I just found this forum and would really appreciate your opinion on this:
I have been married for 4 years and things are not going too well. Part of the reason is that my desire to see my wife in corsets or other restrictive clothing such as old-fashioned girdles, high heels, etc. is causing us a lot of grief.
I am in my mid 30s and have had this fetish since my teenage years. When I met my wife I told her that I like corsets, girdles and basically all things feminine. She was - and still is - a very warm hearted person and went along with it at the time. Even though I had some faint doubts, she convinced me that she also likes it as well. Maybe not to the point of wearing corsets all the time, but I figured that would not be realistic to expect and therefore is something I can live with.
In other words, I think I made it reasonably clear to her that these things are important to me, even though the word "fetish" was never used. When I proposed to here, after giving her the ring, I actually had another package prepared. It contained a substantial retro-still girdle with lace, garter-clips and boning. I had thought about this long and hard, but decided to do it, to send a clear message that this should be part of our marriage as well. I actually brought it across in a humorous way and we both laughed.
Fast forward to now:
Her enthusiasm for all things tight and feminine has severely waned. Even worse, she has a very strong negative reaction to any kind of pressure. Not just from tight clothing, but also any other pressure that life throws at us - may that be work, household, family, etc. And it turns out, that has always been the case: while growing up, when she was married to her first husband, and now with me. Ideally she would probably just want to tend to the garden, cook and bake. Those are the things she likes.
Our sex life has been infrequent for a long time and non-existent during the last two months. Very rarely did she wear any of the things that turn me on during sex. And that girdle she got after I proposed - it fits her, but she never wore it.
I am disappointed on several levels and I would like your opinion:
I know that my obsession with corsets and girdles is not "normal", but I also feel that it is not necessarily damaging if practiced consensually. When the first conflicts arose, she told me that she lost enjoyment in these things because I put too much pressure on her - which I probably did. She said she needed time to start enjoying it again.
I looked into treatment options for myself. Something in me resists any talk based therapy because I feel that any attempt to change my sexual preferences would be similar to trying to convert a gay person - futile. Yes, I could maybe learn mechanisms to suppress it or divert myself, but I feel that would be a constant drain of energy.
So I asked my doctor for pharmaceutical options: I went on anti-androgens for a while. It lessened my fetish thoughts, but also killed my libido - obviously. My wife felt guilty and didn't like the fact that we had no sex at all during that time. I have now been taking Effexor for about a year. It also works, but in a slightly different way. My desire for sex is reduced by not completely gone. My fetish desires are also reduced and it doesn't upset me too much if I don't get what I desire.
I have not been pushing my wife during the last year, something she acknowledges. She however, has not changed. The slightest hint towards my desires gets her defensive.
Looking back at the last year, while I'm generally happy taking the Effexor, there is still this lingering feeling of disappointment and betrayal. This is not how I had envisioned our marriage to be like.... And I don't really know where to go from here....
Your comments are appreciated!