impossible love

Hey all. Free-Form here, 23 year old non-offending pedophile attracted to girls ages 3 to 10, but sometimes it varies a year or so. It has been a crazy past few months, it is still a little crazy now but I am finally back at home for good. I ended up going to jail for a few months for drugs, finally kicking my habit while I was there. While I was incarcerated my mom cleaned out my room and she discovered my secret. First she came across countless pictures of a few of my friends from when they were little girls, also seeing the back round of my computer desktop was a picture of a little girl. She then discovered my notebook... I have been writing a book about pedophilia, my experience as a pedophile and other writings all having to do with pedophilia. I am extremely fortunate to have a mother who will accept me no matter what, it is such a relief to me that she finally knows who I am.
Today, for the first time in months, I was able to spend time with my little cousin. She was adopted from korea when she was just a baby. She is truly phenomenal for a 7 year old girl, carefree and silly but also keenly aware of the world. When I was talking with her today something happened inside me, all the feelings I had been numbing with drugs for all these years exploded in a swarm of butterflies trying to burst free from my stomach.. I was giddy, excited, nervous.. I had always found my cousin to be extremely attractive, even though I know it isn't right, my body seems to disagree. Today I was overcome with feelings for my cousin, I had to resist my urge to kiss her and hold her close to me... and now I can't stop thinking about her, I want to be with her and cuddle her while she has sweet dreams, I want to take care of her and make her feel safe.... I wish so badly that I could spend all my time with her. I am increasingly displeased with my reality, I have been for the past 11 years. Longing for love that I will never have. The impossibility of ever feeling fulfilled in this way stops me in my tracks and my heart sinks in my chest. Where is the way out of this hellish labyrinth? Sorry, sometimes I get carried away ranting about my feelings. Anyway, making new friends and chatting can help the pedophile blues a bit. Feel free to PM me, it would be nice to have someone to talk to

While I was incarcerated my mom cleaned out my room and she discovered my secret. First she came across countless pictures of a few of my friends from when they were little girls, also seeing the back round of my computer desktop was a picture of a little girl.

and that is why you should have a password on your computer.

Free-Form-Demerist wrote:She then discovered my notebook... I have been writing a book about pedophilia, my experience as a pedophile and other writings all having to do with pedophilia. I am extremely fortunate to have a mother who will accept me no matter what, it is such a relief to me that she finally knows who I am.

I guess whatever you had written in your notebook wasn't too bad if she hasn't disowned you.
You really are lucky to have such a great mom.

Free-Form-Demerist wrote:even though I know it isn't right,

Why isn't it right? You shouldn't feel guilty for loving someone. You might not be able to have a physical relationship with her, but you can still spend time with her and make her happy.
Its painful knowing that you can never be with someone you love.

I'm sure this isn't really what you wanted to hear. I'm not the best at giving advice.

If it's love, does her age matter? Wait for her to be aware and knowledgeable on sex, or wait until she's legal. Continue spending time with her and the feelings might actually stick. It's worth a shot! Make sure she gets a crush on you as a child in order to increase your chances in the future.
If the love is there only because of her age, I'm sorry but your only option is to live with your reality. Pedophilia is a cruel thing in this society. I am attracted to little girls, too, but I'm fortunate(?) enough to also be attracted to every living creature on Earth. It's all about sexual release for me and doesn't matter who or what causes it.

HoryLeo wrote:If it's love, does her age matter? Wait for her to be aware and knowledgeable on sex, or wait until she's legal.

I will always love her, she is one of my favorite people I have ever met. Sexually I am exclusively attracted to little girls, so satisfying sexual relationships aren't available. Are most pedophiles self loathing, self pitying, heart broken people? I suppose I might be to some degree. I really want to make friends online with other pedophiles and paraphiles of different sorts. I think it would help a lot of people who are unhappy with their situation as a pedophile if we form more communities for ourselves and more outlets for our needs, I know it would help me a lot. I wish it was easier to find pedophiles outside of the internet for companionship, but understandably nobody wants to put themselves out there.

HoryLeo wrote:If it's love, does her age matter? Wait for her to be aware and knowledgeable on sex, or wait until she's legal. Continue spending time with her and the feelings might actually stick. It's worth a shot! Make sure she gets a crush on you as a child in order to increase your chances in the future.

This sounds like it's edging very close to grooming. Do not do this. Just be friendly like a cousin would, and do not try to develop a relationship with this child -- even if it's a future one. I understand the sadness of having a lot of love and no one to accept it, but she does not need this in her life.

Your mum sounds really supportive and it's important that you don't take this for granted.

I would suggest channelling your feelings and struggles into improving your life. One of the most important things for me was disengaging from my paraphilias for a while -- not cutting myself off from them or denying that part of myself which would also be unhealthy, but instead separating myself from the angst and unhappiness and trying to work out who I was outside of my sex drive. I had devoted so much mental energy into being unhappy with what I was that that became all I was. Stepping back allowed me to rediscover my hobbies, get my life on track, develop skills and interests and make friends. Nowadays I find that my interests are no longer so distressing to me -- or so all-encompassing.

Good luck