I'm new to this site, and I'm seeking words of wisdom. I'm sick of feeling like a terrible person, and I'm not sure where else to turn. I was doing research and saw many stories similar to that of my own, so I'm hoping maybe I can find some small dose of salvation here.
I'm 18. For the most part, my sex fantasies are normal. Some, not so much. I have never felt bad about any of my fantasies until just recently. I don't know what triggered it, but they are putting me in mental agony. I started having sex at 14. My first time was with an older girl (17). Before that, I had only mastrubated. I had no clue what sex really was. But after that first time, I became a bit obsessive. At first all my fantasies were run-of-the-mill boy stuff. Babysitters, teachers, etc. Then things got more....Taboo. It started with the idea of cheating spouses and extreme age differences, but eventually led to things like incest (which is where my true problem lies), rape assimilation, and beastiality. Now, don't get me wrong, I have morals. The idea of rape, incest, and inter-species for real disgusts me. However, I get a lot of pleasure from reading ficticious stories about incest, and have indulged in videos (that claim they are of incest, I am not sure if they are real or just actors), and beasiality. It doesn't mean I want to act on them, but I get off to the idea. On the other hand, I have actually done rape ASSIMILATION. I did this with an ex girlfriend. She was into it, and had to ask me several times to do it. What scares me is that I didn't mind it. Throughout the course of our relationship, it happened several times. Each time we both enjoyed it.
But as I said, the true guilt I am suffering is from the incest fantasies. I suppose this bothers me so much more because I live with my mom and younger sister. Again, I have never wanted to act on these fantasies. I just feel disgusted that I can enjoy these things while I live with them. My mother has always been my best friend, and my sister idolizes me. I can't imagine how they would look at me if they knew my dirty secret.... My family has always been that of devout Christians, a view I do not share. But I know I cannot tell anyone, because they won't understand. I mean, could you imagine telling your mother you were turned on by such an awful thing? I want help, and peace of mind, but I just don't know what to do. I'm single, so I don't have to worry about a significant other. I only care about my family, and what they think of me. I can't bare the thought of any of them looking on me badly.
I explained everything I can think of right now. I really need advice, and perhaps a kind word. I'm a genuinely good guy. I just don't know what to make of these dark qualities. If I've left anything out, or you have questions in order to give advice, don't hesitate to ask. I need the help.