blank_identity's Journal (no replies please)

See, I can't even keep promises I make to myself.

*sigh* I'm back after a little vacation. I don't know why I even bother.

I have so much on my mind but don't feel like talking about it right now, so that's all for the moment.

Out of pot and having cravings though. WIsh I was baked.

I hate my disgusting body. I hate myself.

And I'm lonely.

I'm glad to finally resume therapy. I haven't seen my psych since early august I believe (due to finances/insurance). I hope this insurance pans out, I need therapy.

Since history and diagnosis has been established, I guess we move into the treatment phase now. I'm not sure I'm ready.

I wish to explore myself in much more depth. Make sense of things and piece things together. I want to understand myself and my life. Understand my personality. There is so much I still do not understand.

On the treatment side of things, I'm not sure if I want "treatment" or not. There is an internal struggle within me about that. Part of me wants treatment, other doesn't want to change and wants to stay the same. I don't know what I want tbh.

At the very least, I want to make my life more comfortable and tolerable.

I like psychotherapy but I want to be probed a little more. I'd like to be asked more questions. I want to think outside the box. I want to be made to think about myself and understand things.

My personality (to me) is complex and difficult to understand. So many layers and facets and I can't wrap my mind around it all. I understand most of my triggers.

I don't know. Last year kind of messed me up. I'm still picking up the pieces. A bit of my self got shattered last year. Still so confused about many things. So conflicted.

But still, I'm glad to resume therapy and I look forward to it tomorrow. I really need it.

Something else occured to me quite recently, though I'm not ready to talk about it yet. It makes sense though. Just a little more understanding into myself.

Needless to say, I'm becoming more and more convinced that genetics does have a part in my makeup though, no matter how small a part it plays.

Therapy was good. My psych has definitely renewed my faith in the process and in therapy in general.

Just need the right therapist which is often so difficult to find.

My moods have been swinging a lot the past few days. Not sure what's up. Much more emotional and deep than usual.

I seem to either have unusually strong attachments to people, or none at all. No inbetween.

We discussed a lot. I felt validated and understood by her. I'm very glad I found her and think she is a rare therapist. After so many bad experiences with shrinks in the past I think I've found a good one this time.

I told her I would like to be probed a little more. I like that psychotherapy is so open-ended and unrestrictive. But I want to be made to think about myself and figure things out for myself. I need to find my way. It was very nice to be asked some questions yesterday that made me think about myself.

She's a damn good therapist. I hope I can stick with her for the foreseeable future. Insurance is being difficult at the moment (out of network? we wont cover unless it's "pre-authorized", yet they make the process so difficult. ). But we're continuing forward anyway while this crap gets straightened out.

It's been an interesting few days. Some feelings have been surfacing. More emotional/sentimental than usual.

Just another one of my moods perhaps. They change so quickly some times I can't keep up. So many sides/facets to myself that I don't know where the real me is in all of it.

I really need to go shopping. Almost out of coffee ( ) and food.

Hormones are doing a wonderful job. Definitely seeing some growth and changes. I love progesterone. Hurts and tender like hell, but no pain no gain?

I just have to accept that my moods are just what they are. They come and go like the wind. Maybe instead of trying to fight it and "change", perhaps I should just accept them and embrace them and allow myself to experience them. Self-acceptance anyone?

I am who I am. Who is anybody to say that I am wrong or right? As I said elsewhere in the boards, I find it very offensive where a society that likes to preach diversity and acceptance EXPECTS you to conform to THEIR views and expectations of you. It's hypocritical. I find it highly offensive. I don't need to "change". I need to make peace with myself. Any changes I make are for me and me alone. Not for YOU.

Just chalk it up to another mood. I'm sure I'll feel differently tomorrow. But I think I'll play a more observing/accepting role with my moods instead of trying to fight them. I'd like to understand myself better.

My therapist made so many good points yesterday. Too bad it's foggy and I can't remember the details. Thanks klonopin. (for anyone that doesn't know, benzos are known for causing amnesiac effects. Often I have a hard time remembering much of anything while under the influence).

But I left feeling like she understands me and gets me. I felt very validated. I'm glad I found her and I'm glad to be back in therapy. I've needed it so much lately.

I slept a long time last night. Mind feels foggy and it's a little difficult to concentrate atm. So if this entry is a jumbled mess than you'll have to excuse me.

'Tis all for now.

The game is afoot. But as they say, one good turn deserves another...

Funny how people you think you can trust always prove themselves when you need them most.

I had a saying when I was younger and it's funny how it proven itself to be true time and again and still does to this day. "You always find out who your true friends are in your greatest time of need". I have never found another saying more true. (and hey, I came up with it).

Let the games begin... I'm tired of people's BS.