by blank » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:46 pm
I often - especially lately -come across as unfriendly and standoffish to people. Lately I've been feeling more depressed and just generally unhappy with life.
Before, especially in my younger years, people would some times get offended and even say I was being rude, when I didn't even think I was coming across that way. Certainly was not my intention. It was just my way of self-protecting and keeping everyone on the outside.
Lately, I've been feeling increasingly frustrated and even more angry. I have a hard time dealing with people and most of the time I just want to be alone.
And I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. If that's something that I really want or not (I'm talking about romantic relationships). A thread in the Avpd forum has had me thinking.
Often I fantasize about scenarios, to explore feelings and possibilities, and I was laying in bed last night imagining having just met a S/O and opening up to them about my 'issues'.
You know, despite any other diagnosis, I know in my core I'm avoidant. And that's something my therapist and I have talked a lot about in recent sessions.
I'm just at a point in my life where I want to be alone. I still in a way would like to have a romantic relationship with someone, but truth is, I don't want to open up to anyone anymore. I'd need to find someone who could deal with being with someone who is distant and is not emotionally available. I don't think I have much to give. In my heart of hearts I'm an extreme introvert and I need A LOT of alone time.
And I'm saying that despite any other dx I have had in the past.
There is a virtually impenetrable barrier between me and everyone else. One that I don't really know how to tear down, let alone I don't really want to.
I do get lonely some times, but since two people that I was close with have left my life, I'm settling back ito a life of solitude.
And while I was in the shower today I was thinking that really there are two conflicts inside me that have been there since I was a kid.
On one end, I strongly desire independence and autonomy. I've always been a person that beats to my own drum, does my own thing, and not really interested in others.
But on the other, I've so wanted to be liked and accepted by others, that so often I would just mirror the other. Take on their likes and dislikes. Rarely could I ever be assertive with my own boundaries, cause I was so afraid of stepping across the others' boundaries and have them at worst dislike, even reject me.
So, two extremes that have existed within me since I was a kid. And I can't seem to find the middle ground. Being in my 40's now, I'm not so sure much will change.
Really, deep inside I just want to be alone and be left alone. I find dealing with people too challenging. Where do you find the middle ground anyway? I fund that with the last 2 people in my life, and now they're gone. It really hurt at first to lose them, but now I've stopped caring.
I guess that's all. Just some thoughts to further process at a later time.