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Attraction to pubescent girls...

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Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby Zorn » Fri Oct 30, 2009 6:38 am

I'm wondering whether or not an attraction to pubescent girls is considered normal? When I say pubescent, I refer to those teenage girls between the ages of 12 and 17. I'm a 33 yo male. A bit more information for those who would want it:

I've had this attraction since I was 16 or 17. Now, I must differentiate between preference and attraction. I do not prefer teenage girls to women my own age, nor have I ever pursued a teenage girl for the purposes of a consensual sexual relationship since crossing the acceptable age boundary, at which point, such a relationship would be considered inappropriate. Having said that, I cannot deny the fact that I am aroused by the idea of having sex with such a girl and I often experience arousal at the sight of an attractive teenage girl. I have had several meaningful relationships with girls/women, the first of which was with a 16 yo girl when I was 18. Admittedly, this would be considered statutory rape by the State in which I live, but nonetheless the relationship was consensual and lasted approximately four years. After which, I have never dated any women below the age of 21. My current relationship is with a woman who is slightly older than I.

I do not feel an overwhelming urge to pursue a sexual encounter with a teenage girl. I do not view child pornography. I would never coerce or harm a child to gratify a sexual urge. In my mind, those behaviors are predatory and pathological. However, the idea of a consensual sexual encounter with a teen girl is quite arousing, though in practice I highly doubt I would allow a teen girl to seduce me simply because it's not legal and would seriously jeopardize my career and relationships.

And there lies the rub. If such behavior (consensual sex with a teenage girl) were legal, then perhaps I would act on it. The realization that I do not object to such an act based on moral grounds is cause for some worry. Worry that such thoughts are abnormal.

I have often masturbated to these fantasies, though they do not by a long shot define or encompass my fantasy life. I have sometimes felt guilt at doing so. More often I do not experience guilt.

I've had many internal deliberations regarding this aspect of my sexuality. The attraction itself is slightly troubling to me if only for the fact that many would probably consider it abnormal...perhaps even pathological. Is it necessarily abnormal to harbor such fantasies? Is it perhaps symptomatic of a larger problem that I am unaware?

I have a history of depression and panic attacks. For a time, I was heavily medicated and was under the supervision of a therapist. As a result, I have developed coping skills and successfully weaned myself off of my medications. It was nice to finally be off the medications...I'm a writer and they tended to dull my creative side. It was often difficult to concentrate at a level necessary to produce good material.

The final piece of the puzzle is my hyper-sexuality. I have a very active libido. I can remember having sexual feelings prior to puberty. I suppose those early feelings are best described as a "psychic erection". I clearly remember feeling mentally aroused at the sight of women in underwear on television. These occurred at around the age of 9 or 10. I also had very definite sexual feelings toward the sister of my best friend in 5th grade. She was two years older and I often fantasized about what she would look like naked. Once puberty began and I could obtain an erection, I masturbated, on an average of once a day and have done so since.

I didn't mean to write a book here but I hope that's enough information. My main concern is whether or not these fantasies are normal and if not, are they the product of some larger issue?
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby S3 » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:35 pm

Both panic attacks and hypersexuality (including obsession over hebephilic and ephebophilic fantasy) are sometimes symptoms of Generalized Anxiety. Sometimes OCD is linked to paraphilias. Either may be made more severe by depression. I don't believe that your mental arousal as a child nor your attraction to pubescent girls now is uncommon despite social norms. Some children experience their first orgasm as young as 3 or earlier, and since many 12-year-olds have the capacity to develop a consensual relationship with an adult and even marry in some countries, (1 that I know of), and you have no intention of using force or coercion or of breaking the law, I see you as a just a healthy man with a sexual appreciation for younger girls.

The bigger issue might be how much your attraction bothers you, if it bothers you to the point that you feel very uncomfortable about it sometimes or that it causes you a reasonable amount of stress consistently, (whether or not the stress is severe), you might benefit from talking to a doctor or researching some of the therapeutic techniques listed in this post. If you believe anxiety or depression is the underlying cause for your difficulty, you may try looking at causes and treatments for anxiety.

Of course, whether or not you decide to seek treatment we're happy to talk with you here and help in what ways we can despite not being professionals. Just having a place to be open can be a significant relief. It has for me.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby AoW » Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:56 pm

First you must know that girls under 16 can not legally consent to a sexual relationship. Besides that they are not psychologically mature to give consent, because they still do not understand the implications, and most importantly they do not have the ability to cope with the complications of such relationships. That is the primary reason for such laws in our societies.

Second you need to examine and understand your own reasons for wanting such sexual relations. Looking at your history as per your post, I would suggest that you examine your own sexual maturity in a psychological context. By developing sexually so early as you did, it is quite possible your sexuality never quite matured beyond pubescence. That could be why you feel such strong attraction to girls of that age range. A person's sexuality generally matures as with physical age - therefore our attraction to sexual partners within an age range that matches ours.

Now obviously the question is how do you mature your sexual age? Unfortunately that is not something that can be done via a forum. You will need to find a therapist that can work with you on that.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby Zorn » Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:18 am

I was considered to have obsessive-compulsive tendencies but they were minor. The main issue for which I sought therapy was the panic disorder. The depression was secondary to that problem. Once I was able to cope with the panic disorder, the depression consequently lifted.

The attraction does not create much stress, at least not in comparison to the everyday stress that everyone experiences. However, it was cause for some concern. It's not very stressful to me because I know that these are just fantasies and I have no intention of fulfilling them. I just didn't know if it was symptomatic of a deeper issue, but perhaps it's not after all.

Here in the States, the age of consent varies. In my own state, age of consent is 17. 17 is the most common age although there are some states that recognize 16, 15, and even 14 yo olds as having the ability to legally consent. I realize why such laws are in place and I believe that they are necessary for a harmonious society.

I'm not entirely sure that my sexual maturation is a component since I have a rather robust attraction to women my own age. As I said earlier, I do not prefer teenage girls to women my own age, it's simply that they are a part of my sexual proclivities, but they do not have priority over other age groups.

Having spoken to other men my age, I do realize that my sexual "coming of age" occurred at a younger age than most. I suppose I'd have to speak with a therapist to see how that might affect my sexual impulses. The only time I have brought the subject of my libido up to a therapist, I was told that unless it was affecting activities of daily living or getting in the way of healthy relationships it was normal and not to worry over it. Frequent masturbation in concert with normal sexual activities seems to keep me balanced.

Human sexuality is a complicated animal and I know some urges and activities conflict with social norms. Perhaps I'm not that different from many others and shouldn't be unduly worried. Thanks for your responses :-)
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby onlysleep » Sat Oct 31, 2009 7:26 am

I'm sure it's quite normal (although frowned upon) for men to find teenage girls attractive. They are physically mature, or at least have secondary sexual characteristics, so I don't see why it would be at all unusual for a man who's attracted to adult women to find teenage girls attractive. It would only be a problem if you acted on it and broke the law, or if it bothered you to the point of distraction and distress. If you're troubled about morality, you're not alone, you only have to look at the range of the age of consent in different jurisdictions around the world to see it isn't a simple issue. Your description of your sexual development as a child doesn't seem unusual or premature, it's normal for babies and toddlers have erections and masturbate.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby Butterfly Faerie » Sat Oct 31, 2009 7:51 pm

AoW wrote:First you must know that girls under 16 can not legally consent to a sexual relationship. Besides that they are not psychologically mature to give consent, because they still do not understand the implications, and most importantly they do not have the ability to cope with the complications of such relationships. That is the primary reason for such laws in our societies.

Second you need to examine and understand your own reasons for wanting such sexual relations. Looking at your history as per your post, I would suggest that you examine your own sexual maturity in a psychological context. By developing sexually so early as you did, it is quite possible your sexuality never quite matured beyond pubescence. That could be why you feel such strong attraction to girls of that age range. A person's sexuality generally matures as with physical age - therefore our attraction to sexual partners within an age range that matches ours.

Now obviously the question is how do you mature your sexual age? Unfortunately that is not something that can be done via a forum. You will need to find a therapist that can work with you on that.



Depending where you live 16 is the legal age limit for sex, not everywhere though... but still I do agree with you.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby Leviathan » Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:37 pm

I think you'll find a lot of guys would be sexually attracted to a girl of 14 or 15, especially if she looks older then that. Most guys will never admit this though, because they don't want to be seen as perverted. I don't think there's anything wrong with it unless you act on it. Here in the UK, having sex with a 16 year old is legal, but I wouldn't do it because I don't want to be seen as a pervert and someone that age is too immature for me. But I will admit some are attractive.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby AoW » Sun Nov 01, 2009 7:05 am

There is nothing wrong with an adult finding a teenager attractive or pretty. However there is something wrong with having a strong sexual attraction to pubescent girls (or boys) IF you do not feel the same attraction to adults. Fantasizing sexually about a male or female is not wrong. However is is wrong to fantasize about girls/boys based on their age.

As an example: There is nothing wrong with sexually fantasizing about the centerfold in a sex magazine. Such fantasies are centered around the physical appearance of the boy/girl in the photo. However it is wrong when you fantasize about a boy/girl from a magazine where you know it is child pornography.

The problem with some responses above is the justification: "sex with minors is legal elsewhere". Yes, there are societies where boys/girls engage in legal sex when they become sexually mature. But those are NOT our societies. There are many psychosocial reasons those societies are different than ours (I don't want to elaborate on that here). Its like justifying murder with the argument that human sacrifice is legal in a tribe in some deep dark continent.

The other justification I find wrong is that because girls look older than 14 they should be ready for a relationship. Yes, boys/girls may look physically mature at 12, and might be able to have sex, but they are not psychologically ready. Being physically able to reproduce does not make the person sexually or physically mature.

What posters must realize is that children in our society do not mature as fast, therefore are not ready for such relationships before the age of 16/17/18. Even then I wonder if most people are ready for any type relationship before the age of 35.

Lastly, be careful of justifying a problem by denial or transference. This means that a healthy person will recognize a problem, and admit to it being a problem. That is half the way to recovery done. A person with a problem will justify something as acceptable via the argument that others do it too. Did you know that most rapists and molesters justify their actions by saying their victims "wanted it anyway" and were given non-verbal consent via dress or actions, and that most pedophiles justify their actions by stating that they were simply "educating" their victims.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby Leviathan » Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:05 pm

As an example: There is nothing wrong with sexually fantasizing about the centerfold in a sex magazine. Such fantasies are centered around the physical appearance of the boy/girl in the photo. However it is wrong when you fantasize about a boy/girl from a magazine where you know it is child pornography.



Although I myself have never fantasied about having sex with children. I don't believe fantasies are wrong at all, unless it becomes an urge where you feel the need to act on it. I agree child porn should be illegal.

The problem with some responses above is the justification: "sex with minors is legal elsewhere". Yes, there are societies where boys/girls engage in legal sex when they become sexually mature. But those are NOT our societies. There are many psychosocial reasons those societies are different than ours (I don't want to elaborate on that here). Its like justifying murder with the argument that human sacrifice is legal in a tribe in some deep dark continent.


It depends on your definition of a minor. I don't believe someone who's 16 is a minor but there you go.

The other justification I find wrong is that because girls look older than 14 they should be ready for a relationship. Yes, boys/girls may look physically mature at 12, and might be able to have sex, but they are not psychologically ready. Being physically able to reproduce does not make the person sexually or physically mature.



I agree with you on this.

Lastly, be careful of justifying a problem by denial or transference. This means that a healthy person will recognize a problem, and admit to it being a problem. That is half the way to recovery done. A person with a problem will justify something as acceptable via the argument that others do it too. Did you know that most rapists and molesters justify their actions by saying their victims "wanted it anyway" and were given non-verbal consent via dress or actions, and that most pedophiles justify their actions by stating that they were simply "educating" their victims.


Whilst I agree that it's wrong to have sex with someone who's underage for the reasons you've mentioned. I disagree when you say it's wrong to find a girl who'd 14 or 15 to sexually attractive. Because you see, at that age, a lot of girls have developed a woman's body. So it is natural that a healthy man will see a girl with a woman's body sexually appealing. But, you don't step over the line of having sex with a child that age. First of all because they are a child, and secondly it's just not worth the problems you'll bring on yourself.
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Re: Attraction to pubescent girls...

Postby -LostOne- » Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:35 am

AoW wrote:Now obviously the question is how do you mature your sexual age? Unfortunately that is not something that can be done via a forum. You will need to find a therapist that can work with you on that.

I've often wondered if sexual age exists, or wether we are born with our attractions then die with them at the end of our lives. If it does exist then you could argue that pedophillia, and the rest of the disorders, are a disability; a result of an undetected halt in brain developent. Would a therapist be able to cure something like this, or, perhaps a brain surgeon would be a better candidate? How would either go by fixing this? There are many problems for both parties. Neither have succeeded so far.

Let's just pretend for a moment that both therapists and surgeons could jolt a pedophiles brain, making the once psychlogical/damaged section functionalable again to the point that if the person was twelve again they would grow up with a perfectly normal desires and attractions... how would, a say, 40 y/o pedophile recieving the treatment be able to catch up with all those lost years? Surely sexual age can't go A to Z. In my opinion, that's an even bigger problem than the initial one.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't believe in sexual age. There are too many holes, like the fact that pedophiles can be attracted to both adults and children. Also you would think in the world at least one pedo's brain would fire back up and he'd grow into an adults mindset, then report it, but that has never happened either. (if you don't count the A to Z thing)

My advice to the OP, accept and become comfortable with who you are. Does it really matter why or how you came to have these feelings? You have them now and that's all that matters at the end of the day. Keep to the law, don't do anything foolish, most importantly get your head around this, and you'll be okay.
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