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Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

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Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby Ole » Thu Mar 22, 2012 1:34 pm

The last 3 months has been an emotional rollercoaster. I guess I'll start with a quick round-up of it all. I started drawing back from society a few years ago, due to social anxiety and computer addiction, so to speak. Everything went smoothly, I didn't suffer from any anxiety, depression nor depersonalization.

Until 3 months ago. In relations to some psych education, we saw a movie about a schizophrenic person. I immediately started having anxiety, the next few weeks during Christmas. They were daily, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Then came January. Intrusive thoughts appeared, I developed a new fear of everything mental illnesses/health, specifically becoming a serial killer (I tremble, just writing those two words) or psychopath. This went on with really brutal intrusive thoughts of hurting other people. This caused me great anxiety and depression.

Fast forward, to now. The anxiety has not gotten better, and I've started having suicidal thoughts (non-intrusive) along with an even worse fear of everything '90s (see: '90s thriller films), murderers and so on. Every time a word related to death, murder or mental health, my anxiety sparks. I've also become way more depressed. Looking back at the last 3 months, I start to think that I'm actually going insane and turning into a Jeffrey Dahmer.

I have tried to help myself by accepting the thoughts and comforting myself, that the fact that I fear those uncontrollable thoughts is the reason I'm not a psychopath.

I'm going to see the doctor's on Monday (for the first time), and see what I can do there. I really have a need for a diagnosis, or knowledge on what the heck I suffer from, whether it be OCD or GAD.

So, here's my question: Do you have any idea what's happening to me? What do I suffer from? And what can I do?

P.S: The intrusive thoughts include killing (once again, I seek further into anxiety depression just typing that word), not just harming like slapping people.

EDIT: When the anxiety/depression peaks, I have to constantly explain to myself how I feel empathy, sympathy and guilt and that I'm not going insane. I have no history of abuse whatsoever, never been traumatised.
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby Briri » Thu Mar 22, 2012 10:43 pm

I can relate, in a way, to this. When something gets planted in my head, I dwell on it and freak out about it. That's what seemed to have happened to you and that's part of OCD. OCD goes after your worst fears and you get stuck on whatever thoughts are bothering and worrying you. I'm the same way. During peak depression and worry I have to constantly talk myself down, like you. The only thing I've done to combat all of this is distract myself and avoid whatever triggers my anxiety. A lot of times it works, sometimes it doesn't. I hope you get concrete answers from your doc and ease of mind.
Good luck!
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby Entangled » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:58 pm

Hi, Ole. Hi, Briri.

Briri, you hit the nail on the head and drove in home. OCD is about obtrusive thoughts. We do rituals or distract ourselves to function in some idea of "normalcy."

I was tought by my mother to be perfect. Not only was I disciplined to make me a responsible adult, but also to make mom happy. She was always afraid of the neighbors and what they thought of her. She had to be perfect. So, I was direct reflection of her. So, I was disciplined for all "possible" problems, no matter how remote. I had to be perfect to ideas that were my mom's but not mine, and I could never get it right. The abuse I went through was confirmed by my sister who is 13 years older than me. I can't even think about what had happened to me when I was 2 or 3 years old.

So, I am afraid of what people might think of me. So, much so, I get physically sick when I have to venture out in the world. Ole? Movies, TV and advertisements show a distorted view of the world. For instance? What you see on TV about psyche hospitals, show how they were back in the 20's and 30's. I have been hospitalized 5 times and none of that is true. Serial killers on TV are created by writers who create this stuff because they get PAYED to do so. TV makes it sound like serial-killers are just down the block from every person on this planet. It's not true.

I would suggest not watching those types of movies that depict serial killers as celebrities. Like, the "SAW" movies, and other horror genre that have no happy ending, showing you that no matter what you do, your screwed; which I feel is one of the worst types of movies to watch. It's made to scare you, and give you a cruel depiction of the world because it SELLS and makes lot's of money. Media is subliminal. Every commercial you see is created to make you buy a product you don't need. Envy is the name of the game. People love horror movies. So the more terrible, the more money they make. Gaming can be that way too. Violent games show you a distorted view of a reality made of hopeless destruction... that makes you "live" that world and not the real world you are in. Every time you fail in the game, you feel hopeless, until you master it. (The damage is already done, though.) Those games can be fun... yet, too much existance in that type of "world" can make you "live' in that type of world perminantly. It's something made up by companies so you get addicted to it and spend more money on more of the same. Again... money. Your emotional health is secondary to money making companies.

The next thing is to try and see a therapist. These people are great. The are trained to help you.

Everything around you that is media related; TV, movies, commercials and magazines are geared to create a false image of yourself so you spend money. The main goal of movie and TV show producers is to make money. Anything to make money... even harm you if you allow it. More time in the real world would probably be better... The same thing I say to myself... :?
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby goldiebee19 » Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:20 pm

Ole, I would love nothing more than to give you a big hug right now because I know EXACTLY what you are going through. :) I was fourteen during the summer of 2005 when I first had the fear of becoming a killer, and my violent intrusive thoughts were directed at my mother--the person who I am the closest to and love the most in the world. It started with an intrusive thought about stabbing her, after which I began asking myself "What kind of a person would have a thought like that? You must be a psycho!" I began searching for some kind of definite answer as to how much I loved her, but no amount of ruminating seemed to give me an answer. I couldn't watch the news or any movies about murder/violent acts because I would find myself thinking "Could I do that? Am I capable of being that evil?" I went back to school in August of that year, and over the next few months, my obsession became something to laugh about. Unfortunately, in February of this year, this obsession about violence came back with a vengeance. Once again, it was the fear of killing my mother, going to jail, and then going to hell that completely took over my life. All I wanted was a normal, happy life like the rest of my friends and family, but I couldn't get these violent thoughts out of my head. After about a week of being tortured by these thoughts, I voluntarily checked into a psychiatric hospital. I was in three different facilities over a span of three weeks, and I was told that I had OCD without outward compulsions (or Pure O OCD). Though I am doing much better than I was before my hospitalization, the doubt and obsessions are still at the back of my mind. I am currently on Prozac, and my psychiatrist suggested seeking cognitive behavior therapy to help with the disorder. But I know exactly how you feel--questioning whether you could be a psychopath. It's like you have a dirty little secret that isolates you from everyone else. Even though you know that you wouldn't commit a violent act and have never had a history of abuse or violence, there's still that question of "What if?" It sucks. I know :( It's exactly what I'm going through.
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby tomic » Sat Mar 31, 2012 3:37 am

Check out this thesis: ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY FOR ADOLESCENT OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER. It is free to download and is very helpful.

http://digitalcommons.usu.edu/etd/1104/

The Appendix J: Treatment Manual at the end contains a practical guide to treatment (page 121) and Appendix K: Definitions of ACT Processes (page 144) an overview.

I caution that while useful, in most cases self-treatment would be not sufficient.
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby acm » Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:28 am

Intrusive thoughts are THE WORST!!!

It's like...where are these thoughts coming from? I don't want these! I don't want these at all. Please go away.

I was obsessing over something really dark. I won't go into detail here. Let's just say that it involves sexual abuse and I wanted NO PART of it and I DID NOT ACT on it. I was freaking out about it. I told my psychiatrist about it. She told me to calm down and that it was my OCD and I *may* have been sexually abused when I was younger, but it would be really hard to know for sure.

The horrible thing was, my friend could tell something was wrong. She asked me what was wrong. I made the mistake of telling her what I was obsessing over. She was uncomfortable but supportive. It's been over a year, and I've only talked to her a couple times since then. She lives 75 miles away and has a busy family life. But I think she is avoiding me. And that really hurts. I always loved her and trusted her.

The awful thing: I probably lost a friend by sharing that obsession.

The wonderful thing: Although I still shudder, when I think back on those days...I am no longer obsessing over that! It's been taken from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I no longer obsess over it. The thought pops in my head every once in a while. But am I obsessing, crying and losing sleep over it? No.

Thank God!

And thanks for listening! :)
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby Anthony45 » Sun Apr 01, 2012 10:56 am

This is my first post on these forums and after reading of your problems Ole I just wanted to offer my support and let you know your not on your own with these terrible obsessive thoughts. I personally have Social Anxiety and OCD and I Hope you can get the help you need and get through this ok. Good luck Ole, you know your not a bad person just ill at this point in time.
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby dashcam » Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:07 am

I was right with you guys and Ole, having strange and hugely violent intrusive and obsessive thoughts that I couldn't control for a lot of last year. I totally identify with the anxieties some of you guys were having about stabbing and killing, both myself and others. There came a point where I didn't even want to study because it meant holding a pen, and when I did I would continually worry about the overpowering urge to stab myself. Like some of you, these thoughts and others led to serious anxiety and some depression, and worry about my own sanity and whether or not I had some more serious illness such as schizophrenia or psychosis. The strangest part about all these thoughts was that they seemed to come on out of nowhere at the time, as in nothing in my life seemed to merit it. I look back on those months now and realize that I was incredibly stressed out and anxious about a number of factors in my life (succeeding at university, personal issues about body image and self worth, and a family which was in turmoil). I was also making use of study drugs and other substances at the time once in a while, which probably had a negative effect on my neurochemistry. I'm glad to report that, although it seemed to take forever at the time, my intrusive and violent obsessions and thoughts have gone away. I can hold a pen now and smile, remembering my fear and anxiety from a year ago. I have confidence that most of you will also get to this point. The fact is, these kind of thoughts are normal and affect a huge number of people, even though nobody likes to talk about it.

As a guy with a degree in psychology and another in biology, I see the brain in a scientific way - as a set of interconnected cells and systems which influence each other. The brain is something of a network/chain hybrid, and with obsessive thoughts, the neural firing patterns can continually recycle and regenerate themselves. If these patterns are negative and spiked with emotion (fear and anxiety), they can continue and continue unabated (ie. every time I see a sharp object I'm reminded of my memory of my "crazy" intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself and the people I love which makes me terrified and anxious, which in turn activates thoughts about my sanity, and about other kinds of crazy things which feed back into intrusive thoughts). It felt as if my brain was actively trying to see what the craziest and most disgusting thing it could think of having my body do, which would trigger a loop of these kinds of thoughts. It's just terrible, isn't it?

My personal view is that breaking these thought patterns - that is, literally changing the way your neurons are communicating with each other - through therapeutic techniques is probably the best path to healthy thinking again. While I didn't end up going to counseling or trying medication myself, I did a fair bit of research (including some medical literature and studies) and did my best to break through these thought processes on my own terms. Had I not been successful, I certainly would have gone to seek help, mind you. And I might have just been lucky, but I thought I'd share what I did with you guys on the off chance some of you might benefit.

Firstly, even though I was in the depths of it, I knew of the relationship between exercise and stress and anxiety and depression - it lowers them, for a number of reasons. So I started working out every day. I joined an intramural team at school, and went for jogs. I even did p90x for a couple months. I can't recommend exercise enough.

Secondly, I took up yoga. Two of my workouts a week became yoga classes (some of which can be an awesome workout, or more relaxing if you'd rather an easier type). I like the hard classes, because the poses are so difficult that you're entirely focused on not falling over in the person next to you, so there was little room for "pinball brain" as I liked to call it. I think that yoga had a hugely positive effect, not only on my body physically, but on my mind. At the end of an hour in a yoga class, no matter how fat, sucky, and inflexible I was, I always felt good about trying my hardest, and even felt at peace. As a holistic practice, yoga works on both the mind and body, and is designed at its core to be meditation through physical movement. I don't mean to say I might not have had an intrusive thought in the studio once in a while, or even right after leaving the door, but it helped. And it got me into meditation and a few books, which I also think helped me immensely. The books I read were these:

"Full Catastrophe Living", and "Wherever You Go, There You Are" - both by John Kabat-Zin

The Full Catastrophe Living one is for people with chronic pain, but its basically meditation instructions. If you don't feel like reading it all, download the audiobook if you're interested. What reading a bit about these Buddhist practices and philosophies did for me was essentially help me realize that this moment, here and now, is everything we've got. I could be dead in two hours for all I know, but right here, right now, I'm in this moment. It may not be perfect, it may even be terrifying, but in the end accepting it is the only thing a person can do. And, if you're in tune with it and accepting of it in all its imperfection and scariness, suddenly the negative stuff can lose its edge. You might start noticing things about the world you haven't since you were a kid, or things you'd never considered. Suddenly things aren't so bad. I can't really explain why this is the case, but the more I meditate, the more I find it to be true. So, after my daily exercise, when I was all hot and sweaty and tired, I would sit down on pillow on my floor and cross my legs and just breathe for a few minutes. Ten, fifteen, twenty even. Or sometimes only three or four. But I found that finding a comfortable (and preferably nice) spot in my house where I could privately sit quietly and breathe, realize that I am just another consciousness trying to get by in this crazy world, and that I was NOT these thoughts that I was having, helped me slowly widdle away at how often they popped into my brain. And when they did, I would take a few moments and use those same meditative techniques until I could at least pick up the pen again.

In the end, I think lowering stress levels by engaging in some of these activities (or others that might make more sense to you), as well as having the courage to deal head on with your anxieties and fears in life (and thus reducing their power over you) is going to have positive effect on your life and help reduce some of these things. At least, it did for me. Don't be afraid of counselors, and of engaging in things like cognitive behavioural therapy. These are all efforts to rewire the brain and can be successful. Also, after reading some of your posts, I wonder what I might have been diagnosed with if I'd gone to the doctor (as I was very close to doing). Likely OCD and depression as well. I wonder what kind of effect even that diagnosis has on the mind. I hope you don't think too much in terms of those labels, because that's all they really are. They shouldn't dominate your thoughts or frame the way you see yourselves in the world.

* Remember, you're not those thoughts, no matter how bad they are. Ironically, the reason why you HAVE intrusive and anxiety-induced thoughts that cause you so much stress is because you're exactly NOT that kind of person, and when you have these thoughts you become emotional and they stick in your brain, regenerated by the anxiety they inspire in you. Remember that!

And remember you're not the diagnosis you got from the doctor either. You're you, and you're an awesome person. More importantly, you're a NORMAL person (whatever the hell normal means anyway), and the anxieties and fears you feel because of your thoughts are totally normal reactions. You're not crazy, we've all been through these things, too, and we're all going to pull out the other side stronger, and better. It's great that we have things like the internet today so that we can be there for each other when it seems like the world is going bat-shit crazy.

Take care of yourselves! All the best in life and love.

Sincerely,

-C
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby rapingmymind » Fri Aug 17, 2012 4:32 pm

To Ole and anyone else suffering from this I am gonna say you're absolutely not alone. I am currently going through this really bad. I've been suffering from social anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I've improved in some ways but I'm 23 now and feel like I should be at a different point in my life. So much $#%^ and feelings just come crashing down on me. So lately I've been having severely disturbing intrusive thoughts which I'm quite sure is Pure o. It began from what I remember seeing the movie "Full metal jacket". When "private pile" turns his gun to the Sargent and eventually himself. It triggered a thought that I could do something like that. I started watching a lot of shows to do with rapists, serial killers, mass murders as well. Again, I thought I was capable of becoming anyone of them. This lead me to further read into these types on the internet as I obsessively tried to understand them, what childhood they had, what mental conditions they had. I started comparing myself to them. For instance I saw that a lot were psychopaths, so I read further into psychopathy. It got really ######6 bad, and still is to the point where the anxious/depressed feeling keeps me up at night, losing my interests, not eating, etc. The terror of what they've done will play in my mind that I could do something like that.. What if I'm capable? It's literally a living nightmare cuz just a few months ago I was so hopeful about my future and not indulged in this #######4. It's taken a hold of my mind. Like you guys, things trigger it. I'll see a dead possum and in my mind i think of all the serial killers who tortured animals and played with their parts, and I'll think some part of me must like seeing this dead possum. It's also keeping me from people/public cuz I'm afraid of what I might do.. even thought I wouldn't and have no desire or pathological nature suggesting I would.


I think I know how I got to this point. I wanted a car by now, I wanted friends by now, I wanted more woman in my life by now, I wanted a different career by now. I was working towards these things. I got hit by a car, ###$ my wrist up putting me in a position where I can't work, can't go to the gym anymore and have a severely damaged lower back due to herniated discs. Along with family problems, past mistakes in which i dwell, and expecting a lot more from myself in my mind. So I think my mind literally has went into overload.

However..My injury is healed now and I'm hopeful I can rid myself of these thoughts. I'm going to get my ass back into gear TODAY. Start stretching my back out, slowly build my muscle strength back up. get into right eating habits. Bust my ass at work. Give no fuel to these thoughts, they don't deserve my attention.

This might sound crazy but how about we look at this as a blessing? Our minds forced us into a living hell. I think we're so terrified of what can be if you don't make changes. I think that's the root of this all. We need changes, this is our mind putting us to a point where we have no other choice but to or die. Just my opinion, i'm no expert.


So to Ole and anyone else. let me know how you're doing, let me know how you're coping. if you wanna talk please reach me. Take care all
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Re: Severe Anxiety, Depression and Intrusive thoughts

Postby ebolasss » Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:48 pm

Yes, intrusive thoughts are the worst
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