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Dating a rape victim?

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Dating a rape victim?

Postby todd92371 » Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:56 pm

Hello,
I was going to ask advice from anyone who is aware of this situation.
I am currently dating a woman that I am absolutely in love with. She is the most beautiful person I have ever met. She was raped as a teenager at a college fraternity house by multiple men. She remembers some parts of it and it was traumatic to say the least. She never reported the incident and I am one of the only people she has ever discussed it with.
For the longest time, I was trying to figure out why she acted in certain ways. Sex would make her feel dirty at times and her interest in it is very low. I have never taken or forced this issue. It is her body and I want her to know that she has full control of her body. Sometimes when we get in even the smallest dis-agreement- she will end up in a corner literally pulling her hair out saying things like I just want to die, I am a crazy person and things that are really signs of deep hurt. She also never feels like she pleases me and this can send her into these funks???? She makes me so happy! For the longest time I couldn't figure out what I was doing to send her into this state. I thought I MIGHT be abusive somehow. To be honest- I am a very mild and gentle man. I am not ashamed to admit this! The outcome that she exhibited was not warranted from our disagreements. I talked with someone recently (specialist) that said this is probably a symptom of post-traumatic syndrome.
I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. Ironically, she almost broke up with me because she couldn't handle those episodes that she went into. Blamed myself for weeks and it hurts deeply. I was told to back off and realize that it's not me- its her. I want to find ways to support her and love her because of what has happened to her. I want her to heal from this. I want the best for her life.
Does anyone have any advice or encouragement. Even a woman who has been raped. Things that you would need- ect. All on this forum who have been hurt by this are in my thoughts. I now understand the deep and lasting implications of this act. It breaks my heart.

Yours,
Todd
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Postby jasmin » Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:38 pm

Hi, todd92371! Welcome to the forum. I think you could tell her that you will be there for her no matter what, if she needs to vent or if she just needs someone to talk to.
What happened to your girlfriend is awful. I'm sorry the two of you are going through this.
It would be a good idea for her to find a therapist and try to get some help. It has to be someone who she feels comfortable with and who she can really talk to. Maybe at a women's crisis center or something. I wish you all the best.
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The pain of this

Postby todd92371 » Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:22 pm

I am my wits end with this. I am losing her and she is giving up. The pain that is surfacing in her life is literally killing her and I'm watching it. I feel like a sponge that has been squeezed dry because she needs me so. It is making me say and do things I normally wouldn't do. The pain goes into me also and she doesn't understand that I was raped also. I see the pain in her face. I see the tears. I see her tearing her hair out. The despair that overwhelms me with this is unbearable. I am losing her and at times I just want to leave. She knows this and it makes the situation worse. I hurt so bad also and I have to be strong because there is nothing coming back into me. Nothing. That doesn't matter and I have to find the strength to keep giving!!! Love is not about what we receive. The pain that people can cause in a life. The pain that will forever haunt her and me. It amazes me how one moment of selfish gain can hurt a lifetime. Can hurt a love. Can hurt a human being to the point of making them want to kill themself! The utter hopelessness that is on her face. Her wanting to just go away. I do not understand these things. I wish I could step into her and take the pain away. I cant. When I want to run it's because I'm watching this. We are one and it kills me also. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know if I will also be able to step out of this despair that I carry. She will probably go away because she knows how much this hurts me also. It is a situation that will forever change me and there is no exit from this pain. I wish I could go back in time and take her hand and pull her out of there! I would give anything to do so. I would give my life to do so. So she wouldn't hurt anymore. I ask that you pray for her. I ask that you pray for me. I want her to heal. I do not see any light to this tunnel that I am in now.

todd
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Postby jasmin » Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:25 pm

Todd, I'm so sorry! I know this dark hole that you sink into. Some people say that there is peace there, but there wasn't for me. It's like something was tearing me appart, literally. And there is this pain in your soul that is always there and it seems like it will never go away and it keeps pressing. You feel like you need to die, but you don't actually want to. It was that way for me. I managed to get out of that place becouse I came here and I got support.
I know it's not the same for everyone, but maybe you can get your girlfriend to talk to us too and get some therapy if it's possible.
It must be so difficult for you to go through this. I belive you when you say that you feel what she feels. Maybe that will give her strength. If she knows that you are one and you feel this way, maybe you can tell her that you can heal together, face it together. But you need strenght too and you can ask her to please be strong for you. Tell her that you don't want her to leave you becouse you love her and you need her. I really hope you will feel better!
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Postby tawnbabe » Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:52 pm

Todd,
Along with your girlfriend, I am also a woman that has been raped. It happened when I was 14 and younger by my brother and a "close friend". Also like your girlfriend, I never told anyone besides my lover. I know for me it's extermely hard to trust anyone, especially males. I usually don't get too close to people because Im afraid they'll hurt me again. I have an amazing boyfriend for two years now, and he supports me everyday. In life you have to learn to let what happened go....there's no point on dwelling what happened. Maybe you and your girlfriend need to become closer and talk EVERYTHING through, or she needs to talk to someone about what happened. What happened to her is unfair and shouldnt have happened, but it's something in life you (more her) have to get over. I just think everything could be worse :) I really think she needs professional help, it worked for me. She needs to be a strong woman without insecurity. Being strong and talking about what happened is the best cure. It worked for me :)
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Postby countrychickny » Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:31 am

I dont know if this will be hepful. But I was raped and I had a hard time letting myself move on and date someone. We have been dating now for about 6 months. During the first couple months when we would stay together I would feel him next to me and wake up, litteraly punching him, thinking it was the guy who raped me. I had to tell him what happened. Since then I dont do it near as much and when he noticed Im dreaming about it, he wakes me up and just says, dont worry hun, its me, then hugs me tight. It helps, I fall back to sleep and dont dream about it anymore. I dont know if this happens with her at all. But one other thiing he would do, he wears a necklace, and i always play with it. so when he wakes me up and its dark and i cant see him , he takes my hand and puts it on the necklace and says dont worry , its me.

I guess what im getting at....maybe reassuring her that you wont let anything happen to her, and that she is safe with you.
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Postby countryview » Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:56 am

I'm in a pretty similar position - a woman that I love very much was assaulted (I'm still having trouble with the "R-word", I know that's silly).
I had lived with her for over two months, and a few problems caused me to leave (a different city a days drive away). She was lonely and hurt, so went out one night with "friends", who didn't watch her back after some stranger bought her a lot of drinks. One thing led to another and they wound up outside the bar where the worst happened - I guess she slugged him pretty hard, hurt her hand. But to no avail - she's not very big. And I know it's not her fault, it's mine!

Ever since then (about a month ago), I've been SO guilt-ridden.... if I had stayed, it would not have happened. We probably wouldn't have gone out at all that night, but even if we did, I'd have stepped in after that jerk bought her more than 1 drink. But I wasn't there.

One disappointment is that, for all the Victim Serves that are available, I havent found anyone much that gives a damn about the victims loved ones, and how they are coping. That why I found this site.... I'm having a terrible time with all this.
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Postby jasmin » Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:41 am

Hi, countryview! I'm sorry that happened to your friend and I'm sure you must be hurting. It is not your fault or hers, it's the his fault. You're not to blame for this.
She got hurt becouse he decided to hurt her. Maybe if you try to be there for her and talk it will do you both a lot of good. You are welcome to talk here any time as well.
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Postby countryview » Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:15 am

There's somthig odd about this site, it took me 4 tries to reply...

But thank you - little by little I am tryin' t get it together, I've argued her to talk it out, preferably with another woman. There are some things that even the nicest Guys can try to relate to, but I am smart enough to know that we cant always - not completey...

She is in a set of horrors that is hers alone, no matter WHAT I do, to let her set herself feelining free. But she also had to put on a "brave face" in order to do her job and set out food on the table.



BUT - I have this overpowering feeling that I should come up with something, beyond long phonecalls, which dont always go that well. (I also have a long-standin' issue too. I am married, and all the relation-ship stuff is well known - by everyone.))


but there are "other issues", that I dare not get into, No offense][/u]
Last edited by countryview on Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:31 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby countryview » Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:33 am

jasmin wrote: Maybe if you try to be there for her and talk it will do you both a lot of good. You are welcome to talk here any time as well.

Thanks, I am trying my best, but it's "triple-tough" when you
- KNOW where you should be to aid and comfort someone that means the world to you.
- are STUCK in a relationshio that is supportive and has been for ages, but NOT in the way I need now - in fact, it has occured to me that my "friend" (and it's much more that that) might just save my life.
- that this all happened - because I wasn't THERE, Dammit!

I protected her many a time, for far less serious reasons - and when it came down, I WASN'T THERE!


I hate myself, for what I did (or didn't when it really mattered!) - even if I didnt think it would ever come about, like this -
I have tried and tried to get her to go through some sort of counseling, or just talk about it to a close friend. We share a mutual friend (female). Apparently, some measure of talk between them has taken place, and maybe to a good degree, if I am not mistaken. (I am trying very hard to respect "M'Loves" privacy), But I am DAMN-SURE that it's a case of putting 2 and 2 together with them. But "M'Love" staying all bottled up inside? That is not helpful to her.
Expectable perhaps, but not healthy. Not by a long shot....

Damn, I am so worried.... and so far away.... and so stuck where I am. (there are other issues that keep me where I am.)



.
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