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Too messed up to be alive anymore

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Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby deadgirlwalking » Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:44 pm

My story....
I was living with my boyfriend and our best friend in an apartment in British Columbia. Everything was normal, peaceful, and then one day out of absolutely nowhere, thoughts starting popping into my head, centering around my older brother. Some what if's, some statement. "I"m in love with my brother". "I want to have sex with my brother". I felt sick and weird and didn't know what was happening. For days, from the moment I woke up until the moment my head hit the pillow these thoughts wound through my head over and over and over...I would wake out of a dead sleep with my heart pounding so hard I could almost feel it in every vein of my body. I was afraid to go to sleep, afraid that my subconscious mind secretly wanted to have sex with my brother and that I would have sexual dreams about him. I was horrified at the thought and stayed awake at all costs. I started comparing my brother's face to my boyfriends, looking for similarities, being paranoid that I chose him because he may look like my brother. When I made love with my boyfriend thoughts about my sibling would pop into my head and I would feel numb and sick, praying for it to be over as quickly as possible. I cried a lot. I would stare out over our tenth floor apartment balcony at the hard concrete below, crying because I didn't want to die, I wanted to marry my boyfriend and have a normal life but I was being driven insane.
I masturbated to the thought of my brother, trying to prove to myself that these thoughts weren't true. I finished, and felt even more disgusting and worried. Or at least I think I did...I really can't remember as the entire experience of those few months was extremely foggy...probably me trying to dissociate in order to survive the experience.
I thought that maybe it was just a side-effect of my new medication. I kept hoping and telling myself that the thoughts would go away just as quickly as they came and that everything would go back to normal. I felt so alone. I felt empty.
I went to the emergency psych ward one night with high blood pressure due to my panic attacks and told the psychiatrist on staff there what had been happening. Her reply was that "everyone has their quirks." It wasn't until sometime later that I realized this was (what I hoped) OCD.
I decided that I had to die because I couldn't live with these thoughts. I have a loving boyfriend and parents and the thought of hurting them kept the suicide at bay. I told myself that I would wait three more months and if the thoughts didn't cease then I would do it. When three months was up and the thoughts were still there I gave myself another time limit. And so on. I didn't really want to die. I just wanted to stop the thoughts. I wanted to dig a knife into my brain and dig out the sickness.
Every time the thought of my brother popped into my head, or his name was said, i would immediately mentally check myself to see if the thought made me aroused, trying to test how it made me feel.
The specific brother of which I speak is very sick. An alcoholic, who is at high suicide risk. I love my brother very much in what I'm sure is only a platonic manner though I can't bear to be near him and I am sad that he may feel shunned and ignored by me.
I sometimes scream in anger until my voice is so hoarse that it's sore for days after. I often feel angry and hateful, especially towards other people with OCD who suffer from different forms, germaphobia or those who constantly are checkers or something else. I'm angry that I had to get such a disgusting, disturbing type of OCD and I find myself hating anyone who dares complain about anything less than this. I've become twisted and I feel insane. I don't feel like myself. I can't enjoy sex of any kind as these thoughts bother me. I can't be around my family, my brother without feeling weird. I hate my life.
I have access to a gun which is constantly on my thoughts. I just want to make the thoughts stop. I want to make the sickness stop. I'm already dead inside. This is something I feel like I can't live my life with, having these thoughts on my wedding day, on my wedding night, on my honey moon, at every family reunion, when I have kids. It just isn't happening. They have to stop or I'm done.
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby pheonixrise » Wed Jul 20, 2011 11:32 am

I can relate. It's never been to the extent that you describe, but I have been through a time where my thoughts would go to my brother during sex, or to being in love with him and wanting to have sex with him at other times. I went through quite a long time where as I spoke to just about any man (including my dad, other family, friends, and random strangers), my thoughts suddenly became a fantasy of asking him to have sex with me.

I think for me, I was lucky enough to grow out of it. But I still have some suggestions for you. You mentioned that you are on medication - perhaps either that med needs to be changed, or you need a med for OCD added. If you can, I suggest you finding a good psychiatrist - one who will listen to you and try you on different meds or a combination, and stick with it until you get it right.

If you can, it might also be worth finding a therapist you feel comfortable talking about this with. Even better if it's someone who specialises in OCD. Alternatively, you might like to look into self help. CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) is frequently used to treat OCD, and there are plenty of online resources and books that deal with that.

Please know that you aren't alone. I know how terrible it feels to have thoughts that sicken you and to feel like you have no control over them. And then to have it effect the rest of your life. I completely understand that you want the thoughts and sickness to stop, and that sometimes it feels like the only way to do that is to cut out bits of the brain (even though you don't want to die). I really hope that you are able to find some relief soon.

deadgirlwalking wrote: I find myself hating anyone who dares complain about anything less than this.


I can completely understand that, too. My sister is somewhat depressed, and I lose it (internally) when she starts going on about it.
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby 4horsegal » Thu Jul 21, 2011 7:11 am

Please, please go to a doctor! or your boyfriend, or your best friend. you don't even have to tell them what it is that you are OCDing about.. Just tell them I have OCD, I'm anxious all the time, I get these intrusive thoughts and can't get them out of my head... Get help! NOW! I'm sure you bf has noticed something is up... He probably just doesn't know what it is.

I suffered for years with my OCD. I hide it from everyone, was too ashamed to admit it, too anxious to talk to anyone, too anxious to even think about getting help. I ended up having a mental breakdown in college. Suicidal, I started using drugs as a way to cope. NOT GOOD. Lucky, my bf helped me out of that ditch, got me into therapy, things improved drastically when I started medication for the OCD.

I tried talking to my parents but they are still in total denial that anything is wrong with me. (long story). I never told them the whole story. I don't think they want to know... There are some things my family just does not talk about...

Please, talk to someone. Medication really really helps. All the therapy in the world would not of helped me, not without the medication. In my case, I had early onset OCD and I am certain it is genetic given my family's mental health problems. Do not put this off any longer. I lost years of my life to this disease... Why suffer if you don't have to?

It takes a while to find the right medication, but it does help make those thoughts go away. You are not insane! There is something physically wrong with our brain chemistry that makes us constantly anxious. This is not your fault and you are not going crazy!
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby thinkingalwaytoomuch » Thu Jul 21, 2011 7:44 am

i dont care what happened to you because of it you have ocd it doesnt matter


i sympathize still. obviously i am not a psychopath and i dont have anti social personaity disorder.

my best friend was brutally killed.


i have obsessive-compulsive diagnosed. find my patterns if you do not believe me.





+ i stoll college ocd books. or as well i should say or should eye=


=do not ever end your life because of ocd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!+






I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR MOST PRECIOUS RITUAL IS.
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby deadgirlwalking » Sat Jul 23, 2011 2:43 pm

I've thought about going to see a therapist it's just the way the first lady acted that I talked to it about that has made me afraid to go back...I wake up somedays and can't believe that this is real, that these thoughts actually cross my mind...I"m glad to know that other people go through this too. Before I knew this was OCD it was a living hell I thought I was just insane.
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby 4horsegal » Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:01 am

Please, try to find another therapist. If you can't go to the therapist, do you have a doctor that you trust that you can talk to? Doctors are pretty good about giving out medications. I've had 4 different doctors and they have all been willing to give me medication, change meds, or refill my prescriptions. The only difficult thing is you have to be able to tell them at least a little bit about what is going on. The "I'm extremely anxious, I can't sleep well, I think I have OCD, I've been having panic attacks" approach usually works well. If they ask for more details, just tell the doctor you aren't comfortable talking about it. Usually they don't press for too many details.

When did this all start? I know I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. Have you always been an anxious person? Were you sick at all with a virus or infection when this started?

Don't be upset towards others with a different form of OCD. Regardless of what form OCD takes, it causes a significant amount of stress and suffering. The "mental pain" you are experiencing occurs with any type of OCD out there. I always say my "brain hurts". My OCD can literally consume my entire day. The only time I every feel normal and not anxious is when I am on medication.

There is an excellent book out there. "The boy who couldn't stop washing". I found it really helpful, although most of the therapies mentioned in the book are outdated.

The only bad news about OCD, is that you will probably have to be on continual medication. Every time I have tried to go off my meds I relapse.
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby freeofocd » Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:04 pm

Dear livinggirlwalking
I can understand your problem. I myself have been a OCD sufferer in tha past. I can tell you that I am completely free of it now. I dont discourage you to see a therapist but I didnt need it. Apart from medication I suggest u to be more social and always keep your self busy with other activities rather than just sitting at some place alone. Moreover what i think is beleiving that you have an OCD can help you better since you can lay all the balme on this :twisted: devil. So understand that you are not RESPONSIBLE for all these stuffs as you really dont WANT do do it. OCD is bad because we fight within and just try to stop it in thoughts this is where all the problem stars. I know just writing all these could be much easy but I want to really tell u that I have gone through all these hell conditions. You can practics MINDFULNESS meditation. I am sure this is going to help u.
With best of luck
:roll:
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Re: Too messed up to be alive anymore

Postby Twinkling Butterfly » Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:40 pm

On the chance you're still reading...
deadgirlwalking wrote:I have access to a gun which is constantly on my thoughts.

Do you live in a dangerous neighborhood? Unless you really need the gun, get someone you trust to keep it safe for you (or just get rid of it) so you won't be tempted. If your disorder is a threat to your life, then get professional help as soon as possible.
deadgirlwalking wrote:I thought that maybe it was just a side-effect of my new medication.

Your blood pressure medication? What is it? Are you still taking it?
deadgirlwalking wrote:I've thought about going to see a therapist it's just the way the first lady acted that I talked to it about that has made me afraid to go back.

The psychiatrist you mentioned before? Because she dismissed your disorder as a "quirk"? If you were referred to her for an emergency, if you didn't choose to see her or get a chance to explain your problem before she took you as a patient, it's unlikely that she specialized in or had specific experience treating OCD. Look for a therapist who does.
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