I wrote a little poem type thing, and i thought i'd share it with some others who might've experienced anxiety and panic.
Panic, you're back.
I would give my life to get away from this feeling, but the very thought of death is alarming. I am truly stuck in a rut; torment, bewilderment and distress. I think of jumping in front of a car, but the panic about being stuck there on the floor, unable to move, is alarming. I could easily smash a window, but the fear of being arrested and trapped in a cell is alarming. I am nervous about being anxious, anxious about panicking and panicking about it all. Maybe if I'd murdered someone i could justify this feeling, but i have not. I add meaning to it all by writing this, but the truth is there is no meaning to it. Is it my fault i feel this way? It must be..My own thoughts and perceptions on this world is why I'm panicking. I want to fight it, but i fear panics' wrath. I would rather eat $#%^ than feel this way, and i would rather die than eat $#%^. Panic controls thought; if you think the world is against you and you're relaxed about it, it isn't a problem, and therefore if you feel illogical panic, then everything is a problem. You think thoughts, which after the attack, seem inconsequential, but at the time it is worse than death. I think of a safeguard, yet it saves me from nothing. I merely add a worrying thought into the equation. If i want to get so off my face i can't remember anything - what if i just get ill and don't accomplish oblivion? this is exactly what is so tormentuous about panic - the way it overrides and overrules any comforting thought you think of. Panic is the most powerful feeling i've ever experienced, and i wish i hadn't ever experienced it. I took mushrooms and i soon learnt how to panic, thereafter i've done nothing but. Panic plagues me but i don't know why; i panic about nothing and everything....what is to panic about in life but imminent danger? I feel i am weak for feeling like this, but i am not. I have been very delusional before, and have not felt such fear. A deep breath removes the feeling for a moment, but it comes back...there is no escaping this.