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Feeling evil and totally lost!

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Feeling evil and totally lost!

Postby confusedboy18 » Mon May 28, 2012 2:11 pm

I don't even know what to say, cause I don't know how I feel. I guess I feel empty and numb. I'm so worried I might be a child abuser, but not in an obsessive way. My cousin is moving in with her little son and I'm really worried I'm going to hurt him - truth is, I don't really like him, that might be because I don't like her, but I feel like I'm taking all my anger of her out on him, though I've never harmed him, I just generally don't really like him. Then I start to feel bitter, like I want to harm him, but I don't want to look too much into my thoughts in case I find something I don't like. He's 2, and I just don't find him cute at all. I can't carry on like this. My other cousin has a son who's 4 now, and I love him to pieces, I would never hurt him. I don't know how I feel when I'm around the 2 year old. I feel anxious a lot, and don't want to be around him at all, in case I hurt him. I used to feel like this about another cousin years ago, but it went and I felt totally happy, no I'm just down and feeling like a ###$ up child abuser. A lot of other things are going on, I feel totally dead, incapable of loving someone, I feel I keep pushing people away. I just haven't felt love for a long time. Not even for my family. Yeah, I've laughed a d smiled a lot, but that doesn't make me happy. I don't know how to overcome this. I don't know if this an obsession or real. A few years ago I obsessed I was a pedophile, and that felt real, but this feels completely different, feels more like a feeling as opposed to an obsession and it's scaring me. I hate the way he looks at me - like he knows I'm an abuser. I hate it!! I just don't look at him.
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Re: Feeling evil and totally lost!

Postby funky » Mon May 28, 2012 10:00 pm

Kids do pick up on how we feel, I know - I don't think that the child is thinking ill of you, or believes that you might harm him, but he probably senses that you are tense and anxious. Babies and toddlers don't smile back at me unless I'm genuinely relaxed around them, and my friends cats used to hate me, until I started to relax around them and actually like them, then they changed a lot.

Honestly, a lot of people with ocd will relate to what you're feeling. It sounds simplistic, but please see your doctor about medication. The thoughts that I used to have were very strange, and years of old fashioned therapy did nothing, but medication made a huge difference, and cbt also helped a great deal, so please ask your doctor about therapy as well. It's much more geared towards helping ocd than it used to be.
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Re: Feeling evil and totally lost!

Postby aesntone » Tue May 29, 2012 3:58 am

i've been there and it does get better, the reason it feels real is because you fear and the more you fear the more real it will seem try to start just being mildly accepting of these thoughts, it will be okay, you know the truth just don't argue with yourself, it will get better, love yourself also cause your a good person even if you don't feel that way
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