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Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

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Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby skimmer » Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:56 pm

I've been reading the post in this forum and find myself compelled to write.

My father is a pedohile. His illness, and I do think of it as an illness, has touched people in ways he will never know. For years my father sexually abuse my brother. The consequences of that, beyond the torture my brother endured, was that my brother in turn abused me for the bulk of my childhood- until he moved out.

My father went on to use the internet to befriend and ultimately abuse young boys. He married a woman because she had young boys, and abused them too. He eventually went to jail for his crimes. But, he left behind many people struggling with his actions.

I have not spoken to my father since he went to jail. I cannot bring myself to do it. Not only have I suffered, but so many other people have suffered. I never knew the awful despicable truth about my father until the charges came and jail. All I knew was that I was abused... but once it all came out I realized the huge chain of events that had occured.

Knowing that I'm a child of a pedophile is shaming. It's one of the worst crimes there is and my own father did it for years. Both my brother and I have a hard time coping with this and I'm sure the boys my father abused still struggle to this day.

I wanted to wrtie this because to all of those posting here wondering if they are pedophiles or know they are- please seek help. I don't really know what help is out there but the alternative is so far reaching and destructive. You will suffer, your family will suffer, and most importantly your victims will suffer. No matter how you try to rationalize it- they are victims. You are stealing their childhood. Your actions will create ripples of pain in the lives of countless people. Do you want that much suffering on your hands?
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby Rainbow_Sunshine » Sun Apr 10, 2011 9:36 pm

I´m sorry for what happened to you and to your family.
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby tlkproxy » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:16 pm

Well, I’m not sure if you were wanting or expecting a reply from a pedophile, but I was compelled to reply anyway.

I’m really, genuinely sorry that happened to you, and to your brother. I can see from your other posts that your experiences have clearly had a horrendously painful effect on you and sound like they will continue to do so for some time to come.

Just know that not every one of us is like your dad. Some of us do care about the suffering of others and want no part in causing it.

Believe it or not, what you’ve described is exactly that kind of behaviour that makes me angry! If I could do anything to prevent others out there doing that kind of thing then I would. We’re all tainted by the actions of a selfish minority.

Not that you’ll care, but I used to self-harm and attempted suicide twice before I was twenty. Luckily, i was able to rationlize my way out of thinking that way, it was going to lead to something destructive either to me or to a child! They were the only two options i could see at the time.

I’ve never tried to rationalize abuse, which is clearly unjustifiable and we all know it, but it’s about trying to make sense of why the hell we’re like this in the first place, or whether we even have the right to exist? It’s difficult not to think of myself as the lowest and most vile scum on the planet, and that comes from years of being told that I’m a ‘pedophile’ just like your dad. But i assure you i'm not.

I know it sounds absurd, but I do feel guilty for other people’s crimes, as though all pedophiles are somehow collectively to blame for each other’s actions and it’s driving me crazy! I guess we all have our own vicious cycles to overcome.

Once again, I’m really sorry for your trauma and thanks for posting.
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby skimmer » Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:24 am

tlkproxy:
I wasn't sure if a pedophile would respond. When I returned to the board and saw yours- I was nervous. What would it say- did I offend anyone, did I cause someone who wanted to help to hide? My intentions were not to do that.

Since you did answer I have a few questions. I want to take advantage of this oppotunity. You see, I cannot ask my father these questions and even though you say you are not like him.... I think you might have some insight.

I have noticed that several people posting in this forum differentiate themselves as being a pedohpile but not an abuser of children. I am confused by this. Would you explain the difference?

I just know that as a victim of sexual abuse- being used by an adult (or someone significantly older) for their sexaul gratification had severe long term affects. Not only for me, but for my whole family.

Having said that, I would like to learn what your experience is. I know my side of the "story", but what is the pedophiles side? I don't know if I'll ever be able to have "closure" with my father, but I feel like trying to figure it all out would help. So if you are willing to help explain this to me, I'm willing to listen with an open mind. Not to say this isn't hard- but it is something I want to do.

I would really appreciate "hearing" from you.
~Skimmer
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby tlkproxy » Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:44 am

skimmer wrote:did I offend anyone, did I cause someone who wanted to help to hide?


You’re post didn’t but many other’s do. I don’t think victims care or realize that we start off as young people too and it’s hard being scared by other people's hatred all the time.

skimmer wrote:Since you did answer I have a few questions. I want to take advantage of this oppotunity.


Please do, I wish more people would take an interest. And if a q&a session brings you a few answers which go some way towards the healing process, then I’m happy to oblige.

skimmer wrote:I just know that as a victim of sexual abuse- being used by an adult (or someone significantly older) for their sexaul gratification had severe long term affects.


Again, I’m sorry about this. I’ve grown up hearing and reading hundreds of stories of victims and every one of them is another dagger in my chest.

skimmer wrote:I have noticed that several people posting in this forum differentiate themselves as being a pedohpile but not an abuser of children. I am confused by this. Would you explain the difference?


It’s very controversial and different people seem to think differently on the subject. It has sparked extreme and sometimes hostile reactions in pedophiles to have the word used in reference to abuse. Basically, the difference is that technically, scientifically and psychologically the term “pedophile” is in reference to the attraction itself, it DOES NOT mean that anyone who has that attraction will abuse children or treat them in horrendous ways.

It’s practically an insult to the struggle that we go through every day to not draw any distinction. It’s not just you, of course, but the whole world out there doesn’t seem to believe that there is any difference between someone who is inherently this way (pedophile) and someone who abuses children (child-molester/child-rapist). The word pedophile is banded around and used interchangably to the point where there doesn’t seem to be any distinction at all, which is very confusing for us. If a pedophile is someone who has the attraction AND someone who abuses children, then what the hell are we who don’t abuse? Maybe we need a new word for it.

If you want me to elaborate further or ask any more questions, please do. Sorry if I sound a bit abrupt but it’s late here and I’m tired.
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby Blben » Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:44 am

Being a pedophile is not as easy as some think it is. I am sorry that your dad was and is a pedophile and I am sorry that he hurt people. Yet some of us that are pedophiles are not like that, some of us do not act on our desires and live in a society where we are looked down upon as the scum of the earth and that really sucks. I mean sometimes I wish I were normal and didn't have these desires but it is who I am and I am tired of running away from that. So hang in there and please don't dump every pedophile into the same boat, we are all different.
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby anonymous112 » Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:04 pm

Skimmer,

I'm really sorry for what happened to you as a child, no one should endure what you did and it's a shame things like this are still happening. I'm not to sure if I should be posting on this but I just had to speak my mind, I must say i compleatly agree with Blben, he's right how not all of us are the same, luckily for Blben he is tired of running away but I'm still doing that myself and it's really annoying but life for me at the moment is not so great. I myself am only 15 and it was about 3 years ago when I discovered what I was, I botteled it up for so long that I ended up coming here, I'm not finding this easy either although it may be harder for me than some others because i pass thousands of kids every day in school. I know my story is not want you wanted to hear but i just wanted to prove myself as an example of 'Someone getting help', I'm determined to get over this but i cant do it alone and i dont think anyone else can either.

Take care.
"Among creatures born into chaos, a majority will imagine an order, a minority will question the order, and the rest will be pronounced insane." ~Robert Brault,
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby Bedopear » Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:32 am

i came across this thread (as i do many just like it) while searching for discussions of paedophilia. im a paedophile, which means i love children (that is the literal translation of the word). i also am physically attracted to, and have an emotional attachment to children. i have to admit, it is very difficult to understand why people do the horrible things, such as what you you described your father as doing, to children. there really is a fundamental difference between paedophiles (those who love children) and abusers. its very black and white to me... either you love them, or you have no regard for them or their well being. i used to day dream about hitting my boss over the head with a shovel, but i could never bring myself to do something so vicious in real life. in much the same way, i may feel a strong physical attraction to the young girl sitting next to me, but that doesnt mean i would EVER do anything inappropriate with her. i wouldnt be able to live with myself. its just like when i meet a gorgeous adult woman... no matter how badly i want to have my way with her, i cant simply act upon it. i wish those things had not happened to you and your brother. that is truly awful. i hope that you dont carry hate in your heart and i hope that you and your brother heal from it. i think it might do you some good if you and your brother discussed these things openly so that your mind and soul has a chance to properly digest it. anytime we go through a traumatic experience, our mind replays the scenario(s) over and over in order to compartmentalise it and make sense of it and some open communication might aid in the healing process. please know that paedophiles are not monsters. we are ALL responsible for our actions. im sure everyone has inappropriate thoughts, whether it be killing your boss, cheating with your neighbor's wife, or shooting the neighbor's barking dog that keeps you up at night. what differentiates us is our connection to reality.. our ability to control ourselves no matter the urge or magnitude thereof. this seems like a bit of a ramble im sure, but hopefully the feedback is well accepted. i am available to talk any time about anything and i welcome all questions and inquiries. -"pete"
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby reader61 » Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:40 am

My father is a convicted pedophile. My understanding is some of the accusations stem from before he was married and no one came forwarded until maybe 15 years ago now. He was sentenced to 7 years and served half. He has been out probably 7 years already and I do not believe he has changed. If given the opportunity I believe he would offend again. the way he talks, the way he looks at young girls, the shows he watches, the gleem in his eyes and the smirk on his face, you just know he is thinking inappropriate thoughts, imaging what he could be doing and as far as I am concerned that is just a bad as committing the sin. He picks and chooses when and where he starts performing, never in front of my mom, but let her turn her back or go to the washroom, he's flirting with the waitresses immediately and when she returns he stops. Is it appropriate for an 80 yr old to watch Kate Plus Eight? Everyone is responsible for their own actions as you say, but I see a problem with him and can not wait to have him out of our lives. I would not trust him or you with a young child as how do you stop yourself crossing that line and once crossed the damage is done. There is no fixing the harm. I do not agree this is an illness. Illness means you are sick, when you are sick you go to a doctor, How many pedophiles seek help before they do any damage? I do not believe in the excuse that many pedophiles are abused themselves therefore they will abuse others. The domino stops here with me. I will not allow what happened to me, happen to my children. If something happened to me that I did not like I did not repeat it onto my own kids. Why would anyone beat or abuse anyone becuase it happened to them. Why hurt when you were hurt. Does not makes sense to me. Anyway, this was not my question and will need to get that in next time, but had to share my own thoughts, right or wrong.
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Re: Thoughts from a child of a pedophile

Postby Onebravegirl » Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:54 pm

Reader, I agree with what you posted here. And if a person says they are sick and they cannot help it. they are using their illness as permission to misbehave.
A truly remorseful person would not be putting himself in situations that could stimulate unhealthy thinking. A recovering Alcoholic has the sense to not hang out in a bar. A Pedo who wants to be responsible for his Illness, need s to STAY AWAY from children. On tv, or any other way. I am so sorry that your father is the way he is. I am also very happy that you see that you are in no way like him.
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