As some will know I am fighting a major battle and so confused about a lot of stuff.
I fear ridicule and rejection a lot all the time.
I fear aggressive behaviour from other people.
I easily feel intimidated by people with more power than me whether physical or emotional.
I feel worthless when I am told I have done something wrong or not done a job right or task I have been set.
I think I am a passive aggressive person, as in I do as much as possible to avoid confrontation with anyone where possible, I let things build up not saying anything and trying to keep the peace, this means I let people walk all over me quite often.
I can't handle the emotions that are inside me when people piss me off, as I don't want to tell them how annoyed or upset I am as I fear they will then get defensive and aggressive towards me because I let it build up then I snap having a go at them.
It is horrible living like this trying to avoid confrontation all the time and not being able to be assertive in the right manner.
This then leads me on to believing this was a learned behaviour from being bullied and teased as a child which I have talked about before, the problem is as I got older I can't deal well with adult relationships a lot of the time, generally with people close to me or bosses for example, casual work colleagues are not really a problem.
This also I think is what makes me feel more at ease with children as I don't feel threatened by a child who I know could not physically hurt me as I feel more at their level, but with adults (not every adult obviously) I struggle to feel as equal rather than inferior and be assertive at the right times, when I do try to be assertive I think it comes over as stubbornness and anger.
I think this all contributed to my issues as I feel so more at ease with children and was looking for acceptance from someone I felt at the same level as, basically I still feel like that child but in an adults body. I really think this is a part of my relationship issues, because I fear rejection so much I avoided sexual experiences with anyone of either sex as much as I could, but those experiences I did have were with other boys and I was clinging to those past experiences as they were all I knew, and my relationships with girls were none existant.
I have to try and let this go and be more assertive but in the right manner and place and time, I have to move on from these problems and maybe then I can build some self worth and feel empowered and assertive, then I can work on the feelings of being rejected and maybe actually try and start dating someone, preferably a woman as that is one thing I feel I really missed out on during my teenage years.
Then maybe just maybe I can start really ridding myself of all the emotional baggage I have carried alone for so long.
I know this only partly fits here in this section but I think it is more relevant here as I think it is why I feel so at ease with children more than adults now I am an adult.
For me this all seems to make so much sense with experiences in my life, although from what I was reading it suggest it is down to parents behaviour that causes this behaviour but I can't ever remember my parents making me feel like this, but other kids did make me feel these feelings.
Well that's my take on it, please feel free to comment if you think any of this makes sense or if you think of other suggestions as to why this feels to make so much sense of my life?