Perplexity

I haven't been here in a long time, which is a good thing. However, I recently came down with a major case of confusion in which I am unable to discern what to do and how to do it.

Sometimes, my anger becomes overwhelming and I feel like shouting at people who are trying to help me. Other times, I become extremely elated, and I feel like helping people who are trying to harm me. This makes no sense, and yet, it is my mental state right now.

Thus far, I haven't acted on these thoughts, but I am concerned that I might. Most of this perplexity results from the trauma I experienced long ago, and the constant threat of violence and other bad things happening in my immediate environment. I live in a major city, and I'm Asian. I'm not paranoid. These things are real dangers that happen regularly to a lot of Asians.

I also can't seem to get out of my mind the racism I faced when I was in school. In particular, this one teacher purposely did not call on me when I was raising my hand during a discussion. He just changed the subject of the conversation even though he knew I wanted to say something, and he did it with a smile. The discussion was about racial issues, and he didn't want to hear from me because he knew I was going to bring up controversial issues. Had I been black or white, he wouldn't have censored me. I can't seem to get this memory out of my mind. More so, I can't forgive myself for not speaking out. I don't need for him to call on me in order to speak.

I wonder why they hate us so much. I was on a message board a few months ago, and I brought up the issue of discrimination against Asians. I claimed that 90% of whites and blacks are discriminatory towards Asians, which is actually a fact. I was subjected to threats, insults and sadistic jokes from both white and black patrons of the board. The administrator of the board banned me, even though I did not insult them back, and I was merely expressing an opinion. He cited that I was "trolling".

I need to get back to work now, but I'm having trouble controlling my anger.

Hi Kenneth,

First, please point me to the studies that found how 90% of caucasians/whites are racist towards Asians. I cannot imagine it to be true, but am willing to read any articles that you refer me to. You can be assured that I am not racist towards anyone. I am going to suggest something that you might not like: Your anger over what happened in your youth has 'conferred' a lot of anger onto who you are now. Anger can bring with it paranoia at the same time, and when we are paranoid, we feel that people are out to get us. If this is in any way you, then tell me. I know what I am talking about because I had such paranoia that I eventually began 'death threating' people.

Let me say one thing: Anger will get us nowhere. Try to instead understand why people are racist. In my humble opinion, it is down to a lack of understanding and sheer ignorance. They fail to recognise that other people - i.e. those of different races - are the same as them. Moreover, they fail to recognise that they have emotions just like them, and that their persecution of them might actually hurt them. It (racism) is born from a lack of education.

Take care
Kevin

You can't imagine it to be true because you're not Asian. And there are no studies, namely because no one is willing to conduct studies. Even when there was a rash of crimes committed against Asians by blacks a few years ago, the media bent over backwards to avoid the issue of race. I grew up in an environment suffused with racism, violence, hatred and cruelty. The things I saw went beyond unfair. Even when I peacefully protested against the injustice, I was subject to threats of physical violence from people who claimed that I myself was racist for defending myself.

I'm not sure I believe that you're not racist. I remember having a conversation with you a few months ago where you mentioned that you were irish. From my experience, whites and blacks usually lie about their racism, even when they covertly discriminate against Asians.

Of course I can imagine how it feels - your case is not unique - and I can assure you that I am not racist in any shape or form. Your condemnation and assumptions about blacks/whites is something that you should analyse very closely and then relate to how you, yourself, was treated by others in the past.

Take care and the best of luck to you,
Kevin

I'm having trouble thinking clearly right now. I'm beginning to lose control of my thoughts and emotions. This is understandable considering what I've seen and experienced, but justifiability notwithstanding, I need to find a way to think clearly. I have not been able to figure this out, which is why I am posting here again.

I seem to be emotionally unstable. One minute, I feel rage, the next minute, I feel extreme sadness. I'd like to do something against the people who wronged me and my ethnic group, but I've tried everything I could think of. I succeeded a few times, but in the past few years, I have not made much progress. Doing something about the cause of one's problem is really the best cure for anything, but again, I've already tried many things, and very few things have worked over the past few years. I'm not a whiner or a crybaby. I've just run out of tactics and strategies.

Recently, I've been thinking about my life, and I realized that I seem to have incredibly bad luck. I won't get into particulars, but it seems like everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong, even though these things, in all probability, should not have happened. Perhaps there is some type of psychic field in the universe that causes some people to be lucky and others to be unlucky, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones. Regardless, I am partially to blame for a lot of bad things that have happened to me, namely because I'm not that smart. I'm aggressive and righteous, but not that bright.

I have no idea what to do now.

I just posted minutes ago, but for some reason, my mind has swung over to an emotion of extreme elation. I managed to suppress it because it's not real happiness, but it is troubling. I need to find a way to stop these rampant mood swings, and the mood stabilizers I'm taking don't seem to work.

Have you discussed these mood swings with your therapist? I think it sounds like an important point to bring up so that you can get some help to reduce this problem...

Actually, I think I'm going to fire my therapist soon. He keeps on making these wild accusations about me -- that I thrive on attention, that I'm playing mind games with him, etc. I deny these accusations, but he insists on repeating them.

He also started giving me orders, like telling me to sit up when I was slouching. I do not like this man one bit, so I'm going to find someone else.

He sounds as if he is unhelpful... Perhaps you could look into getting some therapy with someone different? You might be able to find someone who is a better fit for you...

Whether he is right or wrong, please devote time to thinking about why he would arrive at such a conclusion about you. It is important to get the opinions of others so that we know how we appear to the rest of the world.

Take care
Kevin