*r* *t*

It happened an hour ago or at least that's the time it stopped. Ican't stop crying. I never normally cry immediately afterwards. It hurt so much. I kept saying it was hurting and he laughed. It still hurts.

i'm so sorry smurf

it's horrible.. they're awful

are you physically safe right now?.. do you need medical attention?

It's the first time I've rang in sick after being ..... It was a different manager who is lovely and I cried. Now sobbing again. Why does this feel different to the other times?

really glad your manager is nice smurf.. the last thing you need right now is to deal with a difficult one.

i don't know why it feels different to the other times.. i know one time stands out particularly for me, not sure why.. just does - hugest gentle hugs to you smurf

I've only just managed a bath, but really want another, but then again I don't want to be naked. I can't really scrub myself clean with clothes on either. I don't want to see any part of my body. I was even sat curled up earlier with my gloves on so I couldn't see my hands. I'm only posting when I'm in a dark room, so I still can't see them (my hands).

I tried reaching out to my gp earlier, but I was so distraught I hung up on her. The physical pain is really kicking in, but I don't want to take any painkillers, because in my head it is me giving in to what he did. I can't deal with this. I'm crying again. I need the tears to stop. I need the numbness. I hate the numbness, but at least you can function with that.

I'm trying my best to explain how I feel, but there are no words to express how much I am hurting. Cutting would give temporary relief, but still not express the extent of my feelings. I keep thinking the numbness is starting, but the tears come back. I keep thinking about the random crap that was going through my head while he was ...... me. I feel broken beyond words.

HELP is the one word that keeps coming into my head, but no one can help me. It's down to me, but I also don't know what help I want.

I'm sorry I'm probably not making any sense. I need to shut down, but my head won't let me. Stupid head. I want to bang it off the wall to make it stop. I can't do this. I really can't. I'm sorry

You are making sense to me smurf (i know what you mean) when you say that you want to stop the crying ..dumbness helps with that (does for me) too. when im numb i feel better less vulnerable.

keep strong as you have done so far
you have support here as always you know that.

Sorry to hear that your GP call wasnt a good one. try again maybe when you can

My gp was lovely. I just couldn't deal with myself. The tears and the hurt. Saying stuff out loud is so different from writing here.

I have a weird vivid sensory thing going on and I'm not sure how to deal with it and it will probably sound too stupid to post.

I want the world to stop so I can get off for a while.

Hugs

I do understand what your saying about "you want the world to stop"

About not knowing what help you want, maybe you could let your GP or others suggest some ideas and you could discuss it or think about which sound best for you? and you could tell them what you're worried about, if you feel up to it, and they could help give feedback about your worries/fears etc? I'm sure they would have some good ideas they could suggest, and it'd be up to you if you want to try any or not etc. I don't know what to say to make you feel better but I'm also just so sorry that this happened and that you've been in so much pain because of this understandably.

Thanks for replies

I think i have definitely shut down now.