Alone

Help me please, I just feel so alone here with everything going through my head. I cannot take much more it is taking all I have to just hold myself together and I can't even do that properly. There are over sever billion people in the world I could not feel any further apart than I do now. I can't keep putting my family and friends through this, putting on a smile and pretending everything is all good and fine when inside I can feel myself dying.

I don't know what to do.

Tulula.

I'm really sorry to hear that. But I know exactly how you feel. I think everyone here does. That feeling of isolation from everyone you know and that feeling that you can never be completely honest about how you really feel. It feels like you're living in your head. Like you have to put on a mask every day so people think you're ok even though you know you're not. It feels like your whole life is just a cover-up, lie. Even the most mentally stable man in the world would be driven insane by this.

You just have to remember that no matter how rough it gets, there will always be this big group of people who have been down the same road you're on and want nothing more than to help you get through this. I've read your posts and you seem like a very smart and sensible person. Whenever you're feeling like this, you have to remember that something good will eventually come along. I know it's hard to believe, but when you open yourself up to happiness, happiness will eventually find you.

I hope this helped a little bit. Good luck, and you can PM me anytime

I don't feel I can get through this though, no matter how hard I try to everything just seems to suffocate me. I am not strong enough like others are and Im not sure I ever will be. I just want to cut all the pain away and be done with it.I sometime just wish none of this was real and it I am just part of some horrific nightmare but nobody ever wakes up.

Tulula.

-- Wed Sep 17, 2014 9:41 pm --

Does this pain, guilt and hate ever go away?

Tulula.

I know how you feel. Here are a few quotes that mean a lot to me.

"Pretending to be happy when you are in pain, is just an example of how strong you are as a person."

I feel like I'm always trying to be happy even though I'm suffering inside. Like around my family, I try my hardest to look like I'm fine and for all they know I am fine!! Remember fake it till you become it!

"Be thankful for all the struggles you go through. They make you stronger, wiser and humble. Don't let it break you. Let it make you."


To answer your question, I firmly believe the pain, guilt and hate will go away. There will be a time when you become so numb to it that it won't bother you. It will just be a normal part of your life that you accept.

Hedwig96 wrote:I know how you feel. Here are a few quotes that mean a lot to me.

"Pretending to be happy when you are in pain, is just an example of how strong you are as a person."

I feel like I'm always trying to be happy even though I'm suffering inside. Like around my family, I try my hardest to look like I'm fine and for all they know I am fine!! Remember fake it till you become it!

"Be thankful for all the struggles you go through. They make you stronger, wiser and humble. Don't let it break you. Let it make you."


To answer your question, I firmly believe the pain, guilt and hate will go away. There will be a time when you become so numb to it that it won't bother you. It will just be a normal part of your life that you accept.

I hope you are right, I have my good and bad days but every now and then It just cracks me and I want to yell and scream but I know I can't. I was always raised to believe that the problems you go through make you stronger as a whole. I do try my best to keep that in mind, it just gets so hard at times.

This is the first time I have actually had somewhere I could go to vent so thank you, thank you to both who replied to me. I really needed someone to reply. Thank you.

Tulula.

it does get better i mean you still have good days and bad days but you eventually do get a handle on it and the bad days become fewer, your post really struck a cord with me because ive been right where you are, i think we all have.

i have a theory that we all go through stages with when coming to terms with our sexuality, the first 2 are shock and then depression and and then it's really up to you to develop an outlook and ways to cope, for me one of the ways i dealt with it was i just submerged myself in researching my pedophilia i also reached out for help on this forum in some of my darkest hours and i got it, this forum is full of kind and understanding people that are more than willing to help

could you give a little more information about your situation like how long you have been dealing with on your own? because generally how long you've been dealing with it and how much you know about it play a big part in your mental state, at least that's how it was for me

and just know that if you ever need help we are here for you

siphon wrote:it does get better i mean you still have good days and bad days but you eventually do get a handle on it and the bad days become fewer, your post really struck a cord with me because ive been right where you are, i think we all have.

i have a theory that we all go through stages with when coming to terms with our sexuality, the first 2 are shock and then depression and and then it's really up to you to develop an outlook and ways to cope, for me one of the ways i dealt with it was i just submerged myself in researching my pedophilia i also reached out for help on this forum in some of my darkest hours and i got it, this forum is full of kind and understanding people that are more than willing to help

could you give a little more information about your situation like how long you have been dealing with on your own? because generally how long you've been dealing with it and how much you know about it play a big part in your mental state, at least that's how it was for me

and just know that if you ever need help we are here for you

Thank you ever so much, it helps a lot to know that others have been through what Im going though and have emerged on the other side. Im 24 years old and when I became self aware to my pedophilia was when I was in my early teens 13 maybe 14 years old. It scared me when I did realize back then and in part still does and then a few years later I became more terrified when realizing that I myself have no age limit to my fantasies or desires.

I have been having more positive days since finding this place, talking to others who have gone through the same and being able to open up without fear of people who do not understand but again I you and I have said there comes bad times. I have quit a sane mind and know the right way to deal with things but sometimes I just need to hear it from others if that makes sense.

Tulula.

Tululaboo,

I'm sorry you're at such a struggling point in your life. I noticed this post was created 9 days ago. Has anything gotten better since then? How are you today?

I'm sorry you don't have any support you can reach out for, and living a double life really creates an emotional wreck. I would like to support you if you'd let me. I'm not sure if I can guide you out of your troubles right now, but maybe we have some things in common and that would allow us to get through the tough times together.

I have a couple of very supportive people in my life. My sister and my best friend both know I'm a pedophile and it hasn't changed the way they feel about me. Actually my sister believes I'm more trustworthy because I admitted to her my feelings. My best friend said she believes I'm a better friend because I don't keep secrets from her and I give everything I can to be a good friend. Other than those two people and my therapist (but she doesn't know about my pedophilia), I don't have any other supportive people in my life. I don't have any other friends really. My sister bought me a puppy for my birthday last week when I turned 17 and he's already becoming a really good friend. He's very affectionate and loves to cuddle up next to me and always be near me. When my best friend was slapping me in a funny friendly way, my new best four-legged friend went crazy, barking and growling trying to protect me. That's been pretty cool. He's like a therapy dog I guess, which is what some organization gives away to war vets to help them deal with PTSD. Dogs don't judge and they don't insult, or abandon you the way people do. They just love instinctively and that's very cool.

I also spent a lot of time researching why I am a pedophile and I have never found any convincing answer to prove exactly what makes me the way I am and the way I feel. With a lot of conversations with my sister, who's also a clinical psychologist, I'm starting to realize that trying to figure out why I am is wasting the time I should be using to love who I am regardless of one little part that's involved in a bunch of parts that make up the person I am and want to become. "Why" is becoming less important to me every day. Some things aren't meant to be explained or even understood and you just have to learn to live.

In your darkest hour Tululaboo, please reach out to me and maybe we can talk and work through the rough patches together. I'm going to be here as much as I can. I'm in 11th grade, but I don't go to a physical high school. I'm home-educated by two teachers who come to my house instead of me going to school. My classes are for almost 3 & 1/2 hours four days each week. I had problems at the high school I went to last year with other classmates. My sister tried to get me into an "alternative school" for troubled students, but the one that accepted me was mush to far away to travel to every day, so the home-education program was set up for me.

So just sit back and relax and think of a warm day on the beach and how fabulous it is to not have a care in the world and just sit peacefully and enjoy.

Thinking about you and hoping you hit a good streak!
Daniel