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We were both intoxicated...

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We were both intoxicated...

Postby NihilismOppurtunity » Mon Aug 24, 2015 10:20 am

I recently found out, two to three years after the event, that I violated my friend's consent when we had sex for the first and last time of our lives. I was drunk and she was drunk. I don't even remember that night clearly. In fact, most of the time, I forget it even happened, until she brings it up randomly. When I do think back on that night, I don't remember what or how we got to her bed. I was in her apartment. I know I was drinking there because I wasn't allowed to drink at my apartment. I vaguely remember being in bed with her. I don't remember who started what, or even if our clothes were on or not. I don't remember who kissed who first. I don't remember asking for consent and I don't remember her asking me either. I just remember us, two drunk adults, fooling around. But I do remember somehow getting her to not touch me as much because I knew I couldn't handle it. But I don't remember her telling me or doing things that would suggest I shouldn't touch her? But she was drunk. I was drunk too. So I touched her and sexed her.

Three years later she tells me that on that night she was too drunk to give consent.

Was I too drunk to give consent too? Am I rapist?
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby Agrona » Mon Aug 24, 2015 8:37 pm

In norway we call that drunken sex. One might regret it, but if one wish to not end up in someones bed and regret it later one, one should simply not get that drunk.
In my honest opinion; not guilty.
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby IKellyI » Wed Aug 26, 2015 7:23 am

We could bust out technicalities, but I don't want to get banned for stating facts.
You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby seabreezeblue » Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:20 pm

IkellyI - please do state facts.. just be mindful of the rules etc..

I agree with psychochicky here..

If you were drunk and she was drunk and she didn't say no - you had drunken sex - no assault to be found at all.

I've had drunken sex and I was told by my sister that he took advantage of me.. umm nope - I didn't say no, I had fun - woke up the next morning and thought ''oh crap.. umm''
The guy was just as drunk as I was -- if drink incapacitates me then it incapacitates him as well and we were both too out of it to properly consent..
Please try and go easy on yourself here - you were drunk and you actually slowed things down more than she did.
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby IKellyI » Wed Aug 26, 2015 2:58 pm

When one is drunk, regardless if they say yes, it is not considered giving consent since that person was not in a clear state of mind. This is how most states in the US view this. So technically, it could be considered rape in that sense. That being said, you were drunk too. So who was really "raped?" I don't think either of you should consider it so nor should either consider themselves rapist. I wouldn't go into it much further than that. Statute of limitations and all... if there were a serious problem, she or you would have reported it earlier. Now it is just a thing of the past. In time your mind will create scar tissue as a defense mechanism to cope. You'll be fine.

Take seabreezeblue's point of view.
You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby NihilismOppurtunity » Thu Aug 27, 2015 8:55 am

Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't think I can confront this person and explain these things to her. She's made me out to be the perpetrator and I already just rolled over and accepted that role, just like I've accepted the blame for so many other things. I'm an abuse survivor and I've learned over the years, as a child, to not argue with people when they accuse me of things because that is how I survived as a child. Thank you everyone for being kind and understanding and giving me different perspectives on how to view this. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but I am. I'm quite depressed and even a bit suicidal about this, but I know it'll pass and I'll be okay. I just hope she doesn't spread rumors about me. :(
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby seabreezeblue » Thu Aug 27, 2015 11:57 am

you're more than welcome..

I know confronting someone is really difficult - especially if you've been blamed for so much in the past and now just believe that everything is your fault but if she says that you assaulted her again - please do try and speak up - there's no assault at all here..
Just explain to her that yes she was drunk but so were you - you couldn't have fully consented either.

The guy from my drunken night apologised the next morning and asked if i was okay - i told him that while it wouldn't have happened that quickly if i were sober - he was just as drunk as i was and we were both just being silly..
It lowers inhibitions and makes us do dumb things..
From a legal viewpoint - i seriously can't imagine a judge saying anything other than what i've said here..

You're okay - promise.. and if she does start spreading rumours - please please speak up and tell them your side of things xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby sea air service » Thu Oct 29, 2015 2:19 am

If you were both drunk then odds are you raped each other.

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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby subterfuge » Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:25 am

isn't is always the male who is at fault?

Like if a very drunk guy has sex with a very drunk girl, he's goes to prison because she was too drunk to consent.

If a very drunk guy has sex with a sober girl, there is no crime.
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Re: We were both intoxicated...

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Mar 27, 2016 5:08 pm

^^ the legal system does tend to be biased like that unfortunately - it's honestly like something out of the 1800s..


I think we still have a long way to go in equalising things because seriously, this situation should never have happened. No person should ever be held as more responsible than the other if they were both intoxicated.

*wanders off to find out how to get employed as a judge*
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