The Two Loves of My Life

I've never felt more sad and confused in my entire twenty years in this depressing world. This will be a long one but I really need help and advice, I truly do no know where else to turn.

My boyfriend of about a year now and myself have been in a long distance relationship for most of the relationship. We both love each other very much, but we've been having a lot of difficulties and so we were thinking of ways to change our relationship. So we began discussing the possibility of an open relationship and upon deciding that wasn't something that would work for us, we decided to try having experiences together. We were both curious about threesomes so we started discussing that, I mentioned at first that I wanted to do it with someone i know because i believed that would be more comfortable. So naturally, we thought of my best friend who is also my roommate and once the idea entered my head, i began to be against it. I didnt tell him yet, however i told him that i would discuss it with her privately first. He completely understood, they've grown to become friends as well and we both wanted this to be completely comfortable.

However, this weekend (before telling him that i didnt want to do a threesome with her and would be more comfortable with a stranger) saturday, we had an event in my place and we all ended up drinking more than we planned. I live in a studio, so my roommate and i share a bed, when my bf comes over, we all share the bed because its never something that makes us uncomfortable. He's NEVER said or done anything that would make any of us second guess that decision. Sunday, i noticed that my friend was uncomfortable about something and so was he. I brushed it off and figured it was my imagination. Monday he brought her up and was trying to tell me something, i shut him down once he brought her name because i thought i didnt really want to discuss this threesome thing without her ever again, he seemed bothered but i brushed it off. Once he left, my best friend asked me to read something in her notes because she felt to uncomfortable to say it to me out loud. She told me that when she was sleeping she's sure that she felt his arm on her and that she saw a camera flash. I was horrified, i had a horrible panic attack and decided to end everything because i felt discussed. I was passed out in the bed in between them while this happened. Immediately i called him and confronted him. Without a second of hesitation, he told me what happened. He drank too much (a fact, not an excuse) and he let himself fantasize to a point where it overcame him and he told me that he was taking the picture of me (something we've discussed and I'm comfortable with) and in such disgusting stupidity, he moved her shirt so he could include her leg and butt in the picture of me. He admitted everything, he sobbed not for him but for what he's done. He's completely aware that he isn't in any way the victim in this, he knows he ruined everything and he's broken so much. I am horrified, I am confused, I am ashamed because ultimately I shouldn't have discussed anything with her name without speaking to her first.

I don't know what to do with myself now. All i do is cry and scream, I'm writing this at work right now because its all i can think of. My bf assaulted my best friend, thats what happened right? this is what it isn't right?

I love him so much. We planned our lives together, I don't want to be without him he is the truly the love of my life. I have never loved anyone the way i love him and he is so good to me. Every decision we make, we make them together, I am absolutely in love with him. I wish so much that didnt happen and worst of all I wish it didnt happen to my best friend. And i love her with my entire being, she is my world and my rock. We've been through so much together and theres no other human being in this world that knows me like she does.

I'm an active feminist, a women's studies major and i have absolutely no idea what to do.

Please, i am begging for any help or advice, pleases.

Two girls and one guy in a bed, everyone been drinking, and we'd been discussing swinging, and that's all that happened? I think we know not to get all drunk again and lay in the same bed. People do crap when they're impaired. He needs to apologise to her, erase the photo from the phone and the cloud, and y'all agree not to share sleeping spaces when drunk. And I'd say let it go. If this is something that's going to eat at you, then best to think about ending the relationship now, if you're never going to trust him. Otherwise, as a (pretty old) guy, I can tell you we've all got a little bit of swine in us. Guys only have so much inhibition, YMMV but I think that's a generalisation I'm willing to stand by. I can't say I wouldn't have gotten a bit handsy, especially as we'd been talking about a threesome with her. I might not have, but I wouldn't put a guarantee on it. If the subject hadn't come up, he probably wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have. But y'all been discussing it and that's a thought genie that's really hard to put back in the bottle. Most guys I know really, really (really!) dig the idea of a threesome with a couple of girls. Add alcohol to that...

Like I say, he should say he's sorry, and now we're all on the same page with boundaries. Live and learn.

IDK, Snaga - it was really creepy/ lechy of him. I am on the line about calling it assault since really I think that it is the prerogative of your best friend to define what he did, girlonfire. How is she currently feeling about this?

If you decide to stay together it is certainly something to discuss in couple's counselling. Obviously you need trust in a relationship and you need to feel safe and comfortable. I am sorry this has happened to you/ your friend.

I've been in drinking party situations before where folks got a little touchy-feely and it turned into soft swinging (and could have turned into hard swinging in an instant, with a little less inhibition on our part), so maybe my take on this is a little different. From my POV, you get piled in a bed and drunk, eventually someone's going to get ideas. It doesn't excuse it, but it handily explains it and I can't act surprised at his actions, especially if he was still thinking we were all maybe going to get our freak on together. This might never have happened if he'd been on the same page and knew it wasn't going to happen.

Of course it was lechy- my take is that men are naturally so, and we all have our own level of chemical-fuelled lowering of inhibition to the point where we get a little handsy. Not that I think women are immune to that- I just think they're better at controlling it plus the ideas of consent seem to be more centered on women.