Pedophilia, sexual fantasies involving drugs, depression and low self-esteem: these are the monsters I am fighting, and I need to win this battle.
I'm not saying I'm fighting against "being a pedophile". I can't change that. I'm just trying to turn this nightmare into something positive, to make some heaven out of this hell, I'm trying to figure out ways my pedophilia could actually help myself and others, but how? How can something so destructive become something good for society? At college I study law, politics and economics in my country and on an international level, so I don't think my future job will have much to do with children directly, it's not that I'll be able to become a psychologist, a therapist and specialize in helping children and preteens with some kind of disorder. Although I study psychiatry and psychology privately at home, it won't let me have a professional title of course so I don't see how it can be useful to others (only close friends have benefits as they come to me and talk about their problems and help find solutions for them, and I'm planning on helping a friend's cousin who suffers from eating disorders and refuses to seek professional help).
Sexual fantasies involving drugs, I know I've said that before, and I'm even struggling against the desire to take drugs (especially heroin) in order to find a way to cope with the pain of being a pedophile, I'm struggling against the desire to use drugs if it makes sense and it's as destructive as the cause itself (pedophilia)...
Depression is a monster I've been knowing well since childhood I guess, and with the whole pedophilia thing, I feelit's coming back (I used to take antidepressants and I'm thinking about taking them again).
Low self-esteem, of course it's there - how can I be happy about myself when a consistent part of my life is being affected by sick fantasies?
I need to win this battle against myself, but have no clue how. I need to push certain destructive fantasies, but they gently caress me and calm me down, only to make me feel dirty and guilty after a while, just like a drug or alcohol making you feel better for a while only to make you feel like a total failure the next day.
Forgot to say that part of my depression is coming from something real bad that happened to the family of the 12 year old girl I'm in love with, and imagining the pain she's going through makes me wanna scream and punch a wall as things like that should never ever happen and I'm praying to whoever is the creator of this world to give this girl all the strength I'm not able to give her (as she barely knows me), as she's just a child and needs a lot of help.
When I heard about what happened from my friend (who's a friend of the girl), I started to experience that melancholy that still haunts me, and since I love her I can't avoid thinking about what she's going through and it makes me feel bad. It was August when I heard of that, and since that day things haven't exactly been the same. I feel bad because I feel powerless, I can't do anything for her and for this I feel like like an useless piece of sh*t, sometimes I even feel sick thinking that I want her, as I find it disrespectful.
This is the worst part, knowing I can't do anything for her - another feeling I have to struggle against.
Last edited by ElKahn
on Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Bipolar disorder with psychotic traits
OCDLamictal, Cymbalta, AbilifyDestroy my silence, that haunts me, it claims me, while darkness walks beside me
Joseph, 21 - host, original - Nathan, 27
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