I haven't been here in a long time, which is a good thing. However, I recently came down with a major case of confusion in which I am unable to discern what to do and how to do it.
Sometimes, my anger becomes overwhelming and I feel like shouting at people who are trying to help me. Other times, I become extremely elated, and I feel like helping people who are trying to harm me. This makes no sense, and yet, it is my mental state right now.
Thus far, I haven't acted on these thoughts, but I am concerned that I might. Most of this perplexity results from the trauma I experienced long ago, and the constant threat of violence and other bad things happening in my immediate environment. I live in a major city, and I'm Asian. I'm not paranoid. These things are real dangers that happen regularly to a lot of Asians.
I also can't seem to get out of my mind the racism I faced when I was in school. In particular, this one teacher purposely did not call on me when I was raising my hand during a discussion. He just changed the subject of the conversation even though he knew I wanted to say something, and he did it with a smile. The discussion was about racial issues, and he didn't want to hear from me because he knew I was going to bring up controversial issues. Had I been black or white, he wouldn't have censored me. I can't seem to get this memory out of my mind. More so, I can't forgive myself for not speaking out. I don't need for him to call on me in order to speak.
I wonder why they hate us so much. I was on a message board a few months ago, and I brought up the issue of discrimination against Asians. I claimed that 90% of whites and blacks are discriminatory towards Asians, which is actually a fact. I was subjected to threats, insults and sadistic jokes from both white and black patrons of the board. The administrator of the board banned me, even though I did not insult them back, and I was merely expressing an opinion. He cited that I was "trolling".
I need to get back to work now, but I'm having trouble controlling my anger.