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Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

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Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby UKLad25 » Thu Apr 01, 2010 12:27 am

Hi, I'm new here and wanted to share my story with you all.

I'd like to apologize in advance for what I'm about to write as from having a brief browse of this forum, I can see some of the horrific abuse some members have suffered and which causes them ongoing suffering. I hope that whilst seeking redemption from discussion with you all that I can in some menial way offer some comfort in the opposite direction.

I'll start from the begginning. Now like many boys I was an avid fan of browsing for online pornography when I was young. I had a computer in my room and my parents never monitored my access. I was a loner kid as a young teen who never had girlfriends and didn't lose my virginity until much later in life. I don't think I have ever been abused however I have an extremely lacking memory of my very young childhood and am too scared of implanting false memories to do any further digging.

Now whilst the large majority of my online pornographic appetite was your run of the mill boy meets girl, they have sex porn. However through sheer curiousity I'd seen some pretty hardcore stuff at a young age. Now for some reason I ended up on an online written erotica site at the age of about 14 years old. As anyone whose ever read erotica online is surely aware, incest is an extremely popular topic. At some stage reading this material something must've stuck.

I'm now 25 years old. I find the idea of true incest horrific. I've often tested myself by thinking about real life father/daughter pairings I know in real life and asking would the idea of incest between them arouse me and the answer is unanimously NO. I'm aroused solely by stylized erotic incestuous stories. Now I'm pretty certain it's not the incest in this dynamic that I find arousing. Stories of sibling incest and mother/son incest even when there is a uneven power dynamic do absolutely nothing for me. Afterall I have a younger sister and a mother and the idea of sex with them makes me want to vomit.

Also whilst browsing this material I have kept within some form of limit. I've only ever enjoyed it when there is no nonconsensual element and no minors present in any form (not just because of limits but because I only find girs of legal age attractive). Even then some of it is just a bit too creepy for me and I've chosen not to indulge. Mostly for this reason I stick to stepfamilial stuff to eradicate the blood relative element or maybe teen girl/mum's new boyfriend stuff however at certain times I have read ones where they have not been stepparents/mums new boyfriend.

Recently, my past pornography tastes have bothered me more than usual. From googling, I found stories of wives saying they had found this type of material on their husbands/boyfriends PC and what to do? The answers are about 50/50 from those who say 'he's a sicko, leave him' and 'it's just a fantasy and doesnt indicate he really wants to do this stuff in real life'.

I unfortunately have had mild depression for about 5 years but recently I've taken a step down. Although it disgusts me and I wish I could change this about myself but no someone cannot change their fetish. What I think is triggering my melt down is that I thought if my girlfriend knew this about me, would she recoil in horror and never want to see me again? She is a very sweet and somewhat innocent girl and imagining her reactions are churning in my gut. It made me think if knowing this a girl like her could never love me, then what would be the point in living anymore. And to keep it to myself feels like lying by omission and would be living a fraud life an her love would not be justified because I'd always be thinking what if she knew 'the real me'.

In the last 4-5 months I've started to severely worry about my mental health. I've gone from having rare suicidal ideation to having very frequent suicidal ideation. I sit at work in such a constant obsessive mental barrage that I must come off like a zombie to my coworkers. I'm sure my family has noticed changes in my behaviour also. The thing is I don't think I even have the salvation of suicide to consider. I couldn't do it to my mum but then the obsessive part of my brain says 'what good are you going to be to her when you're so distant and zombified all the time, surely better to go out in a blaze of glory whilst they still have loving memores of you rather than eventually erode away that love until you become someone they resent'

If you've read this far then I salute you. Please give me your thoughts.

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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby jasmin » Thu Apr 01, 2010 3:30 pm

Hi, UKLad! I moved this topic to the fetish forum, as it's more appropriate.
Look, you're not a bad person and you haven't hurt any one. You do seem to have a little control over this fetish since you don't fantasize about blood relatives and I don't think you'd be in danger of hurting any one since you wouldn't want to do anything with members of your family. Maybe it's about power and control in your fantasies, since they involve a younger person. A psych could help you find out why you like this stuff and maybe help you get over it. What do you think?
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby UKLad25 » Thu Apr 01, 2010 7:42 pm

Thankyou for taking the time to reply, Jasmin.

I'm terrified of the prospect to be honest.

It feels like whilst this is all up in my head then it doesn't hold any true weight.

I imagine saying this to my girlfriend and it feels like a canyon between 'oh i get off on a bit of mild older man/younger woman roleplay with incestuous overtones' to 'oh yeah i'm turned on by the suggestion of incest and had to go and see a therapist to stop me from killing myself over it'

One seems like the honest admission of a guy that got over it and got on with living again and the other, the kind of $#%^ molesters have to do to be rehabilitated to be let back into society.

It's the constant war between my two psyches. One side is saying 'you can't control your fantasies, you experiment with your sexuality in a way that is no harm to others and it's ok to not declare every perverse thought that enters your head to your girlfriend because it's a mans actions that he's judged by' I want to support that side of my brain.

I think I have have a form of pure 'o' obsessive compulsive disorder after reading Imp Of The Mind and thats what keeps my head in a constant flux.

I'm interested to hear from any other sufferers. How do people cope with keeping their fetishes under wraps and do you feel this is your right and not deceit?
Last edited by UKLad25 on Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby jasmin » Fri Apr 02, 2010 11:53 am

I hope other people who have fetishes will reply and let you know how they're dealing with it. You could just tell your girlfried that you went to a therapist because you wanted to hear from a professional that there was nothing wrong with you. You could get help for ocd if you have it, too.
You don't have to tell her right away, do it when you feel ready, I guess. It's your own health and peace of mind that you have to put first.
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby UKLad25 » Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:42 pm

Hi jasmin, do you think you could move this to the wider paraphliac room as there doesn't appear to be much traffic here. Many Thanks.

To other users, is it acceptable to keep a fantasy to yourself. Surely your fantasy world is your own private mental domain and yours to disclose as you chose. Obviously there are benefits to be being completely open about what turns you on but should this be your own decision to make. Since I don't ethically endorse my fantasies then they don't change the person I am. The essential good person inside me is not null and void so therefore I have nothing to confess? Your views please.

From what I've read most people have secret turns on that they will not disclose to partners because they know it would not square ethically with their partners dependent upon how conservative they are. I truly believe my issue falls under this umbrella.
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby jasmin » Mon Apr 05, 2010 3:53 pm

Moved :)
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby SmileXx » Mon Apr 05, 2010 5:58 pm

Dont' let this eat you alive.
I've had fantasies of doing things with my sister...
It revolts me now, but it happened... and I can't deny it didn't.

So long as it never leaves your head, you've done nothing wrong.
I have weird, sick, deranged thoughts all the time.
So long as I don't ACTUALLY skin my neighbor alive and wear his skin like a suit then I'm not doing anything wrong, even by Christian standards.

^_^
crimsonandclover wrote:Sometimes the greatest source is from within. And accepting whats in there.

veloruia wrote:We all have a bit of Smile in us.

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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby Clelia » Sat Apr 10, 2010 2:06 am

Uklad25,

I have read your post with immense relief. I am so relieved to learn that there are other people who feel horribly guilty about reading erotic fiction on incest. It may surprise you, but my story is very similar to yours, although I am a woman (and a few years older than you ). I have always been a quite shy person and rather a loner. I have been a devout Catholic for most of my life (I still believe in God, but I no longer consider myself as a Catholic) and until I was 25, I did not engage in any form of sexual activity. It was not at all difficult for me because I never felt the need to release sexual tension, or at least I was not aware of such a need, although I was certainly not asexual. Everything changed when I quite accidentally came across some erotic stories on the Web. They were so arousing that I had an orgasm for the first time in my life. I felt very guilty and ashamed afterwards, but since this day I have become addicted to erotic fiction. And when I discovered stories on incest, to my astonishment and shame I found them particularly arousing.. Especially father-daughter stories, although in reality I have never felt any erotic interest for my father. Real incest is horrible and sickening to me, but somehow I can't stop reading such stories (I have tried to stop countless times). I am unable to masturbate without reading them and this is certainly the main source of my addiction. I had very bad relations with my father when I still lived with my parents: who knows, maybe it contributed in some way to my problem ? As a very young girl I read a passage of a Henry Miller's novel where the narrator wonders if his lover's father has been aroused by his daughter. I was shocked, but also fascinated by this passage. Perhaps it influenced in some way my later behaviour.

I have never spoken of my problem to anybody. Once I told my mother that I felt very guilty about reading erotic fiction and she reassured me that it was normal, but I didn't tell her how much I was aroused by stories on incest, I was too afraid and ashamed to talk about this. And when I was in a relationship, just like you I thought that my significant other would be sickened and maybe even terrified if he learnt what kind of erotic fiction I read.

I don't know if I should try to stop reading such stories and if it is possible to stop. Sometimes I think that it is probably normal to feel aroused by such "taboo" fiction, but anyway it is depressing to think that I would always have to hide this "dirty" secret from the people I love. At other times, I think that I must have some serious mental health problem, that a normal woman would never be aroused by such fiction. I have tried countless times to stop reading ALL kinds of erotic fiction or to limit myself to "normal" stories, but I have never managed to reach my goals. Tonight I feel so guilty and worthless because of this habit that I decided to try to abstain from reading all kinds of erotic fiction for at least 2 weeks (I always read them at least once a week). I would like so much to be able to free myself from this problem. Who knows, maybe you could also try to abstain from reading erotic fiction for, say, one week or two weeks ? Thank you once more for having talked about your problem, I am so relieved not to be alone.
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby SmileXx » Sat Apr 10, 2010 2:29 pm

Incest is pretty common in fanfic and fandom stories...
And there is a ridiculously large market for that sort of thing...

It's not really uncommon to enjoy reading it, you know.

I like fandom... I'm more of a brother on brother or sister on sister kind of girl, but it's not uncommon at all.

It's not really anything to be ashamed of, either.
I mean if you go out and sleep with your father or daughter or whatever... that's wrong...
But there's nothing wrong with reading it.
It's interesting and creates a fascination for even the most conservative person, whether they'd openly admit it or not.
Sort of like the mass fascination with car crashes and the possibility that someone died...
The fascination is "that could be me..."
Same thing with fandom...

I, currently, really enjoy fandom based around Supernatural...
Which is about two brothers battling evil...
But the fandom is about two brothers having a lot of sex with each other while weird supernatural crap goes on in the background story...
I'm not ashamed of it.

Especially when Sam & Dean (the brothers) look like this...
OMG this picture is so exemplifying my point... I'm so excited that I found it...
Image
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Re: Guilt over incest fantasies are eating me from the inside...

Postby freud » Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:21 pm

Were you separated from your sister when you were younger. If so it is possible that you're dealing with GSA. Check out www.geneticsexualattraction.com it is a forum especially geared for this subject.
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