This is my first post here, I'm looking to meet other who are suffering with PTSD like myself and see if we can all share advice and tips on overcoming and dealing with it.
I have a question that I REALLY need some help with.
First just a little background. I've had more events in my life happen to me to cause my diagnosed PTSD than I can count. I'm a 27 year old female. I was first molested for years by my uncle when I was 8, 2 men broke into my house and raped me, I was drugged at a bar and raped, I got into a car accident during winter and was stuck under my flipped over car for hours all alone, got beaten up by my first boyfriend causing my nose and 6 teeth to break, I had a man I was seeing shoot himself in the head right infront of me, my only grandmother who was the strongest and bravest woman in the world died in my arms... The list goes on. Lets just say, I haven't had an easy life. I've seen more therapist and doctors than I can count as well. Most can't handle my case, say its to "extreme"
I met a man about 2 year ago (Mike) and I was doing abit better when we first started dating. I was able to keep my demons and fears hidden because he was such a sweet guy. Like this man was the only person I loved more than myself. We moved in together and that's kinda when the sh*t hit the fan. I got ill and had to take medical leave (Unrelated to my PTSD) and he lost his high paying job due to me (I won't go into details)
Anyways to the point. We've been living together about 8 months and almost since we moved in together my PTSD just started to become unbearable.
What happens to me is when something reminds me of a past trauma or anything like that happens, I blackout. Now during my blackouts, I've said some of the most horrible things in the world to Mike. Things like "I'm going to kill you" "I'm going to take your house and leave you on the street" "I never really loved you" etc... Just mean and evil things.
The thing is I have NO recollection at all of me saying these things to him. Only when I'm confronted by him or I ask him if something's bothering him will he tell me what I said.
Needless to say our relationship has taken a serious nose dive. Our once perfect union has turned into him just hating me. He says he hates his life, wants me to leave, and even says he'll never forget the things I've said to him.
I understand why he feels this way, I just don't know what I can do!
We agreed to give it to the end of the month to really try "make it work"
I love this man more than anything and I'm willing to do anything to prove to him this, I just don't know how. I've told him I don't remember saying these things, I'm sorry, I don't mean them... But he just can't forget what I've told him.
Does anyone have ANY idea or tips on how to save a relationship? I subjected couples therapy, but we hardly have any money for that and live paycheck to paycheck.
How can I truly prove that I don't remember these things and not only help myself but help him?
Because I've really hurt him and it hurts me more knowing I hurt a loved one.
I thank you all for reading and accept all advice, tips, or even exercises we can do to strengthen our once strong relationship.