POCD Guilt

Is it normal to feel guilt because you're diagnosed with OCD, but don't really have the compulsions? This is a constant worry of mine even without regard to the OCD v POCD. I was touched by my father once (to my knowledge) as a child and exposed me to inappropriate comments, discussions, and movies. I was also drugged and raped by a friend in my own home years ago. I feel extreme guilt for thinking I'm a victim. To me, I'm ashamed that I could even start to think I may have suffered some sexual abuse as a child and rape as an adult, because there are people who experienced much worse. Like children who were repetitively touched or raped and women who were forced and beaten without being drugged. My father is an alcoholic and always has been and is a very volatile person. He never full-on hit us, but he would get out of control and slam us against a wall or on the floor and once slammed a neighborhood kid against a door by his neck because he thought he made me cry. He yelled a lot and usually it was unprovoked.But, I feel guilty for thinking he was in any way abusive, because he never hit us with a closed fist or beat us. I feel guilty when I feel like a victim at any time. I was in an auto accident when hit by a drunk driver while pregnant. The only reason I didn't lose the baby (or possibly lose my own life or that of my husband) was because I was in an SUV and was hit by a smaller car. But, I feel extreme guilt for thinking I was in a severe accident when there are people who have died or been permanently injured. I felt I should have gone to the hospital so that at least I wouldn't be scrutinized for thinking my accident was bad.

It doesn't help that my original nuclear family and my mom's extended family (who is close) classify me as dramatic and one who makes mountains out of molehills. If I say something about Dad's alcoholism being a problem growing up, one of my brothers would respond by saying "No it wasn't. He never beat us or anything." Even after I had an episode with him almost 2 years ago where he endangered my son's life because he was blitzed and I yelled at him. His response to me losing it on him was to grabbed me by the neck and choke and shake me around. When I told my brothers, they both said "well, what did you do to provoke him. I'm sure you're exagerrative his response but not what you did. I know how you can be. You pick and pick until he loses it." Luckily in this case, my mom bore witness and was just as upset as I was. This has been the common theme throughout my life, though and may be the reason behind all of my guilt.

I do obsess over a lot more things, like being afraid I'll molest my son or beat him/choke him, afraid my husband or son will just stop breathing in their sleep and die or that my husband will be in an accident or have a heart attack when I'm not with him or keeping an eye on him, get the sudden feeling that my body will take on a mind of it's own and drive us off a bridge or into a wall or that I'll pick up a knife and cut my arm open, I see myself brutally beating people to death who make me mad, I'm afraid if I think something bad that it will happen and will be all my fault, I worry about leaving something on the floor that someone may slip on and break their neck and it'll be all my fault, I don't like to leave my son with anyone but my mom or my husband. I have left my son with my brother, my BIL, a 2 different trustworthy friends, but it wasn't easy. I let him go to preschool 2 days a week, but it's at my church where the teachers know me and know my husband and mother, who are the only other people allowed to pick him up and they don't let the kids run around in open areas that aren't safe from the "outside world". I only do it so that people don't think I'm crazy, but I'll worry the entire time I'm gone. I feel extreme guilt for leaving him with my mom or someone else while going to a concert, because I'm being selfish. If I get in an accident and die, I'll leave him with no mother just because I wanted to see a band play or go out with friends I haven't seen in forever. This is something that keeps me from going out at all and I know it bothers my husband, because we never have "alone time". I strongly desire "alone time", but I feel guilty when I have it.

I have only just been diagnosed with OCD, just days ago. I had originally been diagnosed with major depression and slight BPD about 9 years ago after the death of my longtime boyfriend. I never had the explanation of my constant fear and worrying and strange, even sometimes blasphemous thoughts. I am happy to have a diagnosis that feels correct and covers everything. However, I still am dealing with guilt over not having compulsions other than checking to make sure my husband and son are awake during the night or checking the house for intruders. Anything I do that is a cause of my anxiety is done below the radar so no one sees or realizes I'm doing it, because I realize it's irrational. Does anyone else suffer from all this guilt, or is this something that isn't caused by OCD?

I apologize for the length of this post. That is another of my problems. I have a hard time feeling I've explained enough for someone to understand my POV...

Thecaterpillar, a lot of people who have been abused feel guilty about feeling like a victim or not feeling well, being traumatized. If you were diagnosed with OCD, it's ok to trust the diagnosis and your doc.
You were made to feel guilty and you were going through a hard time because of what happened to you. You didn't get emotional validation for all the bad stuff you felt, so now you have guilt instead. It's not your fault.
You have to work through this in therapy. I think having therapy for the way your family makes you feel, through behavior that is bullying and emotional abuse, would help you. You could ask your therapist to help you deal with both problems (OCD and the abuse).
Please feel free to post here as much as you like, we have forums for abuse too.
You probably have intrusive thoughts and anxiety but not rituals. It's perfectly understandable, there have been lots of people who came to the OCD forums talking about a great fear or guilt that they have about abusing someone, being a certain way, someone they care about getting hurt. You're not the only one to go through this.

why would you ever feel guilt for having ocd.

we know its not a real problem for anyone else but other people.

so they are selfish.



if you dont think i have ocd find my pattern.