Our partner

Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Paraphilias message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: WichitaLineman

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of a sexual nature, some of which are explicit. The topics discussed may be offensive to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

This forum is intended to be a place where people can support each other in finding healing and healthy ways of functioning. Discussions that promote illegal activity will not be tolerated. Please note that this forum is moderated, and people who are found to be using this forum for inappropriate purposes will be banned. Psychforums works hard to ensure that this forum is law abiding. Moderators will report evidence of illegal activity to the police.

Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby mbr197 » Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:15 pm

Hello everyone,

I just found this forum and would really appreciate your opinion on this:

I have been married for 4 years and things are not going too well. Part of the reason is that my desire to see my wife in corsets or other restrictive clothing such as old-fashioned girdles, high heels, etc. is causing us a lot of grief.

I am in my mid 30s and have had this fetish since my teenage years. When I met my wife I told her that I like corsets, girdles and basically all things feminine. She was - and still is - a very warm hearted person and went along with it at the time. Even though I had some faint doubts, she convinced me that she also likes it as well. Maybe not to the point of wearing corsets all the time, but I figured that would not be realistic to expect and therefore is something I can live with.

In other words, I think I made it reasonably clear to her that these things are important to me, even though the word "fetish" was never used. When I proposed to here, after giving her the ring, I actually had another package prepared. It contained a substantial retro-still girdle with lace, garter-clips and boning. I had thought about this long and hard, but decided to do it, to send a clear message that this should be part of our marriage as well. I actually brought it across in a humorous way and we both laughed.

Fast forward to now:
Her enthusiasm for all things tight and feminine has severely waned. Even worse, she has a very strong negative reaction to any kind of pressure. Not just from tight clothing, but also any other pressure that life throws at us - may that be work, household, family, etc. And it turns out, that has always been the case: while growing up, when she was married to her first husband, and now with me. Ideally she would probably just want to tend to the garden, cook and bake. Those are the things she likes.

Our sex life has been infrequent for a long time and non-existent during the last two months. Very rarely did she wear any of the things that turn me on during sex. And that girdle she got after I proposed - it fits her, but she never wore it.

I am disappointed on several levels and I would like your opinion:

I know that my obsession with corsets and girdles is not "normal", but I also feel that it is not necessarily damaging if practiced consensually. When the first conflicts arose, she told me that she lost enjoyment in these things because I put too much pressure on her - which I probably did. She said she needed time to start enjoying it again.

I looked into treatment options for myself. Something in me resists any talk based therapy because I feel that any attempt to change my sexual preferences would be similar to trying to convert a gay person - futile. Yes, I could maybe learn mechanisms to suppress it or divert myself, but I feel that would be a constant drain of energy.

So I asked my doctor for pharmaceutical options: I went on anti-androgens for a while. It lessened my fetish thoughts, but also killed my libido - obviously. My wife felt guilty and didn't like the fact that we had no sex at all during that time. I have now been taking Effexor for about a year. It also works, but in a slightly different way. My desire for sex is reduced by not completely gone. My fetish desires are also reduced and it doesn't upset me too much if I don't get what I desire.

I have not been pushing my wife during the last year, something she acknowledges. She however, has not changed. The slightest hint towards my desires gets her defensive.

Looking back at the last year, while I'm generally happy taking the Effexor, there is still this lingering feeling of disappointment and betrayal. This is not how I had envisioned our marriage to be like.... And I don't really know where to go from here....

Your comments are appreciated!
mbr197
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:34 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby Chucky » Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:58 pm

Hey,

I'm guessing that she was never too keen on the idea of the corset, and you also must be aware that for some of us 'sex' just becomes less of an enjoyment as we age. It's difficult to 'force' her to be sexual if she genuinely does not feel that way; just as it's difficult/unfair to have you taking medication to reduice your sex life. How much have you both actually talked in depth about this? Have you ever explained to her the background to your fetish?; why it's important to you? For her, this 'fetish' might be a completely closed book that she feels she cannot talk to you about. If it's an 'open' book, however, then I reckon your situation mkight improve even a slight bit.

Kevin
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 2:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby mbr197 » Fri Feb 05, 2010 10:37 pm

Kevin,

thanks for your thoughts - I don't think it's an issue of naturally waning sex drive. We are both younger than 40. As far as the background for my fetish goes, we have talked about it but did not find much common ground.

She feels that I want to control her. To her, my desire to suggest or request from her to wear certain kinds of clothing feels like I totally control every aspect of her life. Obviously, that's objectively not true, as she is free to do as she pleases on almost any other aspect of life. She really is - and I support her in whatever she wants to do. I think even she realizes that there something about her reaction that is too extreme.

For me, there might be a small element of control. However, mostly I feel this is simply a sexual desire. Not even a terribly strange one since almost all western women wore these kinds of clothing 100 years ago. Girdles (now called shapers) are even becoming fashionable again now. Where my fixation for this comes from, I don't know.

I think it might be hard for her to understand that males (and in particular myself) have different sexual triggers than women. She wants to be loved "just the way she is" without corset and girdles. From my perspective, her refusal to wear these items makes her sexually less attractive, but I don't necessarily love her less. Eventually though, my love for her suffers because I have a hard time understanding why she wouldn't wear any of this for me at least occasionally.

I think trying to push me into the corner of someone who wants to control her, vs. someone who simply has slightly abnormal sexual desires makes it easier for her to put the blame entirely on me. But maybe she is right and my perception is wrong....
mbr197
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:34 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby Chucky » Sat Feb 06, 2010 9:16 pm

If you look back over your life together, has she always been rather quite/easy going with regard to making decisions? Maybe she actualyl wanted to do things her way in the past, but just was 'afraid' to go against what you said. Now, all of that has come back to her and she's taking a stand. I don't know if this will make sense to you, but I hope that it will. It will take time to erbuild the damage done though, but I am intelligently guessing that involving her in more decision-making might help; and/or asking her opinion on decisions you make in your own life. When two people marry, it's like two lives joining into one.

Kevin
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 2:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby mbr197 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:50 pm

Chucky,

thanks for your comment. There is definitely that element of control that's important to her, you are right about that.

Here's what I would be interested in hearing your (and everybody else's) comments on:

With everything said above, am I being unreasonable trying to impose my fetish on her? Should she relent and accommodate me? Do I need to do more to accommodate her? Anything in between? When you are in a situation like this it's hard to judge objectively. That's why I'm interested in outside opinions. Ideally from both males and females.

Many thanks!
mbr197
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:34 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby Chucky » Mon Feb 08, 2010 8:27 pm

Hi,

These questions you've asked just now are difficult for anyone here to answer too. I mean, some will say that you should never try to impose your fetish on her; while others will say that she should embrace it and enjoy it with you. I'm siding with the first group of people (i.e. you shouldn't try to impose it on her), for now at least. Your relationship has run aground dude... ...and your thoughts should be about mending it instead of still wondering about how your fetish will feature in the relationship.

... right?

Kevin
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 2:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby S3 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:05 pm

Hi mbr197. Welcome to the forums! Sorry I'm so late to respond.

I think "imposing" is too strong a word, but persistent assertive communication is a great thing when it's done with sensitivity. You have to draw the line between aggressive, suffocating, and contemptuous manipulation, and loving, concerned, genuine persuasion. Both of you have needs. It's how you convey yours and respond to hers that will make all the difference. Maybe responding more to her needs will help you meet your own, and maybe not. Maybe it goes without saying, but I will anyway. You try to make her happy because you love her, not because you expect sexual favors. On the other hand, seeing her try to fulfill your sexual needs more fully is very important to you and she should want to do so for the same reason you want to serve her, because she loves you too.

It may be difficult or feel unsafe to either or both of you to discuss your and her sexual preferences (among other things) so openly with mutual consideration, respect, and love, but that's what needs to happen. Combined personal research and couples therapy has been a great help to me and my wife. With an unbiased third party to help, we both feel more fully heard and understood, more free to air complaints about one another without becoming defensive, and we've each taken steps toward personal change for one another that have helped us draw closer. Not all couples can do this easily with professional support, much less without. I suggest it anyway as a possibility for you and your wife, keeping an open heart to one another, and not looking for the quick and easy fix, but the long term answer to resolving important differences.
User avatar
S3
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 635
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:57 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby mbr197 » Fri Feb 19, 2010 5:35 pm

S3 and Chucky,

thanks for your your comments. We will try therapy, let's see how that goes. Obviously we have a "sexual compatibility" issue and I'm sometimes wondering how much effort one should try to put into it to fix it. Can it be fixed? Will it lead to her permanently being resentful if she feels she has to accommodate my fetish at least to a certain degree. Will I be able to get to a point where my needs will be fulfilled enough if I have to compromise (which I probably have to). What's fair? How much compromise on my part and on hers?

Right now - also thanks to the medication - I can put my fetish on the back burner a bit. I still love her and I can tell that if I don't bother her with it, she becomes markedly happier. But as soon as I mention it - even very carefully - she feels pressured again. Not easy... And being in this situation I really find it hard to tell where my responsibility begins and how much I can reasonably expect from her.

Thanks for your comments so far!
mbr197
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:34 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby S3 » Fri Feb 19, 2010 7:24 pm

You're welcome! And you're not alone.

I think it's great that you're sensitive to her discomfort and willing to try therapy. Counseling has helped take the edge off of that 'carefulness' between me and my wife. Hopefully it can do the same between you and your wife and help you both decide together what a good amount of compromise will be so that neither of you feel resentful. If you're both really motivated by your love for each other then there won't be any resentment about your compromise.

It occurs to me that maybe your wife wants to feel attractive and wanted just for being herself without any special clothing. That's just my guess. You might try asking her whether that's true. Maybe if you could help her feel that way then she wouldn't be so reluctant to entertain your fetish. Maybe you could talk about how to help her feel that way with the counselor if you're not too confident about talking about it just between the two of you.
User avatar
S3
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 635
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:57 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Corset and Tight Clothing fetish causes relationship trouble

Postby mbr197 » Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:43 am

S3,

yes, you are right about her wanting to feel attractive without clothing. Fact is - she is attractive, but I would be lying if I told her that a corset would not increase her attractiveness in my eyes. I think that is something she has to come to terms with. That's my fetish. Fact is also that so far our lovemaking has been very vanilla - hardly ever was there any dress-up involved, much to my regret. In other words, I feel that things have been more her way than my way in the past.

But than again, I have to admit that her way is "the norm" and my fetish is not. My heart goes out to all you guys with pedophile tendencies, because I know how much of a constant fight it is to keep things under control. I'm lucky in the sense that my fetish can be mutually enjoyed by two compatible partners. Unfortunately my wife and I are not so compatible right now.

Part of me does not want to give up my fetish because - obviously - it's something very enjoyable for me. And part of me realizes that I'm not "the norm" and therefore I probably have to compromise.
mbr197
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:34 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:24 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Paraphilias Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: BlackStrat, Dita, Martin1932, warforged, xfa and 104 guests

cron