TRIGGER Rape Paraphilia

by **AdiaNoeta** » Mon Jun 29, 2015 3:04 pm

(Please don't chastise me about how bdsm is not synonymous with abuse. Tell that to the first guy that got ahold of me when I was twelve, and then realize this is my unique experience unrepresentative of anyone else's.)

I've identified as a submissive masochist since the age of 13 with fantasies of rape, abduction, and abuse. Fifteen years later, I've had enough. My history includes meeting up with sadistic guys from the Internet and also many long-term relationships based on my desires. In short, I've been a reckless moron entrusting my life to various men/pedophiles under the guise of bdsm. I'm grateful to be alive after walking the line between reality and fantasy. Serial killers and hybristophiles, sadistic psychopaths, and specifically being murdered while being raped were some of the extreme thoughts I began to escalate to.

I'm an idiot, I know this now. I guess I had to stare death in the face and fight for my life to appreciate how precious it is. Thing is, the desires never *really* go away. I am triggered by and inexorably attracted to men that hold specific mental traits. If I automatically am drawn to someone, I now run the other way. My life is boring right now and I'm good with that.

I wasn't molested prior to developing these paraphilias, and have no knowledge of being groomed like children sometimes are. I've given up on asking, "Why?" After countless hours and therapists and inpatient treatment over the majority of my life has revealed nothing, and so I choose to move on without answers.

Romanticized violence is still violence, and violence has real-life, long-term consequences of which I currently suffer from. Damage to my body aside, I have become reclusive and can't hold a job or finish college. I live in a room in my mother's home where I've stayed for the past six years, unable to move forward. I spend most of my time right here and have lost all contact with friends.

I wanted to know what it was like to be a victim, and now I wish I didn't. I'm a walking cautionary tale. Even after losing everything from my mind to my job to my appetite, exhausting every resource to escape the situation I'd gotten myself in... I did it again two years ago. I *feel* like I'm learning, like I'm getting better at identifying how warped my thinking is in the face of my triggers. It's a love/hate relationship with my former self, as I look back at my experiences both fondly and angrily. The moments were beautiful... The aftermath is a nightmare.

Being in a room with myself for days at a time causes these restless moments that develop into a much more accepted form of stupidity: Drugs and alcohol. I am prescribed Xanax, I smoke weed, and none of that's a problem until I start drinking. Even though I am careful to wait several hours after my last Xanax before I touch a drop, it still hits me really hard. I end up sick more often than not. I just go stir-crazy and have to get out, and drinking helps me be more social and less nervous. The last time I did this, though, I messed up. I hadn't filled up my pill box for the week, so I had accidentally doubled the dosage. This is the kind of stuff that kills people. I didn't stick it out this long to just screw up and die, so I have to find another outlet.

I have no idea what to do with myself, seeing as I don't trust myself and I sure as hell don't trust anyone else. I guess this a bit of a rant, but I'm new here so consider this my introduction. Hi.

Hello,

I'm surprised you haven't gotten more responses to this. I haven't had any of the real-world experiences you've had but I have similar issues reconciling what arouses me sexually and what is sane and healthy and good for me emotionally.

My body reacts to the idea of being violently abused, used, exploited, violated and forced to do things I hate. I'm not exaggerating when I say "hate": I literally can't watch a forced blowjob scene happening to a porn actress without wanting to cry or break something, but at the same time the thought of someone forcing me to do it is for some reason sexually arousing. I've had it done to me before and I know it's not the kind of pain that releases sexy endorphins like spanking does -- it's having something broken and torn open and rubbed raw; it's being choked until you see stars; it's trying not to throw up so you don't give him the ######6 satisfaction, but eventually you will because he's going to make sure of it.

I was reading a Dom's blog the other day (24/7 TPE) and his description of it made me want to kill someone:

"I love that gagging feeling, I can actually feel the throat muscles tighten up. At times I do not even want to cum, because it feels so good, and I don’t want to lose that moment. I love the tears in her eyes, the drooling, gagging, the hoping it will be over soon. I get such a high from being in so much control. I am able to do what ever I want, no questions. I love the humiliation factor of face ######6, a huge turn on. Having that much control, and you never hear the word stop."

And yet my body reacts to the idea of having it done to me. And I don't understand it. It's literally like I can only experience pleasure by imagining the pleasure I'm providing. It's horrifying. I can just imagine some MRA reading this and smirking "I knew feminists just needed a good raping."

How after an experience like that are you supposed to go back to thinking this person loves you? How can you just go back to being snuggly, cuddly friends? Or even worse...aftercare? Like "Aww, poor baby you're shaking and you can't swallow and you're covered with snot and mascara and vomit but let me just pet you and wipe your face." I would either want to run in fear or scratch his eyes out.

I don't know what's causing this in me. I feel like I've been brainwashed by porn, or maybe it's BPD splitting, I don't know. I wish I could retrain my thoughts somehow.

by **MJH2013** » Mon Jul 27, 2015 4:39 pm

Callalily, you and I have had our disagreements in the past, and I fear that this may in fact be another. I think that the original poster likely did not get more responses because Ada moved her thread from the BDSM forum to the paraphilias forum, where it most likely got buried in the other posts. Also, the BDSM forum seems to have been moving quite slowly (in terms of new posts, not so much inn terms of replies) during my three-week-to-a-month-vacation from it. Now, I hope address some of the points you bring up in your post before moving to the original poster's comments in an attempt to keep this as on-topic as possible.

I am sorry that you have such visceral reactions to depictions of violence, force, etc. That is quite concerning as the majority of my acquaintances (even the ones who do not support BDSM and would likely cast the first rock at my public stoning if they knew I practiced it) do not have such a pronounced reaction. They are disgusted, become annoyed and make cynical comments but there is not desire to hit something, no desire to throw something, and most certainly no desire to kill another human. I recognize that you may be embellishing while typing emotionally, or that you would never act on these feelings even though they exist, but again I must question your decision to keep exploring BDSM media including this forum. It seems that BDSM is a veritable trigger-happy goldmine where you are concerned and I am worried about your mental health should you continue to explore it. I don't think it's good for you Callalily. I love a good debate as much as(and probably significantly more than) most others, but I don't want you to hurt yourself to keep providing it. Again, please feel free to correct me if you feel I am out of line, but I can't shake the feeling that it might be healthier for you to take a very long possible lifetime-long break from BDSM media.

In regards to your body's reactions to the things you find so upsetting,I think it is important for you to remember that just because one may find something sexually arousing does not mean that one has to perform that something, or even think of that something if one does not want to. We cannot choose our fetishes but we can choose whether or not we act on them. And if these images are upsetting you and hurting you so much, then you can always choose to refrain from practicing them regardless of how turned on you are by them. If you do not believe that you attain climax or fulfillment without resorting to these sorts of fantasies or practices, then please feel free to seek help and/or therapy but otherwise I think that you are your own worst enemy. You keep looking up BDSM related paraphernalia, which in turn keeps these thoughts in your head, which in turn causes you to become aroused against your will, which in turn makes you upset, and thus you dwell on the thoughts and the whole process begins again. It's a vicious circle. It's a game that you can't win. The only way to win is to not play the game anymore.

However, I do have an objection to your description of how a "forced" blowjob (or throat f**k for it's more vulgar terminology) works. True, it can be painful, humiliating, life-threatening, scaring and altogether negative, but it does not have to be. Sometimes there is no force in the "forced"blowjob- the submissive may not want to perform a blowjob necessarily but wants to please his or her partner and thus receives pleasure from pleasing his or her partner through the blowjob regardless. Sometimes there is only the perception of force (consensual nonconsent or "rape-play" where a scene is laid out in which there is the appearance of force and rape without the actual presence of force and rape as the entire scene is consensual). Sometimes the submissive loves giving blowjobs or being throat f****d so the entire process is overtly consensual. Just because one individual may not approve of or enjoy an action does not mean that all individuals must feel the same way. We are not the same. We like different things and that's okay. Based on what you are saying, I assume that you do not want your partner to "force" you in any sense of the word to give him a blowjob. And that's fine. Your partner needs to respect that- even if he is your Dominant. It is a hard-limit. He doesn't get to cross it, and if he does you need to leave. Immediately. But I do not understand why you assume that every submissive, and to some respects every individual thinks in the same way you do. We are not a hive-mind. We are not ants. We are human beings, and thus capable of independent thought and different desires. Just because a female is a submissive and giving a blowjob or being throat f*****d does not mean that she is responding to it in the same way you would. And that is not to invalidate your response. I think it's fine you don't want this, and more than justified for you to be upset if someone forces it on you. My purpose here is just to provide a bit of nuance.

As for the 24/7 TPE Dominant, I fail to see what is so problematic about his words. This individual clearly enjoys the feeling of throat f*****g a submissive for a variety of reasons- some of which he ascribes himself. The tears in the submissive's eyes may be as a result of the action as opposed to representative of crying caused by sadness- my submissive oftentimes gets a runny nose when she is giving me a blowjob in certain positions due to the position and the fact that the blowjob is blocking off her throat while a runny nose can also be a symptom of holding in tears due to sadness. Drooling and gagging are generally caused either by the size of the penis, a specific technique used by the submissive (there are some ways of giving a blowjob that produce more drool than others), and or the presence of a strong gag reflex. Gagging and drooling can be either positive or negative- it depends on the submissive in question. The most problematic aspect of his post is the "wanting it to be over soon" which seems to represent a lack of consent to the action in question, and that is certainly a valid way of interpreting the statement. But, is that the only way or even the most likely meaning of the statement? I do not believe so. That statement could mean that the submissive in question wants it "to be over as soon as possible" because the penis in his or her throat is preventing him or her from breathing and he or she is running out of breath. It could also be due to the the submissive's eyes, the submissive's gasping for air, and the determination to please as quickly as possible (which is not inherently negative and may represent a submissive trying to give his or her Dominant the maximum amount of pleasure in the minimum amount of time). Also, this statement is totally ascribed by the Dominant in question as the submissive is currently engaged in fellatio and thus unable to speak. Therefore, it is impossible for the Dominant in question to know if the submissive is "hoping it will be over soon". I believe this statement is likely intended to reinforce the control aspect of throat f*****g: The idea that the Dominant decides when he or she is finished as opposed to the idea of raping the submissive as you seem to believe it implies. Humiliation is also either positive or negative on a submissive-by-submissive basis- we would need to know the submissive in question in order to state whether or not that was a "positive" or a "negative" for him or her. The "no questions" and "never hear the word stop" seem to be poor attempts at a dark somewhat cruel humor in that it plays off the literal and most common interpretation of those words (namely the fact that an individual is talking and able to express himself or herself) and juxtaposes a blowjob situation where the individual is not necessarily not saying stop due to not wanting it to stop, or not asking questions because said individual has no questions but rather because of a physical inability to say stop or ask questions. It reads less like an actual endorsement of rape and eschewal of consent and more like a "rape joke" of sorts, so take that as you would any joke. Personally, I did not find it funny, thought the humor was too forced, and thought it in bad taste but to each his or her own. Regardless, I do not see the inherently problematic nature of the above post. Could you provide some context or further explanation about what exactly was so offensive, because I see it quite differently.

In terms of aftercare, again the scene you paint is supposed to be profoundly negative and obviously is to you, but that is not the only interpretation. Some submissives enjoy having make-up smeared on their faces as it is humiliating and they enjoy humiliation. The submissive may be shaking not from fear, but rather trembling from sexual arousal. Some submissives enjoy the feeling of being forced to drool on themselves as well- again it goes back to the fact that some submissives like humiliation and some do not. Nasal mucus could be present for a variety of different reasons and is not necessarily a negative sign (also some people may enjoy nasal mucus- though I am not one of them). Vomit is also not inherently a negative thing- emetophilia is the desire to vomit on one's partner or have one's partner vomit on you. Again, that is not to disparage your emotional response here. I think it's totally fine if you view this image as negative. That is your own prerogative, and I agree with certain aspects (I'm not into vomit in the slightest. That would be a major turn-off) but it is not the only way to interpret the scene you created. Nuance exists, and again it is important to rememebr that every person thinks differently.

As a side note, it seems as though you are creating your own boogeymen in a sense. For example, you create the scene where aftercare is applies which obviously upsets you greatly. You also remark that some "MRA" (which is obviously and somewhat unfairly used as an insult here might I add. Just as "feminist" and "Republican" should not be an insult "MRA" should also not be an insult. Insult certain people- not the system as a whole. But that is a topic for another post and another day) might read your post and react in an extremely negative way that obviously upsets you greatly. However, to the best of my knowledge, none of these (or at the very least not the second) have happened. And yet, you are not upset by the results or the actual occurrences but rather you seem to be upset by the mere possibility of these distressing outcomes. Callaily, this really is not logical in the slightest and does not really make any sense. Someone could read my words and interpret them in a completely different context then they are meant to be interpreted and use them as justification for mass-shooting that eventually ends with the individual taking his or her own life. Does that make me responsible for the shooting? No, it does not. I did not overtly advocate a shooting and anyone using my words to justify such actions is merely attempting to find a crutch with which to base their own decisions on. Eminem and Marilyn Manson did not cause Columbine, and your words are not going to cause or provide justification for any "MRA" to rape a feminist. If said "MRA" was going to rape a feminist, he would do so with or without your words. People can do horrible things. And putting your thoughts and opinions out into the world allows for them to be interpreted in as many different ways as there are people on this planet. Those who want to misconstrue your ideas to further their own agenda, however harmful and distasteful you might find it, are going to do so regardless of your protests. It is just an unfortunate fact of the world that we all have to accept. However, getting upset over it and causing yourself mental harm and stress due to a possibility is not the way to go-about this. Just calm yourself down. Get angry about what people actually say and actually do as opposed to what they might say or might do. Barking at shadows is just going to tire you out for when those shadows materialize.

As for the original poster AdiaNoeta, I am deeply sorry all these horrible circumstances happened to you and left you in such a poor state. You have my sincere condolences and my complete and utter sympathy for that is worth. You were definitely abused and whether or not what happened to you was BDSM, it was most certainly terrible.

I am not really sure what to advise you in this case. I think that your reclusive habits and your depression are most likely interrelated: You don't go out because you are depressed, but your depression is likely influenced by the fact that you have no one to talk to because you don't go out. I am not a mental health professional, and depression is most certainly not my forte so I really cannot remark on that. If you are being prescribed something by a psychiatrist, I recommend you keep taking whatever it is they give you and you talk to them about anything in regards to depression. They know a ton more than I do, and as good as it is to reach out and find those that are struggling like you are it will probably be more beneficial in the long-run to direct any specific questions at a professional. I don't think smoking weed while on Xanax is a good idea- the effects of drugs can multiply when combined, so it really is probably best for you to refrain from recreational drug use for now. Alcohol is another thing you should probably cut from your life- I know it is a helpful crutch but the truth is that you can walk without the crutch. It's just a lot harder, and if you keep using the crutch you will never discover that you are just fine without it.

As banal as the advice seems, it seems to me like you need a hobby- something to do to keep your mind off of your past and to keep you from drinking or smoking weed. I recommend that you find something completely unrelated to BDSM, abuse, sex, etc. that you can throw yourself into. Join a discussion forum about the kind of music you listen to, take a look at reddit, start your own blog or comment on someone else's, etc. Again, I'm really just talking without much to say here but I think it's important you stop dwelling on the past. I think a lot of the reason why you are unable to move forward is that you are looking back as opposed to looking forward. You don't see anything in the future so you've stopped looking and instead dwell in the past. You say you've stopped looking for a reason and maybe that is true consciously in that you aren't asking "why" anymore, but subconsciously I think you still want to know. The opposite of attention is not anger and hatred or love and longing. It's indifference. In order for you to move forward, you must stop letting your past define you. That's easier said than done. Trust me, I know. And I know it's patronizing for me to basically come here and tell you how to live you life. I'm sure you know your experiences better than I ever will. But honestly, even though it's hard, patronizing and makes me sound like a complete a**, it's what you need to do if you want to move forward. You need to let yourself see something in the future, and in order to do that you need to let go of the death-grip you have on the past. Because if you keep immersing yourself in it and letting it block your vision the past is all you will ever see. And we as humans are so much more than just the sum of our pasts. We're gestalt- the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. You can get past this. You can learn to trust yourself again. And slowly and surely you can learn to trust others as well. It's not going to be easy. It's not even going to be hard. It's going to be almost impossible. But our ability to do what we believe is impossible is one of the most beautiful characteristics of the human race. It's what makes us, well us. It's what makes us alive.

Thanks for your rant AdiaNoeta. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm MJH. It's nice to meet you.

Best of luck and best wishes to all,

-MJH

by **Callalily** » Tue Jul 28, 2015 4:10 pm

Hi MJH,

I understand your response, and I'm sorry if what I wrote was upsetting for you. I know I have been disrespectful and intolerant on this subforum in the past, but it wasn't my intention to attack or shame anyone here with this post. I'm going to respond but I'm also really wary of hijacking this thread; I will try to keep my answers in line with the issues the OP raised.

I responded because I can relate to the OP's experience of having sexual submission lead her into abusive situations. That is not an uncommon reality for submissives. And I was talking about my feelings -- mine, my own and no one else's -- when confronted with the reality of what a dominant sadist enjoys. I agree with you that we don't all need to feel the same way about things, which is why I'd prefer not to be protected from my feelings or have them corrected. I like to acknowledge and explore them because I think it's healthy to examine my triggers; as Ada put it in another thread, "to figure out why it matters." She is right when she tells me I'm not entitled to attack other posters with those feelings, but that doesn't invalidate them.

You suggest that I stay away from BDSM, but the questions being discussed here aren't exclusive to BDSM. Many, many people in the world experience conflict between what they crave sexually and what they're comfortable with emotionally and spiritually. Not all of our sexual desires are "nice." Of course it's going to be difficult for most of us to reconcile the desire to hurt and humiliate another person (or to be hurt and humiliated) with the desire to be a healthy, sane, empathetic, socially-conscious adult. These conflicts often cause people to feel guilt and shame, and sometimes that translates to anger. It certainly did in my case and, respectfully, I have to wonder if it's doing so in yours.

The specific act I mentioned is also not exclusive to BDSM; it made its way into mainstream porn some time ago, which means it has entered vanilla bedrooms. Many of us have been asked or expected to do it by regular old vanilla boyfriends. What triggered me in the blog I quoted was, as you guessed, the Dom's apparent indifference to his Sub's needs and feelings, which is pretty much the standard when you're in a one-sided relationship (kinky or otherwise). Enjoying something when you know your partner is genuinely miserable and unhappy and "waiting for it to be over" is, to me, what distinguishes a selfish or abusive sadist from a sane and healthy one. I think responsible play requires asking ourselves these questions on a regular basis: "Do I feel I'm being respected? Am I doing something that arouses me sexually but that I might not be able to handle emotionally? Is this something I really, enthusiastically want, or am I compromising my limits for the sake of my partner? Why is this okay in this context and with this person, when it wasn't in the past with that person?"

Also, in my opinion, viscerally reacting to another person being damaged is healthy. I keep bringing up "Hot Girls Wanted" which I guess means it really hit a nerve for me. It's a Netflix documentary about pro-am porn stars who get into the business at 18; they tend to be washed up in a year or two, which means they can only get work doing hard, fetishy stuff. One of the subjects is a 25-year-old Latina who is extremely cool and funny and observant and smart and who would probably be an amazing best friend.

Her age and race have relegated her to doing abuse porn, which she's clearly not into but doing for the money. Her facial abuse scenes are painful to watch. Because when you're seeing this happen to someone who's enduring not enjoying, it looks a lot like rape. And I can understand why it might also be sexually arousing. But that's where I draw lines for myself: my sexual gratification doesn't come at the expense of someone else's health, safety or sanity (or my own).

Finally, I've learned a lot since I posted this. @AdiaNoeta, I believe there are ways to explore this side of your sexuality in ways that are totally healthy and positive. Just because you want a guy to do mean things to you doesn't mean you need a mean guy. In fact, the kinder he is IRL, the meaner you'll feel safe letting him be. Does that make sense?

TRIGGER Rape Paraphilia