XFA's Journal

How about a good day for a change? How about that, hm? Is that too much to ask?

Don't worry. I am too narcissistic for suicide.

I haven't cried yet..But I have every reason to.

I am an empty shell. Talking to other people feels nothing but wrong. You're still the only person I sincerely care about. And you still define my identity even though you don't say a word to me..

How is it that thinking about you right now doesn't destroy me? Why does it make me euphoric? What is there to be euphoric about? You're gone ffs..

Never side with my enemies or disagree with me when I have my moments..NEVER

So she probably fell out of love. Wow...

This inner voice telling me: "she finally came to her senses". Well, I didn't..

Okay. It's not her "falling out of love". It's called push/pull and withdrawal of affection. I am kinda used to it actually...

But I'm fine right now. Even though I feel like I am losing two people close to me at the same time, I am doing okay.

INFIDELITY IS NOT A F*CKING SYMPTOM OF BPD, HPD OR ANY KIND OF PERSONALITY DISORDER! Wtf is going on here..

Now they're both gone. Either I go look for someone else or I'll try and learn to be independent, live on my own and work on the relationship I have with MYSELF. At the same time (and the breakup triggered this for sure), I have totally changed my "outfit". I wanna look different. And this comes from a guy who's been wearing the same stuff for like 3 years straight (I might have switched shoes a few times, but I don't really buy new stuff). People are gonna be very surprised to see some change. Actually, nobody's gonne give a ###$, but whatever.

Fighting for something that seemed hopeless. Ignoring the red flags. Ignoring all the advice. Not letting go, not giving up..and all for one purpose: Just to see her face again. Just to feel her again...Sometimes I hate myself for not having been able to achieve that goal..Isn't it sad that I have seen the most important person in my life only for a few days? It ######6 sucks.

And here I idealize her again..just to eventually get triggered and drown in incredibly overwhelming grief..

Torturing myself by listening to some old music that reminds me of some things. For some reason I enjoy the sadness.