I'm 17 and have had OCD for years, including contamination and hygiene obsessions, and compulsions like not being able to step on any area in line with a central heating duct. It ranges from mild and dismissible to severe and debilitating. Recently, I've noticed thoughts which have got me very concerned, and I really need some help with this and to vent a little as I've become really stressed. Today I spiked so badly my brain sort of shut off and now I just feel kinda dead inside. Anyway, I don't really want this to become a long, rambling paragraph, so I thought I'd list out the information and you can decide for yourselves. TO CONFIRM, I HAVE NEVER ACCESSED CHILD PORN OR COME CLOSE TO OR COME CLOSE TO MOLESTING A CHILD. THE IDEAS HORRIFY ME. I know it's long but PLEASE READ AND REPLY!! WARNING, MAY CONTAIN OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL
The Important Background:
-I have always been attracted to girls my own age and older and have had several major crushes on them
-I am shy and very insecure, smart, sensitive, self-loathing, non-violent, cheerful and outgoing around friends and have a high sex drive.
-I've got off to h-core (lesbian, rarely gay) pornography since age 14 or so, and I think developed a pornography addiction, which I'm worried might have cause me to be sexually deviant.
-A few years back I had a case of what I now think was POCD when I worried obsessively and got depressed over whether I had inadvertently viewed porn with underage women in.
-I have a high sex drive, particularly recently, getting off multiple times a day, and this concerns me as I've read its associated with paraphilias, like paedophilia
-I still have considerable attraction to girls my own age (Had one major crush this year) and to lesbian pornography
-Earlier this year I became concerned when I started to be turned on by gay fantasies (previously had had vague groinal responses to pictures of men-HOCD?). At first I resisted heavily yet eventually gave in to the intense sexual arousal and got off to the, feeling shame and disgust afterwards. Yet I continued to do this, and still do. I noticed the fantasies became maybe more explicit over time, and also recently more emotional (relationships) and have recently had new and relatively strong urges to act on these fantasies. I have had daydreams where a gay person has a crush on me, yet I always choose a girl over them. I have never had a crush on any guy and do not feel physically attracted to guys, save the groinal response occasionaly, and I only ever check out girls, so I don't think I'm gay, but have had periods of thinking I might be bi or gay.
-I don't like children, I don't want to hurt them AT ALL, but I find them boring and annoying.
-I have had other, somewhat deviant interests, like arousal at thoughts of lesbian incest (between ADULTS) and shemales, but these only occured occasionaly and I very rarely fantasise about them.
-I think child molestation is sick and would never want to do it, which is why I am so concerned.
-When I first discovered OCD, I identified with the symptom of fear of being a paedophile-I have been worried about it for ages.
The POCD/paedophilia and OCD
-A few months ago (4-5) started noticing groinal sensations when seeing pictures of pre-pubescent girls (never actual erections)
-I was somewhat concerned by this, and the implication I might be a paedophile
-My concern increased over time, but I also eventually (don't remember too well) experienced increasingly intense arousal towards young girls(which I am aware is VERY rare in POCD but not paraphilias, hence my concern), and one time gave into it and masturbated, feeling very distressed and trying to resist all the while, resulting in an intense climax but immediate depression and disgust.
-This made me spike and the anxiety consumed me for the next, maybe few days or a week. I looked up all these websites about paraphilias and paedophilia to see what the symptoms were and the perceived realtion to mine deeply concerned me. Somehow I managed to get over this, convincing myself I was not a paedophile and pushing the thoughts away.
-The intensity of the arousal then dropped back to the minor response, which recurred over the next 2 months, but I dismissed it easily each time, as I knew I couldn't afford the worry during my exams.
-For the month of holidays after that I was very relaxed, and experienced little to none of these thoughts.
-Recently began getting vague groinal responses during violent, sometimes disturbing video games. This disturbed me greatly as I've always been a non-violent, sensitive and kind person. My worry increased over time, until I 'tested' myself to see if I could get off to this violence. I was very disturbed to find I could to an image of a woman being strangled (this is very hard for me to type) but not a man. I then spiked with worry I could be a sexual sadist, and at the same time, while in a state of arousal, my paedophilic worry returned, and I 'tested' that, shocked to find some arousal there too) Somehow, the paedophilic anxiety ended up dominating, and I experienced intense urges of arousal to get off to pictures of young girls. The more I resisted, the more the arousal grew. I tried getting off to lesbian porn, but that was very unsatisfying, then tried to 'test' with pictures of young, clothed girls (NOT child porn AT ALL). I did manage to, but it took a bit of effort, and the climax was not very satisfying, a bit more than the prev one, but I don't know if this was due to diminished sex drive after the first one. I then tested it again, and managed to get off a second time but only with even more effort.
-The next morning (I always get aroused in the mornings) I found I could no longer get off to normal sexual stimuli (lesbian, gay, straight) OR pictures of clothed girls, so 'tested' to see if I could get off to more sexual images involving young girls(none violent or forceful), and to my disgust I found I could, though I did not want to be able to, yet during the getting off act I don't remember concern, only afterwards feeling extreme regret and worry, especially at the apparent progression of the fantasies and arousal (these thoughs before disgusted me), and the closeness of these symptoms to those of paraphilias.
-Since then I have been extremely worried, spending hours looking up paraphilias, very concerned to discover paedos exist who are disgusted by their arousal, and POCD articles on boards in a vain attempt at reassurance, as no one mentioned sexual arousal to the same extent as I had, and some of the paraphilia symptoms seem to fit mine well.
-My most recent spike occurred when I realised the parallels between my gay fantasies and my paedophilic ones, and I am deeply concerned about the paedophilic ones taking the same course until I have a desire to act on them in real life, a thought which HORRIFIES and DISGUSTS me. I have NO DESIRE TO ACT ON THESE URGES/FANTASIES, I just worry onr might develop. I cannot accept the idea of me abusing a child ever or that I might be a paedophile, yet my symptoms don't seem to fit POCD, so maybe I am a paedophile and my OCD makes me worry like this. I HOPE ABOVE ALL that I am not one and the thought I might ever offend sickens me and deeply saddens me. And if I am one, I will absolutely seek treatment. I'm just really not sure, and the arousal patterns deeply bother me. At the moment I am resisting all urges to get myself off to ANYTHING and avoiding any exposure to anything which might even make me think of children to try combat this. This is crushing me and I don't really know how much more stress I can take, I just worry all the time and can't stop because if I try distract myself, eg with video games, I feel I should be worrying and that I don't deserve to be enjoying myself. My OCD has also spiked largely lately with worries about other things, like whether I undestand anything or if I'm stupid (despite the fact I came top academically in my year) which might explain the resurgence but I just dont know...
If you made it this far thanks so much for taking the time to read this and PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR OPINION. I NEED TO KNOW WHETHER THIS CAN BE EXPLAINED AS SOME FORM OF POCD OR IF I AM JUST IN DENIAL. Thanks for any help you can give, and if u need any more info to help, please just ask.
Main reasons for concern:
-The intense arousal to the urges/fantasies prior to checking
-Some of the getting off being more giving in to the arousal rather than 'testing'
-The similarity of this pattern (intense arousal-strong resistance-giving in-horror+disgust+anxiety+testing) to the gay fantasies (intense arousal-strong resistance-giving in-horror+disgust+anxiety+testing), then followed by (gradual acceptance of fantasies-increase in urges to act on them in real life over time, accompanied by 'acceptance' of bisexuality, though I am not sure about this) The parallels and the fact the paedophilic urges seem to be following the same course deeply disturb me as the last thing I want is for them to continue, let alone become 'acceptable' and get urges to act on them in real life.
-The previous point doesn't really seem to fit with the symptoms of POCD at all, as the urges, even to get off I'm sure, never seem to result in arousal and are never actually acted on, with only checking perhaps resulting in some arousal. It seems more like the symptoms of a paraphilia, as said on wikipedia:
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition, Text Revision gives the following as its "Diagnostic criteria for 302.2 Pedophilia":
* A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger);
* B. The person has acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty;
* C. The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A.
The APA diagnostic criteria do not require actual sexual activity with a pre-pubescent youths. The diagnosis can therefore be made based on the presence of fantasies or sexual urges alone, provided the subject meets the remaining criteria. "For individuals in late adolescence with Pedophilia, no precise age difference is specified, and clinical judgment must be used." (p. 527 DSM).
-The existence of ego-dystonic paedophilies (ones who are significantly distressed by their thoughts)
-I'm positive I was aroused before checking and it was pretty intense, got more intense the more I resisted, but when I gave in, the intensity dropped significantly and it wasn't that easy to get off. This is the main problem I have with being content to think it is POCD as well as the parallels to the gay fantasies.
THANKS FOR READING AND PLEASE RESPOND