a pair of girls’ underwear covered in blood and wants to know who’s they are and what’s happened. These questions are directed at everyone in the room. I sit in silence. Time goes by. I don’t know how much but I remember hearing people speaking. The memories are like ghosts, I can’t remember faces and I can’t remember the room. But I hear that they cleared up the blood and I hear that they still don’t know what happened. I am suddenly aware that I have no underwear on and I almost laugh – oh they must be my pants! How did they come off? I can’t remember. What I am writing now is chronological but these memories were pieced together afterwards. I remember feeling as though I need to own up to the underwear being mine because I didn’t want people worrying. I remember telling someone that they are mine, and they rush off to find someone. The woman who asked the questions and found the blood comes over. I don’t remember what she said or how she seemed. I remember telling her a lie but I don’t know why I lied. I told her I had started my period. I don’t know whether she believed me. I don’t know where my sister was at this point. More time goes by. I remember refusing to get into the lift to leave the party and taking the stairs instead. I remember being hysterically upset and crying uncontrollably as I walked down them. I remember sitting in a taxi gazing out the window with tears streaming down my face. I remember my sister putting me to bed.
The next morning I wake up and I know that something bad went down the night before but I don’t know what. My sister tells me about the underwear and asks me if anything happened in the bathroom. I say no. She tells me that later on in the evening I had been shouting and screaming at her telling her that I hated her. I still don’t remember that. I felt so embarrassed. I left my sister’s house in the early afternoon to get a train back to L*edit*. I have never spoken to my sister about what happened that night again.
I rarely think of the events of that night, I have supressed it very deep down. When I got back to L*edit* it was like I had dreamt it. I was in a different place, with different people and I didn’t speak to my sister. It was so easy to pretend nothing happened. I then developed bulimia and battled with it for 3 years. That too is a secret. Since getting over it I have only told two people. I got over it on my own, never going to a doctor. I am still very controlling of what I eat and seem on the brink of relapse often. It is so obvious now looking back that the bulimia was the way I took back control but during the time I didn’t see them in any way connected.
I have been in denial for 6 years. I have never told a soul. It has affected me massively. I want to know what happened and I can’t remember. Every News Years Day I go over what happened in my head but nothing else comes back. Then I supress it all again and go on with my life. I am sexually promiscuous and have cheated on boyfriends. I sabotage great relationships. What happened is still no excuse for that. I feel like a coward and a fake. I do not see my sister often and when I do it is strained. Sometimes I want to email her to ask her what she remembers of that night. But then she would know something did happen that night. Telling someone will change everything, it will make it real. It will make it hurt so much more…

Hi pinkhelicopter,

Thank you for sharing what seems to be quite a traumatic event. I think, it'd be helpful to you to talk about this with a therapist in a private and safe environment.

WM

even telling people on a rape forum, still no one gives a **** = disheartened

-- Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:04 pm --

Thanks WM you must have been reading my mind just then!

pinkhelicopter,
Your experience sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through it and that you've been dealing with it alone for all this time. I've found the internet and forums like this helpful but in a limited way, I get the most sense of support when I've found people I can open up to in person. If you can find a therapist or support group where you feel safe and comfortable it might provide you with another outlet and means of support in addition to the forum.
One way or another I hope you find the help and support you need!
Kagami

Haven't been on these forums for a while, but I had to reply to your post...

I have also had the experience of having 'hazy' memories like that, due to drugs and/or alcohol.

And what you wrote sounds like a memories that you either don't remember completely due to the drugs or because it was so horrible, your mind blocked it out (or maybe a combination of both).

I'm sorry that it has affected you so badly, things like that can affect you in so many ways without you even realizing it, w/o even remembering what happened.

You said, "What happened is still no excuse for that. I feel like a coward and a fake. I do not see my sister often and when I do it is strained. Sometimes I want to email her to ask her what she remembers of that night. But then she would know something did happen that night. Telling someone will change everything, it will make it real. It will make it hurt so much more…"

Telling someone, for me at least, has always helped; yes, it hurts to tell someone, to let it out, but to just let it out just helps. It gives it less power over me, I'm no longer holding it inside. I'm no longer protecting THEM. It helps me to say that THIS happened and it really hurt me and still affects me.

As far as asking your sister, I don't know. You know her, if you think she will be supportive of you, do it. I'm sure if you told her, since you told them the panties were yours, she should realize that something more happened that night. If you don't want to tell her, there are other people to tell. You can call a hotline for rape victims, I've called RAINN before, they really helped me. Or there are chatrooms if you're having a really hard time, but don't want to talk on the phone -- I've done that before, and it's good because you can talk to more than one person at the same time. Talking to a counselor or therapist can really help, if that's an option for you. Or if you have a good friend to talk to.

If you want some links, I can send you some of the places I've gone to, links to their websites and whatnot. Or if you wanna talk, message me.

Hope some of what I typed helps. Just know that you're not alone.

So I thought I'd do an update...

I decided to tell my boyfriend. I couldn't speak to him so I asked him to read my message while I waited downstairs.

He has arranged for me to see a councillor on Tuesday - I am really scared. I still haven't been able to actually talk out loud about the events of that night, only the effects they have had on me. So I don't know how it will be or if I'll be able to say anything about it. But I suppose it is good that I have finally managed to tell someone what happened.

I also feel really exposed because I told him he could tell people because obviously he will be dealing with what he found out to. So he has told his mum and dad and also one of his freinds. I know that he trusts them completely and that they would never tell anyone else but it just feels weird that people I haven't told personally know my business. I used to go round to his parents house but I don't think I can face them. Just knowing that they know what happened. I guess I am still dealing with feelings of shame to do with what happened. I feel like they would be judgeing me or that they would be able to see what happened like they were a fly on the wall there - it's hard to explain.

I suppose I will just have to see what happens on Tuesday although the thought of going makes me feel sick I know that it will be good. I feel like finally facing up to things has been a good idea. And hey it's only taken 6 years - go me!