Hey guys, i think this would be the best place to put this so here go's.....
im 21, and in my life time I've probably masterbated to fantasies involving my sister maybe 10 times, thats not exact, more or less but its not something i do regularly or that i necessarily like if that makes any sense?
it all started when i was a young teen(she is 3 years younger than me), me and her did some things, not overtly sexual but we would play games and such and i would get "excited"(this started when we were kids and ended when i was 13-14, maybe younger) it wasn't abusive and ended when i realized just how wrong it was. anyways after it ended sometimes she would enter my "fantasies" as i masterbated, and i freaked out at first and told my psych and he said that it was "normal" for kids my age to fantasize about all sorts of things. anyways after that they subsided.... but over the years she has crept in from time to time, i don't know why..... me and her have a healthy brother sister relationship, we talk about important stuff, have fun at family gatherings, keep in touch on a daily basis(she is at college) there isn't anything weird between us. and these "fantasies" only account for less than .01% of my sexual fantasies and i would rather not have them. for awhile i guess i just blew them off as weird quirks but lately I've just been so confused with everything and i feel ashamed and concerned that i may be sick in the head.
for the record i would never try to engage in any form of incest with my sister, i don't want the reality of it, and i respect our relationship as is, i also respect her and my family. mind you i have OCD and more specifically my obsessions lately have been revolving around pedophilia, i know i am not a pedophile, i have checked my self more than enough times but its still a big "what if" i am also concerned that because my first sort of sexual experiences were with my sister that that means something, considering we were young and she is my sister?
when these "fantasies" are present, they are not about her as a child or anything.
P.S. the scariest thing is, is that these fantasies aren't persistent, i don't have a yearning to sleep with my sister nor do i wish it would happen, so as much as i would like to say i will never do this again i almost don't trust myself, i never want to have another fantasy involving my sister, they make me uncomfortable and disgusted with myself, its not hard not to do it, its just i feel like i always have to watch my self now
to sum it all up, I'm just really confused and need some insight as to why this has happened through out my life