Ever since I was about 15 or 16, I began to notice a distinct attraction to girls as young as 9. As I've grown up the parameters have changed somewhat, and now it's more of a 9-15yr old attraction, and honestly I hate how I feel, I'd love to be normal and have normal sexual views, but I can't seem to turn off the feelings and desires.
It's important to note that I have never touched a child inappropriately, nor have I put myself in an inappropriate situation with a child. Honestly, in person I don't even sense much of an attraction to a child, its when I'm alone that the thoughts creep up on me. It's more about control, power, and oddly...love. It's hard to explain.
It's also important to note that I am a virgin. I'm 27 years old and I'm a virgin. A big part of this, I think, is that I feel like I am completely asexual in person. I have my fantasies, and I masturbate, but when in person with a child or a woman, I feel almost nothing. I have tried so hard to control my thoughts and my feelings, and it's working somewhat, but I think that the control I'm trying to exert over my wants are actually just making me completely numb towards sex and love.
I work 40 hours a week, the rest of my hours are spent at home, happily tucked away in my own world. I don't go out, I don't have friends, I don't have time for anyone but myself. I like this in a way, but I also hate it (abstractly) as I know I could be a good man, I know that I could have friends, I know that I could be happy; but I'm just scared.
I live in constant fear that someone will find out what I'm hiding, they'll finally see me for the horrible person I am, and they'll tell the world and I'll be even more alone than I am now. I hate the thought of my parents finding out what their son has become, what my brother (who has 3 kids of his own) would think of his brother, the pedophile.
I started going to a psychologist two weeks ago, as I have severe anxiety and am extremely overactive (ADHD, never took meds as I have always had a problem with the medications they give for ADHD). I want to know if I can bring up any of these things to him without there being any repercussions. I know they are supposed to keep everything confidential, but I work at a Health Clinic, and we do offer pediatric services, so I don't know if that would be considered "endangering a child" if he didn't tell. I work on the Admin side of things and have almost no contact with any patients.
Anyways, I know at some point people should know, I'm just not ready to tell them yet. I like my psychologist and would tell him everything, but I just don't know how to broach the subject. Also, I'd love to be in a healthy relationship some day, and I'd love to think that at some point maybe I'd be a good dad, but for now I'd just settle for stopping what I'm doing and having rational and logical ideas and fantasies.