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Girlfriend has Ptsd

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Girlfriend has Ptsd

Postby ctrl » Sun Oct 02, 2016 8:12 am

Hi everyone,

Earlier this year I helped guide my now girlfriend through the end of an abusive relationship. She was lied to, screamed at, raped, and heavily manipulated by her ex over the course of roughly 3 years. Their relationship began to deteriorate after she found him cheating; she ended it completely when he severely beat her for apparently cheating on him (she was running errands). In that week or so I encouraged and helped her file a restraining order against him. A while after the order was served, she was diagnosed with PTSD.

So far, I have been her main source of support in the aftermath of a relationship that I've come to know had been complete hell for her. Over time she has opened up a lot to me and shared a great deal of what happened, how she felt, how she feels now, signs she missed, what she learned, and so on. And from what she tells me, everything is getting better with my help and presence.
But herein lies my problem and why I ask you all for help:

I know it's still very difficult for her. She still lives in the same general area surrounded by the same things that were present while they were together. She fears having to interact with her ex in person and by extension take up a job in the area. She says she has nightmares every single night about him. She tells me whenever she has a flashback, and what around her triggers it – never the content of the flashback itself.

The nature of what is going on in her head limits what I can do in terms of helping, so all I've done is to try and be understanding. I don't pressure her into discussions about what happened; I allow her to vent about it to me whenever she feels necessary. I listen to what she has to say without being overly critical. I give feedback wherever I can. We sometimes talk for hours. Sometimes she will just talk, and I'm always okay with that. I'm terrified for her though because there are times where she'll tell me that I simply don't understand what it's like to have a flashback, or deal with what she's fighting emotionally – as if there's no way for me to relate and console on any level. For me, it's heartbreaking to know that there's this destructive part of her that I'm apparently never going to be able to reach and influence.

What I ask you here is if there's anything I as her boyfriend can do in addition to what I've done. As someone who does not suffer from PTSD, what are some things I can do to be a better supporter for someone who does? Is there anything major I could possibly overlook?
ctrl
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Re: Girlfriend has Ptsd

Postby Terry E. » Mon Oct 03, 2016 6:32 am

She is so lucky to have you, .. seriously.

If someone had asked me what to do, I would have pretty well, described what you are doing.

A couple of things.

This has just happened. It will improve. It will be slow, and sometimes it may feel like two steps forward, two steps back.

When she says you can't understand, don't take that as a knock on you. She may mean that "there is no way she can put into words, the pain that she feels at times."

Don't ever push her to open up about her experiences. If it is all going well, she will gradually tell you more, as she wants you to understand. We all want our loved ones to understand.

My issues are a long, long time ago. Even to my wife, I cannot verbally articulate what happened to me. It causes a rage fuelled shut down. I can write it up in great detail, but as I hear the words that I speak,.. it is simply too much. The pyschs would say it is re-traumatising. So if she goes there, let it happen, but never think pushing her to open up will help.

As she lives in the are, do what you both can to avoid triggers. Places that she used to go to, maybe foods they used to eat, music, TV shows, anything that was unique to that relationship.

With triggers, if you are alert you may pick up on them. They could be loud sounds, sharp sounds, smells, places, places at certain times (night / morning) and as you get to know them try and avoid them for now. Chances are some of these will fade, just like those nightmares.
Terry E.
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