Stress and Loss of Hope

I've experienced a lot of trauma over the last twenty years. It's been hindering my ability to function for a really long time. I've toughed it out for years, but I can't take it anymore.

I tried grieving over it. I spent a month not watching any indulgent movies or indulgent TV shows. However, even after grieving, I still can't get over it.

I'm not necessarily bothered by things that weren't my fault. People abusing me was beyond my control. However, I did some things that were my fault, and these things almost ruined my life. Even in the present, my life is somewhat ruined. I'm nothing but a burden upon society, living off welfare and unemployed. I'm trying to better myself and get a job, but for complicated reasons, that is very difficult. Even if I do get a job, it will not pay off the debts I owe. I graduated from college nearly a decade ago and I've never had a job that lasted more than three months.

I'm beginning to lose all hope. Somehow, though, talking about it here seems to make it a little better. I can't explain why, but it does.

Talking does make it better, because when we do that it doesn't eat us up on the inside, it gets out of our system, at least a little bit.

I woudn't look at myself as a burden to society if I were you. It's not a crime to have hard times when we are unable to work because we are going through a crisis. It's natural and it's human to have periods of darkness in our life. We all have them and the best thing we can do at those times is to have compassion for ourselves instead of harsh moral judgments. The reason why civilized societies have government support programs like welfare and unemployment benefits is because those societies developed to the level of understanding that people experience crisises and misfortune from time to time and, as conscious beings, we need to support our fellow human beings who go through difficult times and not see them as a burden. So, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about getting government support. Use this time you have now to try to do some healing work in whatever way you can. It could be doing something you like that makes you feel good, reading good books, listening to your favorite music-whatever helps..and of course, keep talking here. It'd be great if you were able to find some state-funded clinic where you could see a therapist. You can also look for some local support groups. Meetup website is a good source to look into.

WM

Thanks, WiseMonkey, but after the depression I've been experiencing over the past five days, I don't think I'll be listening to music or watching TV for a long time. I'll watch educational programs, but beyond that, there will be no pleasure. This is not the time for celebration. It never will be.

Also, a bigger problem I have are these wild mood swings. Some times I feel extremely angry and other times, I feel a childlike giddiness. The medications are not helping.

Right now, the situation is almost as bad as it could possibly be. I'm under probation for the next six years and I can't even find a simple office job. What makes it worse is that I know of many people who are suffering just as much as I am. Particularly, Asians who are suffering in black neighborhoods. Also, being Asian makes it difficult to survive in America in general, what with the rampant racism they have in the movies and TV. Meanwhile, the people who are causing this pain are living like kings. The blacks and the whites make millions of dollars discriminating against us in the movies. They make money from other peoples' pain.

In any case, I digress. Bottom line is, if it was just me suffering, I wouldn't feel that depressed. When I see Asian people suffering, I grow even more despondent and angry.

Also, I came across a problem that will probably prevent me from becoming a well-known author. It's complicated, but right now, I have nothing to look forward to except for potential jobs that will probably lead nowhere.

This is my second posting today.

The trauma I experienced involves nearly getting expelled from school. I'm not sure if it was entirely my fault, but I still have trouble coming to terms with it. I did graduate, but the pain still remains.

I need to leave this horrible city in order to move on. To forget. However, right now, I am in a situation that prevents me from doing that. At least for a couple of years. I'm not sure I can take much more of this city.

I can't sleep now even though it's night time. Whenever I sleep, I have nightmares. I can't dream of anything good. I need an escape. I usually escape to movies and books, but I can't remain in dreamland forever.

I'd hate to say this, but I am rather pathetic. At least as I am now. That can change, but right now, I can't think of any way to improve myself. Even if I do get a job, I will still have these memories, and furthermore, it won't guarantee that I will ever be financially stable. I've been in and out of prison for the past few years. I don't want to live like this.

There is always a way out, but right now, I can't think of a way to improve myself. I'd hate to call myself pathetic, but I have to be honest with myself. I am in fact a loser.

It's interesting that you mentioned that you could be an author because I thought of the same thing when I read what you wrote about discrimination against Asians. I think it would be wonderful if you could write about it and raise public awareness about this issue. It'd also alleviate your depression because it'd give your life meaning, you'd be doing something really helpful to many people.

As far as feeling like a looser..you are not the only one..I feel like a looser every once in a while and I think everyone does. We all experience periods of darkness. They come and go just like everything in life comes and goes..

WM

Actually, I've been a loser for years on end now. I have not had a job that lasted more than three months. I've been arrested many times, most of which wasn't even my fault. I experienced extreme trauma throughout my life. I'm not sure how much longer I can be like this.

Right now, I was in the middle of writing, but I am going to have to stop because I've been staring at the computer screen for hours on end now. I must find a job. It's hard, but I must find one.

I can't take this much longer. I don't want to be on probation anymore.

What about becoming an author and writing about discrimination against Asians?

WM

Actually, I have been doing that for a while, and I've had moderate success. But my problems go deeper than that. I have personal problems that I need to deal with before I can help others.

I am not financially stable. Considering that I have a degree in film and TV, it is very difficult to find work in or out of the movie industry. Even if I do get a decent-paying job, it will be twenty years before I can repay the debts I owe. I'd hate to say this, but it looks hopeless.

All my life, I've been doing work that ultimately leads nowhere. In junior high school, I worked so hard at school that I never experienced any fun. Later on, I realized that my hard work in junior high school had no impact on college admissions or life in general. School pretty much ruined my life. I was a slave to schoolwork and to homework for 12 years. Then I nearly got expelled from college. Even though I didn't get expelled, the trauma will haunt me until the day I die.

For a while after college, I didn't even try looking for a job. I was so broken by school that I thought that doing any work was useless. I was never rewarded for any of the hard work I did in school. I thought -- why should I work if it never amounts to anything?

Obviously, it was stupid to go that long without getting a job. On top of that, jail took away a few more years of my life. I'm in my late 20s. I'm concerned that I might be homeless in the future.

Right now, I am very perplexed. Not sure what to do or what to think. But thanks for talking to me WiseMonkey. It sort of helps. I don't know why, but it helps.

I am glad you've been writing for a while and I hope you'll continue doing it. I believe, it's crucial to our health to do something that feeds our soul even if it doesn't bring any monetary rewards. If the subject of discrimination against Asians touches you deeply then you should keep writing about it and not worry about what will come out of it. I've discovered that the saddest thing in life is to spend the entire life trying to fit the societal standards or your own standards of what you should do and to never give yourself a chance to do what your soul wants you to do. If you had never started writing about what concerns you deeply, then you'd have the reason to call yourself a looser. But if you have been doing this for a while, you've been following the voice of your soul, and anyone who has the courage to follow their calling cannot be a looser, especially if what you've done so far has had a moderate success as you say. From what you describe, I get the impression that you are not giving yourself enough credit. I think you deserve a credit for a few things you've done in your life. You have been though a lot. You have survived jail. You have survived a lot of abuse. You've survived disappointments in academic system that didn't reward your hard work. You've survived and, I imagine, are continuing to survive discrimination because of your ethnic background. After having been what you have been through, you don't sound broken to me at all. Traumatized-yes, definitely, but not broken. You reach out for help by being on this forum, you are writing about things that are important to you, you are trying to figure out how to support yourself. You may be in the dark place emotionally but you don't sound like a dead person to me. I have a feeling that there is a lot of movement in you right now. The fact that you are not afraid to face your dark feelings and that you are talking about them indicates to me that things are moving and that you are going through some big changes..And changes are always painful but necessary. I am speaking from experience.

WM

Thanks, WM. I spoke to my therapist today, and he says that when people are depressed, they usually only see the negative side of things. Being too pessimistic can lead to cowardice and the prevention of doing productive things. I am not optimistic, but I am a realist. I suppose I do have some things going for me. Not much, but something.

Unfortunately, I am too tired to write at the moment. I want to sleep, but it's too early to do so, and I want to reset my circadian rhythm.