2 years 5 months 2 weeks and 1 day clean

ACuriousGhost wrote:

RecoveringSO wrote:It is disappinting to me that as of yet, no one else has offered you a hearty congratulations for your success and continued success.

I know right?! Congratulations, that's awesome!! I'm very proud of you and I wish you the best of luck. I know recovering can be hard, no matter what its from, and you're doing FANTASTIC!

Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot especially coming from you.

airwolffan wrote:

hatemyself35 wrote:Congratulations. I am clinging to positive stories like yours since I got arrested yesterday. It really does take that kick up the backside for some us, I think. The shame this will bring on my family is something I can't get out of my head, and it will be a grey cloud for the next 6 months until I am due back at the police station. Did you spend any time in jail yourself? And what were your crimes? Thanks.

You would be surprised what some friends and family can deal with to be fair.

Downloading CP was my crime, I didn't get any jail time, but i did get 3 year SOPO, 3 year Probation order, 5 on the SOR and attendance on a Court ordered SOTP.

To be honest thinking back it does not bring as much shame on your family as it does on you. Some families can deal with it some can't it really depends on who it is, but a close friend will truly know the real you, the person you actually are aside from this, this alone does not make you a bad person full stop, there is more to people than just this one part.

Thanks to all for the well wishing comments it does mean a lot and gives me new found trust in the human race.

Ah, I see. Well unfortunately I have also been charged with inciting a child to engage in sexual activity, making and distributing, technically. I have never actually physically touched any underage girls and never wanted to. This was all online stuff via instagram and the like. It was purely an online fantasy world for me, but I realise my charges will almost certainly lead to some jail time. I've read a lot of people on here who seem incapable of living without it but that's not how I feel at all. I did it because I could, basically. Not because I needed to. My attraction to adult women, physically, is stronger than any attraction to the teen girls I was talking to and yet somehow it was the forbidden fruit aspect which made it all the more appealing. It was the memory of my feeling around that age and how exciting this sexual discovery was. None of this will matter of course, I will be branded just like anyone else. I just hope my early guilty plea will reduce the sentence to something that I can cope with.

Since our lives seems to have paralleled in almost every other way, I sincerely hope this is me in 2 years 5 months 1 week and 5 days time.

I missed this post when I was scanning through your history, answers a lot of the questions I have - but naturally there are more. I'll definitely PM you when I get my head around exactly what I want to ask.

Any way congratulations on all you've achieved so far, your are a real inspiration to me.

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(3 days since last relapse)

InTheUK wrote:Since our lives seems to have paralleled in almost every other way, I sincerely hope this is me in 2 years 5 months 1 week and 5 days time.

I missed this post when I was scanning through your history, answers a lot of the questions I have - but naturally there are more. I'll definitely PM you when I get my head around exactly what I want to ask.

Any way congratulations on all you've achieved so far, your are a real inspiration to me.

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(3 days since last relapse)

I really hope you are in the same place as me in a couple of years time, and thanks for the kind words, it is nice to know my story has inspired someone else to see there is hope of living a fairly normal life.

Well done. You chose the right path, and stuck to it. That takes a lot of determination and courage. I honestly only had disgust towards pedophiles because I used to think they're all out there raping children. I discovered that while some have the urges, they control themselves, and are good citizens, like you.

tryingtounderstand85 wrote:Well done. You chose the right path, and stuck to it. That takes a lot of determination and courage. I honestly only had disgust towards pedophiles because I used to think they're all out there raping children. I discovered that while some have the urges, they control themselves, and are good citizens, like you.

Got to say I hate the word 'paedophile'. Hits too close to home? or being used as a label too widely and indiscriminately?

I don't really consider myself a paedophile, or even an hebephile, in the truest since of the word, and I suspect airwolffan probably doesn't either. The problem is some of us have mental/sexual/social disorders that lead to viewing illegal imagery without necessarily having any real attraction. Or am I just trying to make excuses for my behaviour?

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(1 week, 2 days since last relapse)

No, I feel the same. I mean I'm definitely not attracted to per-pubescent children even though I had a lot of material depicting them. I am sometimes attracted to teen girls who have womanly features but I think that's perfectly normal - I mean girls don't immediately become attractive as soon as they turn 16, do they?

hatemyself35 wrote:No, I feel the same. I mean I'm definitely not attracted to per-pubescent children even though I had a lot of material depicting them. I am sometimes attracted to teen girls who have womanly features but I think that's perfectly normal - I mean girls don't immediately become attractive as soon as they turn 16, do they?

If you are not sexually attracted to prepubescent children, then why did you have "a lot of material depicting them?" If you didn't "need" this (thus could stop yourself), then why did you keep it and continue to pursue it? Did you masturbate to these images of these prepubescent children? Are you prepared to face a "sex history polygraph" and a "penile plethysmograph", one or the other which you will likely be subjected to one or the other (or both) and will the results of these procedures match what you have told us thus far?

I may be sounding accusatory; which is not my real intent. I'm not trying to 'argue for the prosecution"; in fact, I'm trying to "argue for your successful recovery". I suspected AirWolfFan will agree with me when I say: Your level of honesty to these questions will have a direct impact on the success of your recovery. If we are not honest with ourselves, we will believe our own lies; and if we believe our own lies, we will fail. These are also question you will face in due time, under the scrutiny of various levels of sexual offenders and under the observation of trained sex abuse therapists. If you feel that you must keep some things to yourself or lie to others, I will not judge you; but do not lie to yourself or keep things from yourself.

I hate your screen name. I hope it changes; and I hope how you feel about yourself will change as well.

airwolffan wrote: I am "2 years 5 months 2 weeks and 1 day" clean from CP since my arrest back in 2013.

How did you get arrested? Did they raid your place and arrested you right away or search for evidence and found you guilty?

airwolffan wrote:No matter what people may think of me, I am proud of myself for my achievement and I will continue to be so.

Congratulations, keep it up.

RecoveringSO wrote:

hatemyself35 wrote:No, I feel the same. I mean I'm definitely not attracted to per-pubescent children even though I had a lot of material depicting them. I am sometimes attracted to teen girls who have womanly features but I think that's perfectly normal - I mean girls don't immediately become attractive as soon as they turn 16, do they?

If you are not sexually attracted to prepubescent children, then why did you have "a lot of material depicting them?" If you didn't "need" this (thus could stop yourself), then why did you keep it and continue to pursue it? Did you masturbate to these images of these prepubescent children? Are you prepared to face a "sex history polygraph" and a "penile plethysmograph", one or the other which you will likely be subjected to one or the other (or both) and will the results of these procedures match what you have told us thus far?

I may be sounding accusatory; which is not my real intent. I'm not trying to 'argue for the prosecution"; in fact, I'm trying to "argue for your successful recovery". I suspected AirWolfFan will agree with me when I say: Your level of honesty to these questions will have a direct impact on the success of your recovery. If we are not honest with ourselves, we will believe our own lies; and if we believe our own lies, we will fail. These are also question you will face in due time, under the scrutiny of various levels of sexual offenders and under the observation of trained sex abuse therapists. If you feel that you must keep some things to yourself or lie to others, I will not judge you; but do not lie to yourself or keep things from yourself.

I hate your screen name. I hope it changes; and I hope how you feel about yourself will change as well.

I had that material because it was new and I needed it for trading stuff that I did want to see (prefernce being 12-15 girls on webcam). As far as masturbation goes, I very rarely masturbated to even the undergae stuff I did like. I would typically download it and watch it over a course of an hour or two and then masturbate to amateur adult porn, so I would always question myself as to why I put myself at the risk I did. Also, bear in mind my srceen name was chosen on the day I was arrested, but I do feel a bit better these days. The thing that really gets you down is the length of time life is effectively on hold while on bail. I just want to get it over with.