For those who have TOCD

You're not alone and I hope you get better. I am struggling with it as well. I am a 21 year old gay feminine man who up until three weeks ago never questioned his gender and now? I feel absolutely awful. I haven't been diagnosed with ocd, but whenever I have felt worry I go onto these forums. I think within the span of a few days I went back to threads dating back to 2013 (bad habit, I know) and I wish I knew about them sooner

I don't experience gender dysphoria, nor do I experience any form of discomfort when being called by he, him, his pronouns or when I am addressed by my name. Prior to even coming to this site, I had felt awful scouring through trans stories with worries that I would go through the exact same process. My relief came when I found this forum on accident along with the informal term "TOCD" and for once? I felt like I resonated with a ton of people on here. I felt like I could live easier. That, was a mistake. I dont feel dreadful but waking up each day with a tinge of anxiety telling you you're something else and making you feel doubts or that you're in denial only to find more proof that you are not in fact that one thing emotions make you out to be, is exhausting. Prior to this I had been happier than I could have been in years. I was actually content with my life and then when I decided to talk about trans rights with a friend I felt something that was akin to being happy to give my two cents on the subject. I was curious and thought about why I felt this way, and the thought of being trans caught me off guard and sent my life down a twisted spiral in a matter of minutes. I felt like my identity was taken away! Here I was a feminine, gay, man and yet I felt like I had another calling. It was distressing but again when I found other people I was actually able to eat properly.

Nowadays I still worry, I wake up with a worry, and I go to sleep with a worry but they are not as powerful as they once were. I am not disgusted or repulsed by being trans, but rather just worried about ending up like one. I don't want to be a woman yet my mind instills these thoughts of doubt within me. I never crossedressed or had dysphoria so I just worry that eventually, I'll come to the realization that I am what I am not. Though it's nice to note that having read a ton of tocd experiences I felt a relief far more powerful than the one that comes whenever I tell myself to go by she, her pronouns or that I am a woman in front of the mirror.

Needless to say, I hope everyone who has been diagnosed with ocd and is going through this problem is alright. I am not certain about myself but I hope to get to a psychiatrist soon. I just worry I will be diagnosed wrong. I do tend to ruminate about a lot of things but I don't know.

Thank you. I can relate to so much of what you've written. I'm a gay 17 year old guy myself, and I've been dealing with what I sincerely hope is TOCD for around 10 months now.

I'm constantly going through cycles of feeling sure about myself, having an anxiety spike, seeking reassurance, and feeling okay again. Like you I can relate to TOCD stories far more than any trans story. I also have that same ever-present worry. When I wake up and before I go to sleep.

The last week or so I had given up on reassurance and the thoughts got weaker, but unfortunately another obsession took its place, and in turn fuelled the TOCD. Basically I'm quite tall (6'1") and naturally quite broad (endomorph I guess), and I'm not attractive. But I'm also shy, submissive, and I want to be the little spoon so to speak - I want to be with a guy taller than me, and I want to cuddle and rest my head on his chest. Unfortunately taller gay guys are few and far between, which makes me wish I was shorter, thinner and more meek, kinda looking like Ryan Lewis. I keep worrying that I'll never find a BF (I'm still in the closet though)

This obsession with my appearance started a week or two ago, but it has also kicked up the TOCD... I think I may have BDD, and it's causing me to t worry that it's because I'm trans and that'sbll why I'd rather have a smaller (more average) build. I don't want to be a woman, but I can't stop obsessing about this...

I often have clear moments, like when waking up from a nightmare, and I'll see TOCD for how ridiculous it is, and I'll feel happy and confident that I'm a man. But before long the thoughts return. I feel really depressed and anxious, I just want to go back to normal...

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this and for 10 months? That sounds terrible and I wouldn't imagine going through this for that long and yet it's only been about 1 and a half months for me...

I had been prescribed zoloft and it does what it is supposed to do in terms of helping me get out of bed, the only issue is that I still gauge myself in my mind as to how I would feel if I were called a specific set of pronouns and the anxiety is spurred on! Like a spike right through my chest, which I don't want to read into too much. Trans issues still spike me too, and I guess gender in general if it's brought into the conversation! I used to never care what people called me because I knew I was a guy and now? Ugh, it's just awful.

In your case, you aren't the first guy I have heard talk about this issue. If it makes you feel better my friend is about 6'4" and wants to be short, and he is comfortable being a guy. I think it's normal for some tall guys to go through this thought process. The important thing though is to seek help and I suppose I should start seeing a psychologist now that I have the medication down.

Hello, sorry if I’m late but I found out about this forum just a few weeks ago. I relate to what all of you guys wrote so much I can’t even explain it. I’m a gay guy too and I never questioned my gender identity before until a few months ago when I was watching a tv show about gender and the thoughts suddenly popped into my head and never left. I had other ocd related issues such as harm ocd (I’m not diagnosed with it btw that why I’m scared it might not be ocd). Anyway I even tried to see if considering myself a demiguy, genderfluid, genderqueer, etc would work but my brain doesn’t stop, I feel like I lost who I was and my biggest dream would be to go back to how it was before. I feel doomed, I read that discovering your true gender identity should be relieving but I just feel extreme dread and anxiety; I get up with the thoughts and go to bed with them I feel so hopeless. I’m starting to think that actually doing something about it would be the only way to stop the thoughts but I don’t want to. The worst thing is that being gay I had moments when I gender bent when I was younger and it terrifies me. Does this sound like ocd to anyone? Cause I’m starting to believe that it might not be it and I don’t want it to be true

Man, don't read too much into what online stuff or TV says on gender and sexuality, most of it is not factual at all. The experts cannot even come up with the causality of gender and what attributes officially mean something. At best the definitions that are accepted today are hypothesized theories using anecdotal research.

What do you mean by gender bender? Cross dressing has nothing to do with sexuality.