Coping with Exclusivity

A question for the exclusive paraphiles on the forum: how do you cope with the complete inability to act upon any of your sexual desires (either due to impossibility or illegality)? How do you keep the sexual frustration due to inexpression from overwhelming other aspects of life?

I've known about my paraphilia since I was very young, but I only realized in the last ~5 years or so that my fundamental attractions are different than most people. I do experience aesthetic attraction to women, but my body has no sexual response to such situations. Other times, a very brief "startle" in conversation or media that broadly relates to spanking/humiliation/sadism/masochism will dominate my thoughts literally for days and fuel my sexual energy for a while. I used to think that everyone else was like this too; now I realize that most heteronormative men really do get erections when they see a woman they are attracted to. I always thought I was doing something wrong, but now I realize this is due to my paraphilia being the exclusive contributor to my sexuality.

Imagination and pornography have been my main allies, but that gets lonely. My wife is understanding and kind enough that we have a playful arrangement where I can gently spank her at random when we're going about our business at home. She enjoys this as endearment, and I'm grateful that I can at least express a very small part of my sexuality in this way. However, the only time I ever experience even a tiny amount of sexual arousal is when I cross the line and spank her slightly harder than she prefers and cause a bit of a sting. For me, the act itself is less important than the non-consensual aspect of the action--so my sexual hardwiring sends me the message that I need to actually hurt someone (against their will) in order to be sexually fulfilled. I have zero desire to hurt anyone, and BDSM is too consensual of an activity to match my sexuality. This leaves me in a place where I feel like I will never, ever get to experience my own sexuality with the fullness that most heteronormative folks do. Sometimes I get jealous of that.

I also get frustrated that I can never explain my honest sexuality to anyone in my life (except my wife, thankfully). Most of my family members believe that homosexuality is immoral and/or a willful choice, so getting them to understand an exclusive paraphilia is pretty much off the table. Sexuality is such a fundamental aspect of a person's identity that I feel like my family doesn't really know who I am if I can't be honest about myself, but they seem more interested in judging me for my decisions in life rather than trying to understand the motivations that led me to where I am.

I do actively pursue several hobbies, and I genuinely enjoy immersing myself in my work, but the loneliness still grips me. I just want to be able to be honest with the people who claim to know me the best, but those people seem to be the least interested in actually getting to know the real me. I feel like heterosexual and homosexual people can all get at least some social validation for their sexualities, but exclusive paraphiles are rarely extended the same degree of understanding.

How do you deal with being an exclusive?

I also have exclusive paraphilia. My paraphila is autogynephilia with elements of masochism. I can satisfy my weird urges dressing like girl. Sex with them? No. It is simply not my thing, but I have romantic attraction toward them. I am dating asexual girl. With typical sexual girl I have no chances.

I'm still in the relatively early days of accepting exclusivity with regards to my paraphilia (necrophilia), and to be honest, it's both a relief and a hugely daunting prospect.

I have a 'living girlfriend' in my life, who to be fair, has bent over sideways to be understanding, but I'm sure we'll both be happier when we inevitably go our separate ways. She'll find herself somebody more compatible, and I'll be relieved not to have to 'play the game' any more, which is a brick wall I've been hitting my head against all my adult life.

Long term, the prospect of never being able to be with the type of person you're attracted to, is hugely daunting. The best way forward I can see is to make your life about as many 'other' things as possible. Pursue as many interests as you can. Find other passions. There's got to be more to life than sexuality in this big, diverse world we're in.

There's always going to be times when 'that one thing' gets on top of you though, and the world becomes a very lonely, painful place to exist in. I was dealing with that by drinking myself comatose, but obviously that's not a coping mechanism to be recommended. When I find something better, to help a paraphile through those black moods, the first thing I'll do is post about it here.

In the meantime, I can only recommend throwing yourself into as many other passions as possible. Nobody's world should revolve around sexuality, and as paraphiles, we need to make the most of the rest of life.

I'm an exclusive necrophile. And yeah I was confused for a while too, because I can recognize aesthetic attractiveness in living people (of both genders), but eventually I realized it was only an aesthetic attraction. I don't feel the desire to kiss or touch or be in a relationship with any living people. Unlike some people, though, I'd far rather be independent & alone than in a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to. I won't ever force myself to do something I don't want to do.
Sometimes being exclusive really does get me down, though, I won't lie....and I find myself making plans to bring home the dead person I'm in love with, which is always hard because I know I shouldn't do it, but it breaks my heart, not being able to ever be with him. Sometimes I even start thinking that my life will be a waste if I don't get to enjoy it to the fullest. But I know sexuality isn't the only important thing in life.

I guess I'd say you should just keep reminding yourself that sexuality isn't the only thing that can give your life meaning. But I know it's hard to accept that sometimes when you're trapped thinking about fantasies that you'll never get to act on. I find that it helps the most if I can keep myself from dwelling on it and thinking about the sadness. And finding understanding people to talk to, who can tell me they accept me/understand me, helps too.

I just want to be able to be honest with the people who claim to know me the best, but those people seem to be the least interested in actually getting to know the real me. I feel like heterosexual and homosexual people can all get at least some social validation for their sexualities, but exclusive paraphiles are rarely extended the same degree of understanding.

You're not the only one who notices this...I have a friend who knows about my exclusive necrophilia yet is always trying to hook me up with guys and encouraging me to date people I know. She justifies this by insisting "I just don't want you to be lonely forever!" Sometimes it is easier to just not tell people.

I had a "fun" experience shortly after moving into my current residence where my dad (who I'm out to as a pedophile) took the time to warn me about getting involved with a woman who lived nearby. It was all I could do not to snark that there wasn't much risk of that due to her being over the age of 10.

People tend to forget even when you tell them. And even if they don't forget, they still fall into habits that lead them to unintentionally remind us that we aren't normal, and that the conventional lifeplan of our society isn't one we can ever have.

The fact that I get messages from all over society about what kind of life I ought to be living is depressing as hell sometimes. Especially around the holidays. It just reminds me how much more than just my sex life proper is being screwed with by this broken society.