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struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

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struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby ElKahn » Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:34 am

Pedophilia, sexual fantasies involving drugs, depression and low self-esteem: these are the monsters I am fighting, and I need to win this battle.
I'm not saying I'm fighting against "being a pedophile". I can't change that. I'm just trying to turn this nightmare into something positive, to make some heaven out of this hell, I'm trying to figure out ways my pedophilia could actually help myself and others, but how? How can something so destructive become something good for society? At college I study law, politics and economics in my country and on an international level, so I don't think my future job will have much to do with children directly, it's not that I'll be able to become a psychologist, a therapist and specialize in helping children and preteens with some kind of disorder. Although I study psychiatry and psychology privately at home, it won't let me have a professional title of course so I don't see how it can be useful to others (only close friends have benefits as they come to me and talk about their problems and help find solutions for them, and I'm planning on helping a friend's cousin who suffers from eating disorders and refuses to seek professional help).

Sexual fantasies involving drugs, I know I've said that before, and I'm even struggling against the desire to take drugs (especially heroin) in order to find a way to cope with the pain of being a pedophile, I'm struggling against the desire to use drugs if it makes sense and it's as destructive as the cause itself (pedophilia)...

Depression is a monster I've been knowing well since childhood I guess, and with the whole pedophilia thing, I feelit's coming back (I used to take antidepressants and I'm thinking about taking them again).

Low self-esteem, of course it's there - how can I be happy about myself when a consistent part of my life is being affected by sick fantasies?

I need to win this battle against myself, but have no clue how. I need to push certain destructive fantasies, but they gently caress me and calm me down, only to make me feel dirty and guilty after a while, just like a drug or alcohol making you feel better for a while only to make you feel like a total failure the next day.

Forgot to say that part of my depression is coming from something real bad that happened to the family of the 12 year old girl I'm in love with, and imagining the pain she's going through makes me wanna scream and punch a wall as things like that should never ever happen and I'm praying to whoever is the creator of this world to give this girl all the strength I'm not able to give her (as she barely knows me), as she's just a child and needs a lot of help.
When I heard about what happened from my friend (who's a friend of the girl), I started to experience that melancholy that still haunts me, and since I love her I can't avoid thinking about what she's going through and it makes me feel bad. It was August when I heard of that, and since that day things haven't exactly been the same. I feel bad because I feel powerless, I can't do anything for her and for this I feel like like an useless piece of sh*t, sometimes I even feel sick thinking that I want her, as I find it disrespectful.
This is the worst part, knowing I can't do anything for her - another feeling I have to struggle against.
Last edited by ElKahn on Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Official dx: Bipolar disorder, OCD, autistic traits

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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby fluurtz123 » Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:41 am

Have you considered virtual/ chemical castration? it's basically killing off all your sperm cells / inhibit testosterone production so it greatly reduces sex drive. I was about to say going to therapy but again therapists are finnicky with what they consider to be reportable to the police...and that in itself would create a lot more legal trouble and headache than what virtual/chemical castration could.
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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby ElKahn » Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:55 am

fluurtz123 wrote:Have you considered virtual/ chemical castration? it's basically killing off all your sperm cells / inhibit testosterone production so it greatly reduces sex drive. I was about to say going to therapy but again therapists are finnicky with what they consider to be reportable to the police...and that in itself would create a lot more legal trouble and headache than what virtual/chemical castration could.


I've thought about it but I am against this kind of thing.
Therapists never really helped me completely and there are no paraphilia experts in my area, plus I can't afford therapies (I see a psychologist every 2, 3 months for free as I couldn't afford to pay her and see her every week as I used to do once).
Official dx: Bipolar disorder, OCD, autistic traits

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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby KevinG31 » Mon Nov 25, 2013 2:49 am

fluurtz123 wrote:Have you considered virtual/ chemical castration? it's basically killing off all your sperm cells / inhibit testosterone production so it greatly reduces sex drive. I was about to say going to therapy but again therapists are finnicky with what they consider to be reportable to the police...and that in itself would create a lot more legal trouble and headache than what virtual/chemical castration could.


That's a pretty horrible thing to suggest this early considering that he hasn't broken any laws by molesting any children.
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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby ElKahn » Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:33 am

Yeah, I can control my urges extremely well, in all honesty anything that erases or dramatically decreases sex drive (which is something very powerful in human life) is not good unless the person is unable to control himself and offends.
Plus, how would I explain people around me the reason I am doing what I am doing?
I find it too extreme for my situation.

They could lock me up in a room with a little preteen girl I am attracted to and I am sure I would keep my hands away from her. I have very strict morals regarding such things, cant tolerate abuse.
Official dx: Bipolar disorder, OCD, autistic traits

Others (non-official): BPD, DID, ADD, SAD traits

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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby revolutionex » Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:51 am

Have you considered trying antidepressants? I'm currently on Paxil for depression and anxiety, and while it does have some drawbacks and the side effects are a little bothersome for the first 3 months, they go away after awhile. It's really helped me to calm down and not to obsess so much over my thoughts, sexual or otherwise (my issues mainly deal with worrying about my health). It also has the added benefit/drawback, depending on how you see it lol, of calming down your sex drive.

Some people experience little to no interest in sex, which worked for me for awhile until my body got used to the medication. If it doesn't do that, it at least blocks you from getting off, but believe me, that's the most frustrating aspect lol. But despite how much I hate it for making me feel tired and running me down a bit, it's great to finally feel back in control of my wandering thoughts so I don't have as much anxiety.

I'd consider trying it out, even if you do have to formulate somewhat of a bogus reason for why you feel depressed if it's chiefly due to your paraphilia and nothing else. Depression sucks either way, and meds can at least give you the opportunity to calm down a little and focus on improving your life one step at a time.
If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it dies, and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. - Osho
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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby ElKahn » Mon Nov 25, 2013 12:15 pm

revolutionex wrote:Have you considered trying antidepressants? I'm currently on Paxil for depression and anxiety, and while it does have some drawbacks and the side effects are a little bothersome for the first 3 months, they go away after awhile. It's really helped me to calm down and not to obsess so much over my thoughts, sexual or otherwise (my issues mainly deal with worrying about my health). It also has the added benefit/drawback, depending on how you see it lol, of calming down your sex drive.

Some people experience little to no interest in sex, which worked for me for awhile until my body got used to the medication. If it doesn't do that, it at least blocks you from getting off, but believe me, that's the most frustrating aspect lol. But despite how much I hate it for making me feel tired and running me down a bit, it's great to finally feel back in control of my wandering thoughts so I don't have as much anxiety.

I'd consider trying it out, even if you do have to formulate somewhat of a bogus reason for why you feel depressed if it's chiefly due to your paraphilia and nothing else. Depression sucks either way, and meds can at least give you the opportunity to calm down a little and focus on improving your life one step at a time.


I have considered this option as I am aware of the benefits of antidepressants since, as I wrote, I used to take them not too much time ago and they certainly helped me take control of my life. But the cause was something that wasnt meant to last forever (I was really depressed because of the loss of two friends who turned their back on me and ended up wanting to ruin my life).
Now the cause is a paraphilia, something that I will have to deal with forever....should I take meds forever?
Official dx: Bipolar disorder, OCD, autistic traits

Others (non-official): BPD, DID, ADD, SAD traits

"Have you ever craved someone so much that you didn't exist anymore?"

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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby Icko84 » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:16 pm

I think the technique described on this topic might help you: paraphilias/topic63292.html#p475334

Personally I find this way of thinking relieving whenever I'm wrestling with myself inside my head. Hopefully it works for you as well :)
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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby sprooglestrewft » Wed Nov 27, 2013 8:58 am

Elkahn, you aren't a danger to children and you seem to be aware of that. What's with all the self-hatred?

You haven't embraced your pedophilia, and I get that you don't want to, but that's exactly what you need at this point. It's perfectly healthy for you to take joy in fantasy.
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Re: struggling against myself - a battle I need to win

Postby ElKahn » Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:17 pm

sprooglestrewft wrote:Elkahn, you aren't a danger to children and you seem to be aware of that. What's with all the self-hatred?

You haven't embraced your pedophilia, and I get that you don't want to, but that's exactly what you need at this point. It's perfectly healthy for you to take joy in fantasy.


I actually want to embrace my pedophilia and working on that.
I am afraid that fantasies/urges will become a danger.
It is like exposing myself to porn, but a mental one.
Indulging could be damaging in the long term, or not?
Official dx: Bipolar disorder, OCD, autistic traits

Others (non-official): BPD, DID, ADD, SAD traits

"Have you ever craved someone so much that you didn't exist anymore?"

Joseph, 21 - host, the original person
Nathan, 27
Jonathan, 18
User avatar
ElKahn
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