I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm makes me so angry to read you have to wait a lot for your counseling, because this is not the way to help a person with PTSD
i do not have PTSD, but i dealt with someone who did/ does, so i hope my words will be of some help.
There is good and there is bad news. The bad news is that PTSD never goes away, the good news is that with a positive and stable environment, things will become almost normal.
I understand you feel like you can't let anyone close to you.. However you need at least one person whom you can trust. They need to be there next to you at almost all times. [i slept in the same bed with that friend of mine when things were really bad and told them to wake me up no matter what if they were scared or even needed water. I had the lightest sleep at that time]
My triggers seem to be if I feel shame, unworthy, and/or attacked in any form.
This is perfectly normal to feel if you have PTSD. If you managed to keep at least one trustworthy person around, they should be able to tell you positive affirmations that would chase away those emotions.
I can only imagine that having to beg your mother for help would make you feel shame, but don't. Parents have the duty to protect their kids. Children with parents should be grateful they still have them around to help when needed. [i hope your mom did help you].
I understand that letting someone close could make you feel trapped, but a true friend won't do that. [or at least shouldnt, because if they do, they're not real friends].. i suck at making friends, so i have no idea how to find a suitable one. what i do know, is that they would stay even when pushed away. however they would go further with a minimum of understanding of PTSD...
i would recommend you asked for a *mod edit*. i used to be an angry person, and i still burst into anger from time to time, [insert commercial time and voice lol] but since i started taking some *mod edit* i feel less stressed, and the anger outbursts happened less and less.
of course, i don't know how you feel about taking medication, therefore listening to my advice is completely up to you.
just try and take each day as it comes, and don't blame yourself too much for what happened or for your reactions. it seems everything was out of your control, and i'm sure you did the best that you could with what you had.
REcovery is on its way.. stay strong
CB.