TheBadSpoon wrote:Those with POCD do not particularly "like" children - rather, they are horrified of them and tend to be very avoidant of them or at least very uneasy in their presence.
Pedophiles do not possess this fear. Lacking empathy for their potential victims, they are completely comfortable around them and have no qualms about hurting them. If they're around kids, it's for the sole purpose of satisfying predatory urges. Hell, a true pedophile does not even recognize molestation as harmful. They are in absolute denial and will endlessly rationalize for their atrocities.
"It was educational, he/she enjoyed it!"
As for the viewing of illicit material, if you have, it does not necessarily indicate pedophilia... just bad judgment. I'm sure many would vehemently disagree. In any case, it's still illegal and records of your activity are out there somewhere. For your sake, I hope you're not convicted.
I have to say that I've had those thoughts of "the child might enjoy it." That also comes with OCD and intrusive thoughts. I'm a 23 year old heterosexual female, and I've never ever had that thought until just recently. I've sought relationships with older guys since puberty. POCD came on when I started working with kids at age 17, and it was fuelled by the memory of a groinal response at age 10, when I saw a girl 2 years younger than me in a swimming pool changing room fiddling with herself. Even now as I remember that, I get a false arousal and groinal response and it's a nightmare that hasn't left me alone for weeks now! I forgot about it for years at a time but it suddenly came flooding back, with guilt and shame and anxiety and distress.
My boyfriend stated something the other day.
"Anyone is capable of anything." That has since kind of reassured me.
I've also suffered with HOCD and now I am floating between ROCD and POCD. I've had a tiny amount of harm OCD, but let me tell you, I'd rather have harm OCD than any of the above, especially pedophile OCD.
My therapist has asked me to do a homework assignment, but I'm really struggling with it. Looking at young kids in swimwear. If I was a real pedophile, would I really have any issues doing so? I doubt it very much!
There are those who are apparently hating themselves for their condition, and wishing they were dead or that they didn't have it.. I've heard many differences of opinions about that. I would not like to be part of that little group, that's for sure!
Pedophillia is an orientation, almost like being gay or straight or lesbian. It hits you at puberty. Well, from the age of 11 I was crushing on boys. I've got a thing about dating anyone younger than me too. HELLO contradiction of the OCD!
Like another poster on this site, my OCD targets young girls of specific age ranges. It's a bloody nightmare. I used to dream of being a Mom. I never even thought about any of this. I used to dream of having a little girl, to bake with her, to take her to the park and dress her in pretty little dresses and braid her hair, and teach her about our world that we live in, and watch her grow into a successful and warm, bright little person, with an amazing future. Such great dreams I've had of being a mommy and a great wife to a loving husband, with a nice home and family and friends all around. I've had those dreams for so many years, but OCD comes along and makes it all vanish with thoughts such as "You're a lesbian, you want to touch a child! You don't love your boyfriend, you want to DUMP HIM and go for a child!" It's even worse when the "you" becomes an "I".
OCD.. it will try EVERY trick in the book. Unfortunately I've read a lot of morbid stories about murder, pedophiles, rape, all sorts, all on the news. It's no wonder that when I have thoughts such as "the child might enjoy it!" I've read that somewhere before or picked up on the mentality of a pedophile.
I worked for children for 4 years, and never had these thoughts then, so why now?
OCD may get hard sometimes, but it won't fool me completely.. I just had to say that the post triggered me a bit, but to reassure others that many other POCD sufferers have had these thoughts before.