Blank's Journal (No replies)

Ensley's Journal (no replies)

Some times I get so depressed and so self-focused it's easy to take the reins and I lose sight of what's really important, and that's Jesus. Listening to this song reminds me some times He doesn't take things away, but He does promise to walk with us through it all and never leave us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI

I think I'm going to turn in early tonight. It's been a long day and I've been feeling more depressed lately.

Partly it has to do with losing two people that I was very close with. One got married and moved across the country to be with their spouse, while another has changed jobs and they have to move away.

Either way it sucks to lose them. I don't trust easily, and I was very blessed to have them in my life for the past year and a half.

I have a lot of difficulty with people and relationships in general, and these two were the first real healthy attachments I've ever had.

I kind of felt like just pushing them both away. It hurt a lot at first to lose them, but now, whether cause of depression or not - I kind of feel like I don't really care now. I mean, I've accepted they are gone. One has a new marriage and new job to focus on, and I know it would be selfish of me to expect them to take any amount of time for me. So like I've always done, I just lose interest and discard.

I kind of feel like lately that I'd really like to just be alone. For me, dealing with the occasional pain of loneliness is more tolerable than dealing with the pain of disappointment and rejection.

I guess that is all for now. Tomorrow is the start of a new work work. I'm not exactly excited for it. I don't really care for this job, but it is a paycheck atleast and thankfully I don't really have to deal with a lot of people. I just wish I could find some measure of fulfillment in this job, but I don't. It's very monotonous and mundane, but predictable atleast.

I got to reconnect with an old internet friend tonight and it was very nice to catch up with them.

I have to get up for work in less than 7 hours and I'm not really tired.

I thought about walking out on my job today and never going back. I find most of the people pleasant enough, and I've begun to converse with a couple people there.

But at times the job is very physically demanding, and I'll be the first to admit that I lack motivation. Motivation has always been a problem for me. And if I don't find something fulfilling I get quickly burned out (that goes for ANYTHING).

I do have a lot to be thankful for, though. I am thankful for having a job and being able to have a little money in my pocket. Plus it's better than just sitting at home all the time and thinking about things.

I do work hard, but I suppose the only satisfaction I'll ever find is knowing I worked hard and earned my money. It does feel good, but seems rather pointless to me. Toil and toil to what end? It just burns away time. That's all. Otherwise I don't see much point in it. If I could just find something I might enjoy, then I might feel differently.

Plus, my last job I was self-employed. I admit it's hard to take orders from others again, and I admit I could probably use an attitude adjustment.

Otherwise, tomorrow is my friday. I'm not sure what I'll do in my off time. I enjoy being a homebody, but I can't stand that I have a room mate. I'd really like to get my own place again.

I often - especially lately -come across as unfriendly and standoffish to people. Lately I've been feeling more depressed and just generally unhappy with life.

Before, especially in my younger years, people would some times get offended and even say I was being rude, when I didn't even think I was coming across that way. Certainly was not my intention. It was just my way of self-protecting and keeping everyone on the outside.

Lately, I've been feeling increasingly frustrated and even more angry. I have a hard time dealing with people and most of the time I just want to be alone.

And I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. If that's something that I really want or not (I'm talking about romantic relationships). A thread in the Avpd forum has had me thinking.

Often I fantasize about scenarios, to explore feelings and possibilities, and I was laying in bed last night imagining having just met a S/O and opening up to them about my 'issues'.

You know, despite any other diagnosis, I know in my core I'm avoidant. And that's something my therapist and I have talked a lot about in recent sessions.

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be alone. I still in a way would like to have a romantic relationship with someone, but truth is, I don't want to open up to anyone anymore. I'd need to find someone who could deal with being with someone who is distant and is not emotionally available. I don't think I have much to give. In my heart of hearts I'm an extreme introvert and I need A LOT of alone time.

And I'm saying that despite any other dx I have had in the past.

There is a virtually impenetrable barrier between me and everyone else. One that I don't really know how to tear down, let alone I don't really want to.

I do get lonely some times, but since two people that I was close with have left my life, I'm settling back ito a life of solitude.

And while I was in the shower today I was thinking that really there are two conflicts inside me that have been there since I was a kid.

On one end, I strongly desire independence and autonomy. I've always been a person that beats to my own drum, does my own thing, and not really interested in others.

But on the other, I've so wanted to be liked and accepted by others, that so often I would just mirror the other. Take on their likes and dislikes. Rarely could I ever be assertive with my own boundaries, cause I was so afraid of stepping across the others' boundaries and have them at worst dislike, even reject me.

So, two extremes that have existed within me since I was a kid. And I can't seem to find the middle ground. Being in my 40's now, I'm not so sure much will change.

Really, deep inside I just want to be alone and be left alone. I find dealing with people too challenging. Where do you find the middle ground anyway? I fund that with the last 2 people in my life, and now they're gone. It really hurt at first to lose them, but now I've stopped caring.

I guess that's all. Just some thoughts to further process at a later time.

And I'm a bit tired so maybe some of what I just said is a bit disjointed.

The soundtrack of MY life.

( my edits in bold )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSZkNujyYT4

Holding back the years.
Thinking of the fear I had so long.
When somebody hears.
Listens to the fear that's gone.

Strangled by the wishes of later.
Hoping for the arms of later.
Will get to me sooner or later.

I'll keep holdibg on.
I'll keep holding on.

Holding back the years.
A chance for me to escape from all I've known.
Holding back the tears.
Cause nothing here is wrong.

I've wasted all of my tears.
Wasted all of those years.
Nothing had the chance to be good.
Nothing ever could, yeah.

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on...

Work was busy today. I just went on autopilot and the hours flew by.

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about my diagnosis, past and present. Ever since I was first diagnosed 3 or 4 years ago, the introspective switch was turned on in my head and I haven't been able to turn it off since.

I told my therapist that, and other things. I realized yesterday when I was at work, that I've had a pretty bad attitude there. I haven't been very friendly a lot of the time.

Truth is, I'm really unhappy in general. I don't find joy or pleasure in anything. And I told my therapist, that even though I've been very standoffish to people in the past, it's been more forceful lately. Pushing people away harder and more deliberately.

But I realized at work yesterday that my attitude really doesn't have anything to do with anyone there in particular.

And really, when I think about the mundane little details that annoy me there about the place and people, it's actually not a half bad job. And the manager is awesome.

I'm just thankful I have a job. And it could be a lot worse, cause I could be digging ditches or something.

I was going to write more, but I think that's enough for now.

No matter how much I try to deny it and numb my feelings, I'm still a very sensitive person. Even though I don't show it. Nothing else to say to that. It's just really hard to face my feelings. I wish I could be impervious to hurt.

I'm very tired. Work was busy, but today is my friday.