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Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

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Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

Postby Laurafindme » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:25 am

This is something that happened to me 12 years ago. I'm now married with two children, settled and fairly happy! My husband and i have been having some problems and are going to therapy. Something from 12 years ago seams to be rearing it's ugly head and i need to confront it. I'll tell you what happened as best i can and then tell you my thoughts.

I was traveling around a few places in America, visiting family. I'm English by the way. I was in the Denver area and hanging a round with a friends friend (Uncles friends daughter). We had a night out, went to The Stampede Bar. I got very drunk, to the point that i couldn't remember all the night. My new friend and I had been discussing guys and i was basically saying i was up for a shag. I was in the midst of the end of a relationship and i can see now that i was looking for some attention to feel attractive/wanted etc. But my reasoning for my promiscuity aside, though embarrassed as i am, i don't think that is relevant. Anyway....At the end of the evening I was feeling miserable, the friend i was with had had lots of attention, she was confident, she's curve and all the guys had eyes for her. I on the other hand had no attention...not even the English accent was interesting. I'm off track again...back to what is relevant.....
After closing we headed out, this is where it becomes blurry. From what i remember, my friend and I were talking about me not 'pulling' and i was saying i wanted a nice cowboy. I'm not sure how the next part happened, but she collared a guy and i ended up in his car. I guess he wasn't drinking as he was driving, but i'm not sure. I don't remember any details of getting back to his place, very little of the night from that point comes back to me, just very small snippets. I believe we had sex at his place. I woke up in the morning, i was scared as i was in a city that i didnt know, knowbody knew i was there, i didnt know how to get back to where i should be. I wasn't scared to the point of panic, i was very pragmatic. I had sex with him again that morning. I did this because i was afraid of the situation i had put myself in. I didnt know this guy, i didnt even know his name, i didnt know what he would do if i said no. My logic was to get it over and done with and ask to go home as soon as i could. My reasoning was that i'd already had sex with him, so just do it and move on as quickly as possible. I put all the blame on myself. I litterally remember lying there thinking "lie back and think of England". Once i established where i was meant to be (my new friends address) he dropped me back at her building. I went in and they (she and her good friend) were cheering, there was lots of bravado, i felt rubbish. I had a hangover from hell and felt horrendous about the situation i'd got myself into. I soon managed to dismiss it as an unwanted memory and didn't dwell on it. I carried on traveling and enjoyed the rest of my time over there.

Was this rape? I may have said "yes" to sex that night...i probably did to be honest. But the morning after? Was that consent? I'm just not sure...maybe it wasn't.

What are the laws on consent in Colorado....was i legally able to give consent when i was that drunk?

I feel that this incident has been kept inside and had rotted over the years. It's now polluting my marriage and specifically my sex life. I am in the midst of trying to "find myself" and trying to come to terms with my past promiscuity. I want to discuss this with someone/people that know as fully as they can of what happened but i have no one i'd like to tell. This is why i'm here. What do you think of this situation...what do you think of me? Can i move on from this? How do i stop it defining me?

Thank you for reading.
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Re: Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

Postby AmandaBroken » Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:45 pm

17

Close-in-age: In Colorado, a person who is under 15 can legally consent to have sex with someone who is no more than 4 years older. Additionally, a person under 17 can legally consent to sex with a person who is no more than 10 years older.

Being drunk could be an issue especially if you were unconscious.

Being drunk does not mean you could not have given consent.
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Re: Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

Postby VernonJenkins » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:08 pm

I feel that this incident has been kept inside and had rotted over the years. It's now polluting my marriage and specifically my sex life.

I'm so sorry about that. :(

Can i move on from this? How do i stop it defining me?

I really hope that you can move on from it. You may benefit greatly from therapy if that's an option for you right now. If not, maybe in the future but in the meantime, this place is very supportive so always feel free to come here and discuss anything that's on your mind. :)
Last edited by VernonJenkins on Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

Postby AmandaBroken » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:17 pm

[quote="VernonJenkins"]

No, intoxicated people are not legally able to give consent, even if both parties are intoxicated.

[quote]

Not true in the state of Colorado. intoxicated people can give consent unless aggravating circumstances can be proven.

This long past the incident it is a "he said" "she said."
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Re: Rape or Just Irresponsible Sex?

Postby VernonJenkins » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:38 pm

My apologies, Lorna. I jumped the gun on your question and was only thinking about the laws that apply where I live. I personally have no idea what the consent laws are in Colorado, but Amanda is from there so she probably knows what she's talking about. If you still feel unsure, I'd suggest you go to a library and check out some law books.
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