ElKahn's journal

Soooo, here I am, this is my journal, I will post thoughts and feelings of my everyday life here, I might not do this everyday of course for many reasons.

So, today could be a meaningless day, like....I've been sleeping all day doing absolutely nothing, woke up at 5 p.m, frustrated, I'm really getting frustrated and it could have been just a regular kinda dull day if it weren't for the fact that I've come up with a controversial personal therapy idea described in Paraphilias forum but anyway....
So now I'm just here typing this, and memories of past summer are starting to come back, memories implanted in my brain that will not go away, the very first events that contributed to raise awareness of my pedophilia, and they're here kinda still haunting me, it's like something that just got under my skin and it's not going away.

August
Riding my bike, I had memories of my childhood in those summer places, and I pushed on those pedals for about 10 kilometers everyday, going around the town, distracting myself, having fun and keeping in good physical shape at the same time.
Then I'd go back to summer home, and see my little neighbor, aged around 9-10 I guess, standing on the balcony at the right side of mine, and I was so excited and euphoric but had no idea why....
....until the day I actually found out I was developing a crush on her.
The summer heat was like a glue, it glued those memories onto my brain and they're not going away.
They will remain in my mind forever, as a memory of joy and bitterness mixed together creating an unique flavor, an unique and bittersweet taste still lingering in my mouth.
They will be forever known as "my very first pedophilic concrete memories".

woooo, this day was so tiring! Studying political philosophy is tough, damn, and it's so much harder with these racing thoughts going in my head.
I'm not even allowed to have a lover by my side to comfort me. Life did not allow me so!

I am tired and in desperate need of a vacation I am planning by the end of the month.

Yeah I'm feeling pretty bad this week, did one exam I passed but did not go so well, the other one I could not do that due to physical sickness, damn this was so unlucky. I felt so physically sick I ended up crying.
College ummm....it's not really helping with my mental health. What am I supposed to do????
Plus, still being obsessed with the same little girls.....and with the idea of drugs. Damn.

I'm texting this 13 year old girl I met online. Okay, wait. No, I'm not going to rape anybody, seriously, okay I am a pedophile (and hebephile too if you like this term but I don't) but I'm not gonna rape anyone.
She is at the center of my fantasy world, yeah, this girl I'll call her A, I can't stop looking at her pictures, she's so attractive I think I'm gonna die one day of heart attack, seriously I would never imagine that sexual attraction to someone could be so harmful. My desire to possess her of course is stronger than anything else in this world, but I need to just chill out, and no I will never meet her and I don't want to and no I'm not a rapist.

There are things that need to be clarified, in my honest opinion, about rapists and rape crimes, I guess I will prepare a thread to post on the Paraphilias forum, since I want replies for that thread and a confrontation with other members.

According to my point of view, rape is not always a power crime like as it is said by many sites on the internet or by many so-called "professionals". There is something extremely simple in this extremely complicated concept: sex. Yes, rape CAN be caused by sexual fantasies and sex drive. Also, there are many types of rape, there's punishment rape, anger rape, and some other ones, but in some specific cases sex has a lot to do with rape. So, people should stop writing or saying that the cause of rape is always necessarily a need to dominate the victim, or some other compensation thing. In many cases, one rapes because of a sexual impulse, and in this kind of rape, sexual attraction works together with the need for power, but sex is responsible. Also, it is never a victim's fault. Sexual attraction and then rape does not mean that the victim looked for that or dressed provocatively, because personally I have fantasies to rape a little girl even when entirely dressed, just like a normal teen/preteen/child.
But seriously, sexual impulse is often responsible.

I guess I will complete the thread and post it in the Paraphilias forum, so if you're interested in reading more about the different kinds of rape and what goes on in the mind of a rapist or a potential rapist or anyone who fantasizes about raping, you can read something actually coming from a person who faces these fantasies on a daily basis (me) and not some incompetent so-called "professional figure" spreading s*it on the internet or around the globe on TVs or books.

I needed to take some things off of my chest, and also working on informing people properly.

So, let's get back to my obsession with this girl, A. Yes, it's like a fire burning inside of me but it's burning me alive. I don't know what else to say, it's a horrible feeling, a sexual attraction so strong I feel like yelling and punch the walls. JUST STOP IT! STOP!

-- Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:04 pm --

The video for the song "Lithium", and even most of the lyrics, represent my actual condition.

"Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside
Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without
Lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow
but God, I wanna let it go."

Lithium is a substance used to treat Bipolar Disorder (something I seriously suspect I have), so the interpretation of this chorus would be that I want to feel happy but at the same time I am in love with my illness, with my sorrow, with this state of alternated moods, but at the same time, I want to let go all the pain, it's some kind of inner fight, and it's a very similar interpretation to the one offered by the singer Amy Lee personally, indeed she says: "It's not literal, it's not literal about the drug for me, I've never taken lithium before. It's sort of a metaphor about numbness and happiness and sort of like, it's me looking at happiness in a negative way because I've always been, you know, kind of afraid to be happy. Like with the band and the art and everything else, it's always like I'm never letting myself break through into the happiness it seems like, because it's not cool or something. And describing happiness is lithium, it's like saying 'that's numbness, I won't be able to be an artist anymore if I'm happy', which is hilarious because that's just not true, I'm happy. So it's like this fight within the song of like 'do I do this and get out of here and get happy or do I wallow in it like I always do?' and it's cool because at the end of the song I say 'I'm going to let it go', like I am going to be happy.
It's like me saying that I wouldn't be the person I am now without my mental disorders, and I have never taken the drug either.

I'm impressed by the song. And the video also reflects my condition. I feel like I'm in dark, black lake drowning and going down and down, kinda like Amy in the video.

I abandoned Christianity around the age of 15. I used to be a Catholic as a kid, I used to go to church and for a certain period of time I was convinced that I loved God and all. But deep inside, I have always known this was not my path, that I was supposed to go elsewhere.

Then I saw the devil.

But before seeing the devil (even though the vision was real I think it was symbolic), I had already abandoned Christianity and its world of deception. I don't want to offend anyone, so I will surely not say insults or whatnot, I would like to, but I respect people's beliefs.
And before abandoning Christianity for good, I was not a Catholic anymore, but a Protestant.
At the age of 13-14 I already knew all this religious stuff, I've always been considered too mature and too smart for my age, and I'm still too mature for my age since I'm just 21 and think and act as someone who's at least 40.
Then I just thought something was wrong, that it was not my path, that I had been deceived by this religious nonsense, and I began to study everything about philosophy, Satanism, magic and the occult, and the demons and angels.
I am not a devil worshipper, not in the classical sense, not in the negative sense, and I really dislike people committing awful acts in the name of their Dark Lord, such as sacrifices or murders. Those people are seriously wrong and that is just pure evil.
I'm just a very philosophical and spiritual person, not an atheist as I believe that there is something supernatural, but not a devil worshipper either.
What I look for in life is self-knowledge, brightness, inner strength, knowledge of the Universe, being one with the Universe and its creator(s), the GNOSIS, the light, the knowledge.
I am happy with who I am now, but I keep my philosophical beliefs to myself in real life, I don't mention anything that has the word Satan in it, as people might interpret things wrong. I'm used to that, always been, ever since I began listening to metal (which contributed to open my eyes).

I will not say how and why, but I was with my best friend when I was 15 and during some kind of "game" I saw a shadow with big horns on the wall reflected in the mirror, and my friend saw it too but did not remain affected by it afterwards. I did.
Then my life changed, bad things happened, but I was about to gain a higher intelligence.

Why am I writing this? It's to take it all off of my chest and say YES, I AM A FREE INDIVIDUAL. I have no chains blocking me from living or expressing myself, I have no sins and no need to be accepted by anyone, I have no need to be forgiven by an invisible creature, because the Universe accepts me as I am, as its child, and I am thankful to the Universe for giving me so much strength in my life to bear all kinds of psychological issues and breakdowns.

I could not imagine how trapped I'd be if I were a Christian now. Pedophilia, violent fantasies, I would already suffer thinking I'd already have a place in Hell for me, right there, and my soul destroyed eternally by the flames. BUT NO. Now I am free and I don't need to ask forgiveness to anyone.
I am my own God, and I am my own forgiver or punisher, I am my own judge.
So why feeling so shameful? Why am I worried and WHY DO I KEEP CALLING MYSELF EVIL? Who invented the concept of evil and Hell? Christianity! And I reject this!

"Not god's son I am, but the child of million stars
While each of them symbolises different human frailty
And I shall not serve him as no power
Greater than mine
I am the wisdom and the perfection of the Universe."

This kinda sums it all up. It's a Behemoth's song I particularly love for its deep philosophical content, reflecting my personal beliefs.

I'm not afraid to be judged, only my own conscience can do so, and the law.

Law and my conscience, I only serve these two things. No Gods, no demons, no angels, no Saints.

I lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is that I'm a pedophile and a sadist. That's all I know, everything else is gone right now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but this phrase my friend said makes me laugh hard. So, we were in her car, we were smoking a cigarette in a dark, isolated town, next to a beach. So, there are lots of trees there, and then there's the beach. Since I'm a freak, I'm fascinated by isolated, abandoned dark places, and they also trigger my sadistic pedophilic fantasies, so I actual get sexually aroused in those places. Anyway... - yeah I'm a freak, I know, I know, DAMN IT, and I f*cking love it! Hate me for this, I will love you for hating me.
So my friend starts saying how her ex-boyfriend (son of a b*tch) told her that in the summer, pedophiles hide among the trees, probably to spy on children at the beach, or just perverts spying on people.
Since I'm a saracastic son of a b*tch, I replied: "Oh, thanks for the idea!", hahahaha she was freaked out by it oh I was so excited and felt adrenaline rushing through my body, she was freaked out and I could tell that. She said how she'd buy handcuffs and keep me isolated in a room without food or water so I would get rid of all my dirty fantasies if only I thought about doing something. F*ck it, I said "what's wrong with looking? Can't I just look at little girls without touching them?".
Then I joked about how I'd beat the hell out of her ex-boyfriend for saying that. He's a f*cking idiot, he used to hit my friend and spit on her, he's an ABUSER, a sick bastard, how dares he judge pedophiles allegedly "hiding in the trees to stare at children", HOW DARES HE???
And what is wrong with looking? As long as no one is being harmed, what's wrong with looking at a child one finds attractive?
He's the real freak here, not us pedophiles, he's actually messed up in the head and I'm not saying it as an insult, it's real, he used violence against his girlfriends! What a piece of sh*t he is!

Now I'm listening to this fast-paced death metal song and fantasizing about kicking him real hard.
Sorry, I'm getting mad now. I am f*cking angry. I always listen to metal when I'm mad, it helps releasing my anger, especially fast-paced aggressive rhythms. Also Aggrotech is perfect in these moments, I love that genre too. My favorite song that gets me in the perfect aggressive mood, maybe because of its awesome rhythm, is Obituary's "Back inside". I need to play it on electric guitar as soon as possible, to release all this anger I hold inside.
By the way, I miss being called a Satanist. That used to make me feel bad and judged, now it would make me feel all excited and euphoric, maybe I should blast some death metal on the streets so people will look at me weird and point a finger at me: "Eeewwww, look! A Satanist!". Ridiculous scum of the earth, judging everyone, they're so narrow-minded it makes me vomit.

A Pedophile in the trees sounds like a parody. It's funny. My friend's ex-boyfriend is ridiculous.
My friend is more ridiculous for believing such crap and keeping repeating: "Let's not go there, there might be some pedophile who might come out from the dark" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

DAMN, I said, "first of all pedophiles don't just hang out there in the dark in the beach, what's the point of it? And then, you dumba**, you have a pedophile right here in your car!", I said, and she laughed, but f*ck that, how ignorant of her is saying this kind of crap? Does she live in fantasy world or does she watch too many silly movies?

Ok, seriously, I need to have my blood analyzed, and in order to have it analyzed they need to actually take blood from my vein and that's a feeling I LOVE, noooo I am not a masochist, I'm just a sadist, but you know, seeing that syringe and seeing blood coming out and filling the syringe makes me feel good! SERIOUSLY I NEED TO HAVE MY BLOOD DRAWN! I need that feeling, I need that. I love syringes in general, I love needles and NOBODY, and I mean nobody ever told me they like needles, except for one friend of mine but she's a freak like me haha.
Seriously, I'm feeling anxious, it's like I'm experiencing some heroin withdrawal symptom, is it so bad, why am I getting this right now? It's pretty strong damn. And my thoughts are racing. And yeah maybe I'm entering hypomania, I miss hypomania, hypomania you are very welcome!
Oh I'd also love taking blood from a little girl like that (and then drinking it ha!), now that'd be arousing as hell, but I'm not a doctor. I wanted to be a doctor, a psychiatrist. LOL, a psycho like me wanting to be a psychiatrist, can you believe that? And me wanting to do blood draws? What's wrong with me? Hey as I said I have a syringe fetish. But I just would never imagine myself being able to do that weird tourniquet knot, I'm sure I'd spend like 1 day trying to get that done.
'the hell is wrong with that after all? Fantasies are ok. Fantasies.
This sounds to me like a hypomanic speech, thoughts are going fast in my head it's a funny feeling and it's like I'm high on h....no I won't mention that s*it, have I ever said I have a weird fetish for heroin? Ok, I need to stop, somebody help me please but I'm alone in this world so I better curl up in a ball and cry and laugh at the same time. Alone.
Ok, so I'll try to go and have my blood drawn either on Friday or Saturday.
I'm feeling hungry and I'm feeling like I wanna jump around my house and it happened all of a sudden, like ALL OF A SUDDEN, believe it or not.
If I wanted evidence that I'm Bipolar, I guess tonight I am having enough evidence to talk to my psychologist. But I don't want meds right now.
STOP.

Almost 7 am. Whoa.
Random thoughts coming from my mind. First of all, I'm a pervert. Yes, I'm so damn pervert, sex is on my mind all the time and I'm breaking all taboos, day after day. I cannot count how many things and environments arouse me, even sex with a little girl on a gurney in an abandoned hospital with blood everywhere arouses me. Yeah, I have a blood fetish too. And yeah, this is my latest confession: I am a P-E-R-V-E-R-T. No matter how much people say I'm a nice and even sweet person, I AM A PERVERT.
SEX is all I think about. Almost anything that is considered creepy is in my sexual fantasies, and I'm very open-minded in my fantasies.
Oh damn....I'm about to give up and just admit to myself I'm a pervert, really, I shouldn't even waste my time trying to figure fantasies out, it gets worse everyday, maybe one day I'll find out I wanna f*ck the radiator in my room, seriously, I'm giving up. Fantasies, do whatever you want, I can fantasize about whatever and whoever I want, without the need to find an answer, because I already know it....

PERVERT!

Ok, let's forget for a while me being a hopeless pervert and let's talk about me deserving to feel comfortable and positive. I need to find a peaceful place so I can recharge myself with positiveness and think about myself. Yes I already know the perfect place for this in my town, it's the cemetery. I just wanna walk around there, like I did back when I was a teen, and forget about the chaos out there for one moment, feeling the fresh breeze in my face, the incredible silence of death, that place of eternal peace and eternal sleep.
But I'll have to ask my friend to take me there this time. But she won't do it without asking me one thousand questions like "What do you have to do there? Why do you wanna go there? How long will you have to stay there? etc...." then she'll probably complain how I got so perverted and weird, thinking about only God knows what, when in reality there's nothing special about it at all, and my simple answer will be "I find it a relaxing and quiet place, I just need to relax, that's all, calm the f*ck down". For common people it's a park, or a disco, or a walk with their friends that will recharge them. For me, it's graveyards or abandoned places in general, when nobody's around. Am I weird? No!
I've always had a special relationship with death though, made of respect and fascination. I don't go to churches, I go to graveyards, and I don't pray, I walk among the graves and get recharged with positive energy, that's all, really. I used to draw cemetery gates, graves and naked trees as a kid and people would make fun of me, and find me weird and scary.
I just love going to quiet places from time to time, places where nobody talks and where there are no noises, is that asking too much? Is that weird? Not at all. I just need to isolate myself sometimes.

Almost 7 am. Whoa.
Random thoughts coming from my mind. First of all, I'm a pervert. Yes, I'm so damn pervert, sex is on my mind all the time and I'm breaking all taboos, day after day. I cannot count how many things and environments arouse me, even sex with a little girl on a gurney in an abandoned hospital with blood everywhere arouses me. Yeah, I have a blood fetish too. And yeah, this is my latest confession: I am a P-E-R-V-E-R-T. No matter how much people say I'm a nice and even sweet person, I AM A PERVERT.
SEX is all I think about. Almost anything that is considered creepy is in my sexual fantasies, and I'm very open-minded in my fantasies.
Oh damn....I'm about to give up and just admit to myself I'm a pervert, really, I shouldn't even waste my time trying to figure fantasies out, it gets worse everyday, maybe one day I'll find out I wanna f*ck the radiator in my room, seriously, I'm giving up. Fantasies, do whatever you want, I can fantasize about whatever and whoever I want, without the need to find an answer, because I already know it....

PERVERT!

Ok, let's forget for a while me being a hopeless pervert and let's talk about me deserving to feel comfortable and positive. I need to find a peaceful place so I can recharge myself with positiveness and think about myself. Yes I already know the perfect place for this in my town, it's the cemetery. I just wanna walk around there, like I did back when I was a teen, and forget about the chaos out there for one moment, feeling the fresh breeze in my face, the incredible silence of death, that place of eternal peace and eternal sleep.
But I'll have to ask my friend to take me there this time. But she won't do it without asking me one thousand questions like "What do you have to do there? Why do you wanna go there? How long will you have to stay there? etc...." then she'll probably complain how I got so perverted and weird, thinking about only God knows what, when in reality there's nothing special about it at all, and my simple answer will be "I find it a relaxing and quiet place, I just need to relax, that's all, calm the f*ck down". For common people it's a park, or a disco, or a walk with their friends that will recharge them. For me, it's graveyards or abandoned places in general, when nobody's around. Am I weird? No!
I've always had a special relationship with death though, made of respect and fascination. I don't go to churches, I go to graveyards, and I don't pray, I walk among the graves and get recharged with positive energy, that's all, really. I used to draw cemetery gates, graves and naked trees as a kid and people would make fun of me, and find me weird and scary.
I just love going to quiet places from time to time, places where nobody talks and where there are no noises, is that asking too much? Is that weird? Not at all. I just need to isolate myself sometimes.